Rules For My 16-Year Old This Summer

Motherhood is an evolution because as the kids change, we parents have to tweak our parenting skills to coincide with whatever stage they're in. For example, a few years ago I wrote a popular post entitled “6 Rules To Help The Teen & I This Summer”. My son is now a few weeks away from turning 16 and, despite his best efforts, was unable to secure either a job or even a volunteer opportunity this season, since most places won't even consider hiring anyone who's 15 (I'm sure there's a reason for this, but Hey Volunteer Organizations: This policy sucks! He's a great kid who would have been an asset to your nursing home, animal shelter, etc.). While I'm giddy that Junior is around this vacation, I've once again, had to adjust the parameters for his 10 weeks or so off since his level of maturity is far different than it was a few years ago. 

This is an image off Pixabay - it's not my teen.

So are are my original 6 Rules For My Teen, plus a few I've added to help my adolescent and I thrive while he's around:

1. You must tell me where you're going and check in with me periodically. Whereas before, I wanted to know your route, that's no longer necessary. You're almost 6' tall and know the whole child abduction drill. Still, I want to know what your ultimate destination is, whether it's the pizza parlor, friend's house, etc. 
   
   
2. You must respond on your cellphone when I call or text me back. When you were 13, the rule was you had to always have his cellphone on you (and charged) because you'd just gotten it. Now it's basically a part of your body. But you've got to answer and/or text back, otherwise, I worry. This, of course, implies that I won't pester you with questions, check-ins, etc. which I do not. 
   
   
3. You pay for the bulk of your entertainment. You get an allowance. Pay for your own excursions (to restaurants, waterparks, etc.). If you don't have the money, we'll work it out.
   
   
4. Figure out what you need and bring it. Water bottles, sunscreen, a swimsuit, towels – pack ahead of time and if you forget it, consider it a learning experience.
   
   
5. Your friends are welcome to come over, but there must be an “ending time” to their visits. A few years back, we had several kids who came in the morning and didn't leave until well into the night, despite being told what time their parents should pick them up. I love your friends, but the shear number of those open-ended visits threw the family off.
   
   
6. If you makes future plans, let us know about them. Summertime is still, to some degree, family time and we'd like to see him, especially on the weekends. We all have the Cozi Family Calendar app on our smartphones (it allows all parties to see and adjust the family calendar) so there should be no confusion about events that are coming up; these events include your own plans which are to be respected by your dad and me.
   

Additional rules for my soon-to-be 16 year-old:

7. We need to limit the larger friend gatherings. During the school year, you have upwards of 10 kids coming here on Friday nights. While I WANT THEM HERE, having such a large number of teens here a few times a week strains the family budget. Have one or two kids over a few times a week, but the larger hang-outs are still limited to once per week.
   
   
8. You've got to work around the house. Yes, your choreload has increased for the summer, of course, because you're around more; no, you're not getting a larger allowance for this. Some things you're just expected to do because you're part of the family. But there are a few projects we need done like painting the front door, de-cluttering the garage, etc. that that you're perfectly capable of doing – for an additional price. Similarly, you've agreed to give your sister music lessons which I LOVE because it's a time that you're having fun together without video. 
   
   
9. Sometimes, get yourself from place to place. I am not Uber. I don't mind driving you somewhere if I happen to be going in that direction, but the concept of “pick me up here and take me there” is not happening. If I'm in a good mood, I may assist with part of the journey, but our town is small, your pals are relatively close, and your legs work. Use them either to walk or pedal that wonderful adult bike we got you a few years back. Similarly, I am not your friends' taxi. If Mike wants to come over, let him find a way to do it – I'm not picking him up (and yes, I've had parents who work ask me if I can ferry their kids about). 
   
   
10. You are now responsible for his own pool badge, health club card, library card, etc. Mommy is not the keeper of these articles any more. It's time to carry a wallet with these cards in it along with cash for incidentals. 
    
    
11. Friends do not belong in your bedroom. Adolescence is a time of exploration. While your buddies friends are great, they're still teens and no one is going to try drugs or alcohol on my watch if I can help it. As for girls – there's no WAY they're setting foot in your bedroom! Our house is big enough where y'all can hang in the den. There's no reason for your hommies to explore other recreational rooms.
    
    
12. You can wait on your friends and clean up after they leave. This is part of hosting. Kid, you ask your friends what they want to drink and get it for them. I'll buy the snacks, but you serve. He also needs to clear dishes and vacuum the rug (for crumbs) once they leave. To your credit, as soon as the door closes on the last kid, you're on Clean Up Duty without any prompting from me. 
    
    

Parents, sure, a lot of these rules are common sense, however, putting them out there, discussing them ahead of time, means fewer arguments. Next year, when my son is driving, I'll drop some of guidelines because he won't need reminding and add others pertaining to the car. 

The car....oh Lord! Stay tuned, readers. More advice on teens coming up shortly as Junior gets his Permit. 

10 Ways To Deal With Your Teenager's Mood Swings

My son was the most agreeable, mild-mannered kid...until he hit puberty. Then, over the course of the next three years, he turned into a monosyllabic behemoth who only wants to play with his friends on the computer. As much as I love him (and I do, COMPLETELY), I only know he's alive when 1) I hear the toilet flush 2) he comes down to the kitchen to forage for food.

After a LOT of reading (books, on the Web) and talking to other parents as well as a few counselors, here are

10 Tips To Deal With Your Teenager's Mood Swings

1. Don't take it personally. This is not about you, it's all about your teenager. Between hormones and the pressures of school and extra-curricular activities, these kids are tornadoes of emotion.  They're not provoking you deliberately:  they can't help themselves!
   
   
   
   
2. Be there for your teen. I don't just mean emotionally, telling them they can talk to you about anything. I mean physically; the more opportunities they have to encounter you, the more comfortable they'll be in talking to you. Case in point: when I'm up late, Junior will sometimes invite me downstairs for a snack during which we'll cuddle on the couch. We don't have to talk, but on more than once occasion, he's confided in me about something bothering him. SWEET!
   
   
   
   
3. Model what to do when you're having a mood swing. When I get really frustrated or moody, I remove myself from the situation for a bit until I cool down. My son has done the same thing, waiting until he composes himself before talking.
   
   
   
   
4. Invite your teen to be a part of things. One of my son's favorite phrases is “I don't wanna.” That's acceptable sometimes, but not others. When there's a family adventure or one of his sister's gymnastics meets, he is required to attend just as we attend his marching band competitions. It's what WE do as a FAMILY. 
   
   
   
   
5. Teach your teenager to express herself and identify what she's feeling. I get frustrated when my kids don't listen and I tell them that. Give them the language (“torn,” “bittersweet,” “lonely”, “irritated”) to express themselves without resorting to name-calling or profanities.
   
   
   
   
6. Give your kid space. Running after a moody teen does not good. Let them sort it out and be there for when they have.
   
   
   
   
7. Provide outlets for teenager's physical and emotional energy. Exercise is essential for everyone, especially kids at this age. Encourage your kid to join a sport, individual or team, so they get moving.
   
   
   
   
8. Encourage your child to eat right. I've had my son accompany me to the grocery store to pick out healthy foods he'll eat. This way I'm not cooking meals he has no intention of eating while he nukes a burrito. 
   
   
   
   
9. Get them help. If you suspect your child is depressed, drinking, or into drugs, don't hesitate to contact a professional. 
   
   
   
   
10. Give your teen unconditional love. Even when they're at their most annoying, they still need you.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

I'm not religious, but I suspect that the “surly years” are Nature's way of pushing our kids away. They're SO nasty, you want them out of the nest! 

As I write this, I can hear my son talking with his friends over his computer. Every once in a while I hear a note or two of the kazoo and am reassured that he's still the sweet, goofy kid I've known his whole life. His mood swings? They're normal. And puberty? We'll get through it together.

Thank you for reading!!!

What Happened When I Caught This From My Teen (OH NO!)

While everyone was bemoaning the end of Summer, I was sitting at our town pool. I looked around at the crowds, listened to the elderly couple next to me discussing whatever substance was under his toenails (seriously – EWWWWW!) and glanced at my Teenager. He was sullenly next to me, engrossed in the Love Of His Life, his phone. He was also digging his heels in. His father and I had “forced” him to our lovely pool so he could do a few laps. His response: “I don't wanna.”

This was the summer of that terrible condition called the “I Don't Wannas.”

It started with the summer camp he'd picked out (he coughed into his hand “I don't wanna” go), continued as I asked him to play with his sister, and deteriorated into the night as we told him to go to bed. It was the response du jour to our request to take a shower (yes, EPA, that's my house you smell). On vacation, the illness continued at our resort.  We had to "force" him to go to Busch Gardens (WTF?!!!) and getting him to do anything away from his phone was like pulling teeth.  As school started, which he didn't “wanna” go to but the law says he has to, the "I Don't Wannas” was especially acute when I asked the Teen do to his chores. 

I grew tired of it.  There's no way in hell I'm raising a slacker.  Then something weird happened.    

 I caught the "I Don't Wannas"!

When the teenager asked me to make breakfast, I wheezed, “I don't wanna.” When he wanted a ride home from school, I sneezed, I don't wanna.” And when he needed a ride and the cash to get a friend a gift card, well, you get the idea.

“But my chores are physical things,” he argued. “Your responsibilities as a Mom aren’t.” 

REALLY?  Here's how I responded:

“You think that hauling my ass out on a 100 degree day to pick you up from Marching Band practice isn't physical? The sweat pouring down my back suggested otherwise. You think going to the grocery store and lifting cases of seltzer (the only thing the Teen drinks) into the car and into the garage doesn't hurt my back? And you think waiting in line at Staples for hours after school started to get the supplies you 'forgot” to tell me about, make my stomach clench and feet hurt?”  I refrained from discussing the 27 hours of labor it took to birth the nervy kid.

“I'm not being vindictive, but if we don't find a cure for this bout of 'The I Don't Wannas,' I think your life is going to be radically different. 

Family members do things for each other, whether they want to or not. That's kind of one of the unwritten rule of Love.”

 

The Teen mulled this over for a bit.  His eyes closed as he thought about the implications of what I was saying.

And, miracle of miracles, he was cured! 

Not completely. He is a Teen, after all, and he still complains, but one look from me and he does what he has to. I don't see a relapse of the “I Don't Wannas” happening soon. He's cured.

~~~

Thanks for reading!   Come back soon when I'll have a tip to help you with...something...I love tips!

5 EASY Tips For Talking With Your Teenage Son (Really! It's Possible!)

As Junior is progressing through his teenage years (he's now 14), I've noticed something: his vocabulary seems to be shrinking, at least as it pertains to me.

Teenage boys often do little more than grunt.

A typical conversation after school goes like this:  

Me: How was school?

Him: Fine.

Me: What'd you learn? Anything stand out? 

Him: Nothing. Nope.

Me: Did you have any club meetings? 

Him: Yes.

Me: What'd you do?

Him: Nothing.

 

See the pattern?

Then he goes up into his room to do his homework and Skype with his friends and I don't see him again until he wanders down, like a man lost in the wilderness, looking for food before he, once again, returns to his cave.

In an effort to break this pattern and really communicate with him, I've discovered these tips for talking with my teenage son:

1. Time it right. Obviously, right after school is not the best time for my son. He needs to decompress. When we're driving to or from a friend's house, however, IS. He's more open to communicating, is captive, and seems eager to talk. Dinner time is prime talking time as well. We don't often eat as a family, but when he comes down to supper, I sit with him. Lastly, just before bed is the BEST time to find out what's on his mind. I've learned more in the 15 minutes before bedtime than at any other time in the day! 
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Ask open-ended questions. That was one of my mistakes above. What I should have done was ask questions like:

• What was the easiest/hardest question on your test today?
• Who's your favorite teacher and why?
• What current events are you talking about in school? This is a great one that can lead to ALL kinds of discussions!
  
  
  
  

3. Validate his feelings and reflect what you hear. Statements like “I hear how frustrated you are!” and “Wow! That must have been hard!” let him know that his feelings are okay. Similarly, don't try to solve his problems. Let him talk it out. Only give help when directly asked for it.
     
   
   

   

   I love the sound of my son's laughter!

    
4. Don't pressure him to talk, but let him know you're open to it. Say, for example, “I see that you don't want to talk right now. If you want to later, I'm here for you.” Then, when he comes to talk to you, drop what you're doing and listen! You're showing him that you respect his wishes but are still leaving the lines of communication open.
   
   
   
   
   
   
5. Listen more than you talk. Sometimes teens perceive that parents are lecturing, even if we're not. For example, a little while ago, my son heard the sentence “Putting your backpack away will help you find your book” as a full discourse on his messiness. Oh boy – I shouldn't have said that. But when he's sitting down to eat, I try to use active listening skills like looking him in the eye when possible, using engaging body language, etc. (learn about active listening skills here).

Remember, that the teenage years are a time of transition. 

There will be periods in which your boy is processing all that he's going through and may seem withdrawn. Let him know that he can always talk to you about anything and then, when he does, LISTEN and don't' fix or judge! 

To read my helpful notes on a presentation I attended entitled “Get Out Of My Life” - “The Road Map For The Rocky Road Of Teenage Life”, click here).

10 Stocking Stuffers For Your Teenage Boy That He'll LOVE

Every year I rack my brain trying to figure out what to put in the Teen's stocking!  Now that the simple days of Hot Wheels are over, it's much harder anticipating what might please him.  Sure, I could give Junior candy, but he gets enough sweets in the course of a day.  So after much thought, here's my list 10 things my teenage boy will probably find in his stocking come Christmas morning:

What can you put in a teenage boy's stocking that won't make him roll his eyes?

• A $5 Dunkin Donuts gift card. The DD is walkable from school and home. As my son becomes more independent, he likes to go with his friends for a hot chocolate and/or a doughnut every once in a while. And I like the fact that the cards are refillable, so HE can add money when it runs out.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Deodorant and body wash. This is a hint as well as a gift. Teen boys smell...funky. Axe seems to be the brand that all the kids in the locker room are wearing and I have actually smelled it on the boy, so I feel confident he'll actually use it. 
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  Smelling like Axe is better than smelling like sweat.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
•  A phone charger. For some reason, these disappear around my house, especially now that Little Sister has an iPod Touch. Junior could use another charger that he can hide in his room away from Lily.    
  
  
  
  
• Socks. Sounds lame, right? Except that in my house, NO ONE wants to match socks, so these are somewhat of a commodity around here. White socks are apparently too confusing to match (the tops are different, the lengths are different, etc.). Some novelty socks will be appreciated and are EASY to match. Maybe then he'll stop stealing his little sister's “Hello Kitty” socks (I kid you not)!
  
  
  
  
• Dove Dark Chocolate. If I'm going to give him a little candy, it's going to be the antioxidant-rich dark chocolate he loves. 
  
  

  

  Research says dark chocolate is healthy.  Who am I to argue?

   
• Post-It Notes. Now that he's in high school, the teen goes through these sticky notes like they're water. Giving him his own stash will eliminate a lot of “MOM! WHERE ARE MY POST-IT NOTES?” yelling.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Texting Gloves. He knows he's going to lose at least 5 pair of gloves; I know it's more likely going to be 10. A few of these from our local Dollar Store will go a long way. The trick is to buy them in in the same color so when he loses one, it's no big deal. Again, it should save us some pain this winter.
  
  
  
  

  

  Texting gloves are great for a teenage boy!

  
  
• A Game Stop gift card. Since the kid is living online these days, I know he's going to use this. They're available starting at $10 and I know he's got others left over from birthdays, so alone or put together, he should be able to buy something he wants.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• A “League Of Legends” poster. He plays this with his friends, so I think it's time to take down some of the sports posters the kid hasn't looked at in a year (despite them adorning the walls of his room) and replace at least one with something relevant to him.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  Sometimes, I think he lives in a virtual world...

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Hand Sanitizer. Another essential that gets lost  or (thankfully) used up, keychains of this stuff may allow us to dodge a sick day or two.

All of these items are fairly inexpensive, useful and won't clutter his room with stuff I have to dust or things he'll look at once and never pick up again. And if I buy enough of them, it may make my weekly shopping a little easier as well. 

Teens are notoriously capricious, but I think I may earn a smile from my Boy with these items. Santa is being practical this year, Kid! 

 

What's going in YOUR teen boy's stocking?

5 Thought Provoking Columbus Day Resources For Adults And Teens - Can You Say "Hmmmmm"?

Columbus definitely had an impact on the world...

Columbus Day is this Monday and, being of Italian descent, I thought I'd search for some fascinating websites and articles which give a more balanced view of Columbus than the trite “in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue” tales we teach our kids:

• http://columbus-day.z12.net/2014.php – This site point out that, contrary to what we were taught, Mr. Columbus didn't “discover” America, but rather re-discovered it since people were already living her. It also provides information on all four of his voyages and his death – he was 54 when he died. 
  
  
• http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2010/10/christopher_columbus_the_good.html – This link is to The American Thinker's article on Columbus which presents him not as pure good, but not as pure evil, either. Did he destroy a native paradise? Perhaps, but maybe that “paradise” wasn't as good as originally thought. This is a fascinating article which will really get you thinking!
  
  
• http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1242074/posts – Read this intriguing essay by Dinesh D'Souza who points out that, despite Columbus' crimes, many of the Native American tribes he encountered on his voyages were less than angelic themselves and were, in fact, known for their brutality. In the midst of setting blame for what the Europeans did, should we, in fact, be looking at the repercussions of Columbus' discoveries? It's one viewpoint.
  
  
• http://www.theologyonline.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2812157 – This tidy article from TheologyOnline asks whether Columbus was really a villain or whether the European discovery of American was inevitable.  If he hadn't "discovered" the New World, would someone even worse have?
  
  
• http://www.livescience.com/16468-christopher-columbus-myths-flat-earth-discovered-americas.html – Read 5 Misconceptions About Columbus and you'll understand that Columbus wasn't just an idiot who got lost and was made famous for it and nor was he a devil. Perhaps the truth about this man lies somewhere in the middle.

No matter how you feel about Columbus, it can't be denied that he influenced the world. After you read the articles above you, like me, will have a more balanced view of this explorer.  (Tip:  Asking your teenager whether Columbus was "good" or "bad" should spark an interesting debate.  Give it a try!)

I'm proud to be part Italian...maybe not so proud of fellow Pisan Columbus, though...

Thank you for reading!  Come back again, won't you?