Helping Kids Cope With Death Around The Holidays

My wonderful, great Aunt Winnie passed away just before Thanksgiving. Now, death itself is hard enough for anyone to deal with, but add in the upcoming holidays and it can be even more difficult for children. While Winnie was 93 and we expected the call sometime, the experience has been surreal since I don't think we're ever ready for the grieving process to begin. In the midst of it, I've been watching my children (9 and 14) deal with this in their own ways. 

My Aunt Winnie - I miss her so much!

 

Here's what I've been observing and what's been helping us all through these rough weeks:

1. Our faith: Here's where I think religion really is incredibly useful! We are an interfaith family, with my husband Jewish and me a former Catholic. Our children are being raised Unitarian Universalist; they're being taught about all faith traditions and learning to develop their own belief systems.  To some degree, they already have.  My daughter is a firm believer in reincarnation and the afterlife. The Teen believes in some semblance of the hereafter. Both kids feel the spirit lives on and this is helping them understand that in some way, our dear Aunt is still with us in Spirit.  On Christmas Eve, we'll be saying a special prayer in her honor.  

2. Talking: They're seeing me grieve and although they weren't as close to Winnie as I was, they understand the sadness inherent in death. The kids have been cutting me some slack on not being myself lately. We've talked about how much we'll miss her and have been sharing stories about what a kind, generous person she was and how much she loved us all.  My children know that it's okay to be a little sad this holiday season; healing takes time.

3. Asking questions: My daughter has been asking about the rituals associated with death more than anything else. Before the memorial service and burial yesterday, she and I were able to go into the funeral parlor early. She asked questions about the casket, the body, Mass cards, etc. I described the body much like the shells of the cicadas we saw over the summer. Because I wasn't rushed and there was no one else there, we were able to have a nice, long discussion about what she was seeing and what to expect. After the service, the nun invited us to bless the body with Holy Water and the woman was kind enough to explain to Lily why we were doing it.  Because I answered her questions honestly and in a matter-of-fact manner, there was nothing scarey about yesterday's rituals. 

Grieving is a process, not an event

4. Honoring the memory of the deceased: We've always had a memory tree (really just a corn plant) which hang with homemade ornaments containing the names of loved ones who have passed. We'll be adding an ornament in Winnie's name. Similarly, when she first died, I lit a Yahrzeit candle for her and let it burn in the fireplace. I love this Jewish tradition of burning a candle to symbolically represent the human soul (for more on this, click here). Watching the flame flicker made me feel closer to Winnie and was a loving reminder of her warm spirit. During the wake yesterday, Lily and I brought flowers to the casket because we always brought flowers to my aunt when she was alive. I plan to continue to have fresh flowers in my house so that the kids and I will be reminded of Winnie's beauty and kindness.  Our Christmas tree contains ornaments she sent us over the years.  If we cherished them before, they're even more special now.  

Grieving is a process and I fully expect more questions to pop up, especially since the kids' grandmothers (one of whom is 90) will be coming over for Christmas. I'm anticipating the need for more cuddles on both their parts, possible regressive behavior and nightmares, and the need for them to feel more secure in the upcoming weeks. If need be, I'm ready to ask our minister to intercede and help us all cope with what's happened.

Death is an inevitable event that no one likes to think about. By keeping the memories of our deceased love ones alive and letting my children constantly know that I love them, I'm hoping to help them grieve just as I am. Aunt Winnie may be gone, but she lives in our memories and her death is an opportunity for us all to grow. She gave us love and that love continues. 

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Resources that have been helpful to me have included:

KidsHealth (https://secure02.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html) and

http://nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf; and the National Association Of School Psychologist (http://nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf). 

Thank you for reading!

10 Tips For Helping Kids When They Visit A Nursing Home

My GREAT aunt

My great aunt (and she IS great) is 93 and in a nursing home. When we first began visiting her after the fell that ended her time living on her own, she was bright and lucid. Her mind was sharp.  Now, three years later, she is a shell of who she once was. Today, when I brought the kids to see her, she had lost weight and was clearly not herself. My children, especially my 8-year old, had trouble with this latest visit. So I've compiled this list of tips to help us, as parents, help our children when they go to see someone in a nursing home.

1. Talk with your kids about why they're visiting. Explaining why your relative or friend is living there, i.e. because they're unable to care for themselves, is important. Help them gain appreciation for the aging process and see, in a positive manner, why a nursing home is a good place for people who need it (socialization, constant care, etc.). 
   
   
2. Prepare them for what they might see and hear. They will probably see residents in wheelchairs and some using walkers. They may see people who are unresponsive or talking in an erratic manner. Encourage your child to ask questions and discuss any concerns they might have. 
   
   
3. Explain how to behave properly in a nursing home so that the visit is pleasant. Kids need to know that they should keep their voices down, walk instead of run, be aware of people in the hallways, and understand that older people may not see or hear them.  Visitors need to get out of the way of residents first. 
   
   
4. Help kids not to take any negative expressions personally. Some elderly people may be resentful, in constant pain, and/or angry because they can't do things they once could. They may be angry that family and friends are not visiting more often. Help children understand what the elderly might be going through and that the behaviors expressed often have nothing to do with the children themselves. 
   
   
5. Try to time the visit so that the resident is at their best. Often, optimal visiting times are mid-morning, mid-afternoon, and early evening. Ask the elder or her caregiver what time of day would be the best and most convenient.
   
   
6. Bring a gift for the resident and let the kids help to pick the gift out. We bring flowers to my aunt and my daughter loves choosing which type of flowers we bring. You can see her
   swelling with pride as we walk through the hallway and people compliment her on the beautiful bouquet she's chosen. If the resident's diet permits (check first), you could bring a treat that your child can share with the elderly person. We've stopped on the way up for ice cream; my kids pick out a cup of their favorite and we get my aunt her preferred flavor. Then we have a picnic in her room.
   
   
   
7. Plan an activity that will involve the resident and the child. We've brought playing cards up and had a rousing game of War. If you're going to do crafts, bring needed supplies with you. An activity is a great way to engage even the shyest child who might be intimidated by the nursing home surroundings.  Showing the resident photographs is also a marvelous way to foster conversation and bonding.
   
   

8. 

   My aunt loves seeing pictures of our cat and hearing about the mischief she's been up to.

   Model the behavior you want your kids to exhibit. If they sense that you're uncomfortable, they will be, too. Keep things upbeat, although not falsely cheerful. Highlight the positives and avoid making negative comments about the person or the environment. 
   
   
9. Keep the visit short. Both kids and the elderly may have short attention spans and get tired quickly. It's easier and kinder to make more frequent brief visits than to force an occasional long one. 
   
   
10. After the visit, talk with your kids about what happened and how they felt. Answer questions honestly and praise them for having gone and for their behavior.

My kids honestly love my aunt. They remember her as she used to be and appreciate the fact that she's lived such a long life. As hard as today was, they know it was important to go and show her how much we love her. 

It's vital for kids to see those in all stages of the aging process and know that there are options for when people cannot take care of themselves. Vising a nursing home to see someone you love is an important lesson children will hold onto forever. 

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Thanks for reading!