How To Talk With Your Teen – Who Won't Talk With You

Ah, teenagers! You've got to love them, or else you'll kill them. My mild-mannered little boy who could chat up a storm hit puberty and his vocabulary began to dwindle, at least when it came to me. I get it. I'm his mother. I'm “annoying.” And as puberty has progressed, he's become a hot bed of embers, just waiting for something, or someone to inflame him.

Teens can be challenging to talk with!

So how can you talk to a teenager, whose hormones are raging and is under tremendous pressure from school, etc.?  It's not easy, and there's no guarantee you'll have a civil conversation, but here's what's working for me:

1. Keep topics neutral. Talk about a movie or television show he likes, how his video games are going, if anything interesting happened at school today. Go on his school's website and discover what he's studying, then strike up a conversation about one of those topics.
   
   
2. Take advantage of car time. At minimum, I drive my son to and from school. We talk about the weather, other drivers, interesting cars we see, houses we'd love to live in, the news, and, at night, what people might be doing in their houses. Yes, it's superficial, but it's conversation nonetheless.
   
   
3. Invite them down for a snack and let them speak first. Your daughter might be more willing to talk if you're just sitting there reading or doing stuff in the kitchen. The point is to BE there just in case they need to talk. 
   
   
4. Once they do start talking, don't interrupt.  Let them take control of the conversation. They're like butterflies; you don't want to scare them away.
   
   
5. Just listen. Don't try to fix a problem unless asked. As parents, we want life to be easy for our kids and we offer unsolicited advice. Sometimes a kid just needs a sounding board. Lend an ear, not a tongue.
   
   
   
   
   
   

   

   Listen to your teen - let her do the talking.

   
   
   
   

When Junior was in the living room last night playing his clarinet, I complimented him on his playing. “Mom, I know you're just trying to be nice, but I find your comments ANNOYING. I know you like to hear me play. Leave it at that.” Message received. Lesson learned.  No offense taken.  

Tonight, as we drive to the Mall for something he needs, I'll surrender control of the stereo. He likes to plug his phone in and share his music with me. It's not my taste, but this is not about me. It's about him knowing that I'm there and being open to who he is. Hopefully, when the he wants to talk about the complicated stuff (girls, drinking, etc.), he'll remember that I'm here for him.

I know he needs me.  He knows he needs me.   All it takes is a little conversation – on teen terms.

Please note:  1)  I am not a health care professional.  I am a mother, trying to minimize the amount of therapy her kids will eventually need.  2)  The photos above are courtesy of Pixabay.com.  

 

 

5 EASY Tips For Talking With Your Teenage Son (Really! It's Possible!)

As Junior is progressing through his teenage years (he's now 14), I've noticed something: his vocabulary seems to be shrinking, at least as it pertains to me.

Teenage boys often do little more than grunt.

A typical conversation after school goes like this:  

Me: How was school?

Him: Fine.

Me: What'd you learn? Anything stand out? 

Him: Nothing. Nope.

Me: Did you have any club meetings? 

Him: Yes.

Me: What'd you do?

Him: Nothing.

 

See the pattern?

Then he goes up into his room to do his homework and Skype with his friends and I don't see him again until he wanders down, like a man lost in the wilderness, looking for food before he, once again, returns to his cave.

In an effort to break this pattern and really communicate with him, I've discovered these tips for talking with my teenage son:

1. Time it right. Obviously, right after school is not the best time for my son. He needs to decompress. When we're driving to or from a friend's house, however, IS. He's more open to communicating, is captive, and seems eager to talk. Dinner time is prime talking time as well. We don't often eat as a family, but when he comes down to supper, I sit with him. Lastly, just before bed is the BEST time to find out what's on his mind. I've learned more in the 15 minutes before bedtime than at any other time in the day! 
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Ask open-ended questions. That was one of my mistakes above. What I should have done was ask questions like:

• What was the easiest/hardest question on your test today?
• Who's your favorite teacher and why?
• What current events are you talking about in school? This is a great one that can lead to ALL kinds of discussions!
  
  
  
  

3. Validate his feelings and reflect what you hear. Statements like “I hear how frustrated you are!” and “Wow! That must have been hard!” let him know that his feelings are okay. Similarly, don't try to solve his problems. Let him talk it out. Only give help when directly asked for it.
     
   
   

   

   I love the sound of my son's laughter!

    
4. Don't pressure him to talk, but let him know you're open to it. Say, for example, “I see that you don't want to talk right now. If you want to later, I'm here for you.” Then, when he comes to talk to you, drop what you're doing and listen! You're showing him that you respect his wishes but are still leaving the lines of communication open.
   
   
   
   
   
   
5. Listen more than you talk. Sometimes teens perceive that parents are lecturing, even if we're not. For example, a little while ago, my son heard the sentence “Putting your backpack away will help you find your book” as a full discourse on his messiness. Oh boy – I shouldn't have said that. But when he's sitting down to eat, I try to use active listening skills like looking him in the eye when possible, using engaging body language, etc. (learn about active listening skills here).

Remember, that the teenage years are a time of transition. 

There will be periods in which your boy is processing all that he's going through and may seem withdrawn. Let him know that he can always talk to you about anything and then, when he does, LISTEN and don't' fix or judge! 

To read my helpful notes on a presentation I attended entitled “Get Out Of My Life” - “The Road Map For The Rocky Road Of Teenage Life”, click here).

Helping Your Child Follow Rules (Without You Busting A Vocal Chord)

HELP your child follow rules

I've written several times about how my family discusses and comes up with rules and contracts that we ask everyone to follow and sign (read here about family rules and here for the rules regarding a sport)  - family). Having family rules helps us function in several ways including:

• Serving as tangible reminders of how we choose to live since the rules get printed out and posted on the refrigerator.

• There are set repercussions to breaking them which all can see.

• They pertain to everyone, even adults, so the kids know that they're fair.

• The kids are asked to sign off on them so there's no doubt that everyone agreed.

• It makes parenting easier, since behavioral parameters and repercussions have been set by the family unit as a whole (meaning, I don't have to come up with them on the fly).
  

But how do you get kids to listen and follow those rules, even though they've signed off on them? Here are some guidelines that actually work:

1. Build in plenty of transition time. Remember when your kids were younger and you needed to give them time to move from one activity to another? I'd forgotten, since Lily is 9, that it's still important to allow them time to switch gears. That means no giving a 2-minute warning when you're frantically trying to leave the house.
   
   
2. Get in their face and make eye contact. Yelling from upstairs or another room is just background noise and they can't follow what they can't hear. Yelling just gets me worked up and she can't hear me or isn't focusing on me anyway. If I get in there, make eye contact (pausing the television if I have to) and maybe gently put my hand on her shoulder while giving her a 5-minute warning, it's far more effective. Oh, and stick to the 5 minutes, perhaps setting a timer, so the child takes the warning seriously.
   
   
3. Use as few words as possible. When you say, “Sweetie, we have to go pick up your brother in 15 minutes from preschool because it's over and he'll be crying...” all they hear is “blah, blah, blah, brother, blah, blah, blah.” There are too many words for them to focus on. Keep it brief: “Leaving – 5 minutes.”
   
   
4. Acknowledge, as they're leaving whatever they were engrossed in, that the transition is hard so they feel heard. “Sure, that's a great show and I know you'd like to continue watching it. But right now we need to...” No one wants to obey a drill Sargent.  Empathy builds connections and makes them want to listen and follow your directions. If they push back, keep your voice calm (I recently discovered that this drives them CRAZY but it's effective because they have to lower their voice in order to listen to you).  Keeping my voice low also keeps me calm.
   
   
5. Create consequences for not following instructions (these can spelled out in the Family Rules). “If we don't go to the dentist now, I can't allow you to have any computer time later – it's your choice” let's the kid know exactly what will happen if they don't comply.  You're not threatening, but simply stating the repercussion of their action.  And remember to follow-through.
   
   
6. Praise them for listening! “I really love the way you got up and did everything we needed to do to get to school. I'm so proud of you!” Positive reinforcement of the behavior you want motivates your child to follow instructions in the future.
   
   
7. Model obedience.  Show kids that you follow rules – in traffic, at work, and in society. They notice when you don't.
   

Our kids need guidance and guidelines now and to survive in society. Treating children the way we would like to be treated, by giving them transition time, consequences and behaving courteously toward, will encourage them to behave.

Kids need to learn to follow rules - without you yelling

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Sources for this post include:
 http://www.ahaparenting.com; http://everydaylife.globalpost.com,

Thank you for reading!