5 EASY Tips For Talking With Your Teenage Son (Really! It's Possible!)

As Junior is progressing through his teenage years (he's now 14), I've noticed something: his vocabulary seems to be shrinking, at least as it pertains to me.

Teenage boys often do little more than grunt.

A typical conversation after school goes like this:  

Me: How was school?

Him: Fine.

Me: What'd you learn? Anything stand out? 

Him: Nothing. Nope.

Me: Did you have any club meetings? 

Him: Yes.

Me: What'd you do?

Him: Nothing.

 

See the pattern?

Then he goes up into his room to do his homework and Skype with his friends and I don't see him again until he wanders down, like a man lost in the wilderness, looking for food before he, once again, returns to his cave.

In an effort to break this pattern and really communicate with him, I've discovered these tips for talking with my teenage son:

1. Time it right. Obviously, right after school is not the best time for my son. He needs to decompress. When we're driving to or from a friend's house, however, IS. He's more open to communicating, is captive, and seems eager to talk. Dinner time is prime talking time as well. We don't often eat as a family, but when he comes down to supper, I sit with him. Lastly, just before bed is the BEST time to find out what's on his mind. I've learned more in the 15 minutes before bedtime than at any other time in the day! 
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Ask open-ended questions. That was one of my mistakes above. What I should have done was ask questions like:

• What was the easiest/hardest question on your test today?
• Who's your favorite teacher and why?
• What current events are you talking about in school? This is a great one that can lead to ALL kinds of discussions!
  
  
  
  

3. Validate his feelings and reflect what you hear. Statements like “I hear how frustrated you are!” and “Wow! That must have been hard!” let him know that his feelings are okay. Similarly, don't try to solve his problems. Let him talk it out. Only give help when directly asked for it.
     
   
   

   

   I love the sound of my son's laughter!

    
4. Don't pressure him to talk, but let him know you're open to it. Say, for example, “I see that you don't want to talk right now. If you want to later, I'm here for you.” Then, when he comes to talk to you, drop what you're doing and listen! You're showing him that you respect his wishes but are still leaving the lines of communication open.
   
   
   
   
   
   
5. Listen more than you talk. Sometimes teens perceive that parents are lecturing, even if we're not. For example, a little while ago, my son heard the sentence “Putting your backpack away will help you find your book” as a full discourse on his messiness. Oh boy – I shouldn't have said that. But when he's sitting down to eat, I try to use active listening skills like looking him in the eye when possible, using engaging body language, etc. (learn about active listening skills here).

Remember, that the teenage years are a time of transition. 

There will be periods in which your boy is processing all that he's going through and may seem withdrawn. Let him know that he can always talk to you about anything and then, when he does, LISTEN and don't' fix or judge! 

To read my helpful notes on a presentation I attended entitled “Get Out Of My Life” - “The Road Map For The Rocky Road Of Teenage Life”, click here).

Helping Kids Cope With Death Around The Holidays

My wonderful, great Aunt Winnie passed away just before Thanksgiving. Now, death itself is hard enough for anyone to deal with, but add in the upcoming holidays and it can be even more difficult for children. While Winnie was 93 and we expected the call sometime, the experience has been surreal since I don't think we're ever ready for the grieving process to begin. In the midst of it, I've been watching my children (9 and 14) deal with this in their own ways. 

My Aunt Winnie - I miss her so much!

 

Here's what I've been observing and what's been helping us all through these rough weeks:

1. Our faith: Here's where I think religion really is incredibly useful! We are an interfaith family, with my husband Jewish and me a former Catholic. Our children are being raised Unitarian Universalist; they're being taught about all faith traditions and learning to develop their own belief systems.  To some degree, they already have.  My daughter is a firm believer in reincarnation and the afterlife. The Teen believes in some semblance of the hereafter. Both kids feel the spirit lives on and this is helping them understand that in some way, our dear Aunt is still with us in Spirit.  On Christmas Eve, we'll be saying a special prayer in her honor.  

2. Talking: They're seeing me grieve and although they weren't as close to Winnie as I was, they understand the sadness inherent in death. The kids have been cutting me some slack on not being myself lately. We've talked about how much we'll miss her and have been sharing stories about what a kind, generous person she was and how much she loved us all.  My children know that it's okay to be a little sad this holiday season; healing takes time.

3. Asking questions: My daughter has been asking about the rituals associated with death more than anything else. Before the memorial service and burial yesterday, she and I were able to go into the funeral parlor early. She asked questions about the casket, the body, Mass cards, etc. I described the body much like the shells of the cicadas we saw over the summer. Because I wasn't rushed and there was no one else there, we were able to have a nice, long discussion about what she was seeing and what to expect. After the service, the nun invited us to bless the body with Holy Water and the woman was kind enough to explain to Lily why we were doing it.  Because I answered her questions honestly and in a matter-of-fact manner, there was nothing scarey about yesterday's rituals. 

Grieving is a process, not an event

4. Honoring the memory of the deceased: We've always had a memory tree (really just a corn plant) which hang with homemade ornaments containing the names of loved ones who have passed. We'll be adding an ornament in Winnie's name. Similarly, when she first died, I lit a Yahrzeit candle for her and let it burn in the fireplace. I love this Jewish tradition of burning a candle to symbolically represent the human soul (for more on this, click here). Watching the flame flicker made me feel closer to Winnie and was a loving reminder of her warm spirit. During the wake yesterday, Lily and I brought flowers to the casket because we always brought flowers to my aunt when she was alive. I plan to continue to have fresh flowers in my house so that the kids and I will be reminded of Winnie's beauty and kindness.  Our Christmas tree contains ornaments she sent us over the years.  If we cherished them before, they're even more special now.  

Grieving is a process and I fully expect more questions to pop up, especially since the kids' grandmothers (one of whom is 90) will be coming over for Christmas. I'm anticipating the need for more cuddles on both their parts, possible regressive behavior and nightmares, and the need for them to feel more secure in the upcoming weeks. If need be, I'm ready to ask our minister to intercede and help us all cope with what's happened.

Death is an inevitable event that no one likes to think about. By keeping the memories of our deceased love ones alive and letting my children constantly know that I love them, I'm hoping to help them grieve just as I am. Aunt Winnie may be gone, but she lives in our memories and her death is an opportunity for us all to grow. She gave us love and that love continues. 

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Resources that have been helpful to me have included:

KidsHealth (https://secure02.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html) and

http://nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf; and the National Association Of School Psychologist (http://nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf). 

Thank you for reading!