Rules For My 16-Year Old This Summer

Motherhood is an evolution because as the kids change, we parents have to tweak our parenting skills to coincide with whatever stage they're in. For example, a few years ago I wrote a popular post entitled “6 Rules To Help The Teen & I This Summer”. My son is now a few weeks away from turning 16 and, despite his best efforts, was unable to secure either a job or even a volunteer opportunity this season, since most places won't even consider hiring anyone who's 15 (I'm sure there's a reason for this, but Hey Volunteer Organizations: This policy sucks! He's a great kid who would have been an asset to your nursing home, animal shelter, etc.). While I'm giddy that Junior is around this vacation, I've once again, had to adjust the parameters for his 10 weeks or so off since his level of maturity is far different than it was a few years ago. 

This is an image off Pixabay - it's not my teen.

So are are my original 6 Rules For My Teen, plus a few I've added to help my adolescent and I thrive while he's around:

1. You must tell me where you're going and check in with me periodically. Whereas before, I wanted to know your route, that's no longer necessary. You're almost 6' tall and know the whole child abduction drill. Still, I want to know what your ultimate destination is, whether it's the pizza parlor, friend's house, etc. 
   
   
2. You must respond on your cellphone when I call or text me back. When you were 13, the rule was you had to always have his cellphone on you (and charged) because you'd just gotten it. Now it's basically a part of your body. But you've got to answer and/or text back, otherwise, I worry. This, of course, implies that I won't pester you with questions, check-ins, etc. which I do not. 
   
   
3. You pay for the bulk of your entertainment. You get an allowance. Pay for your own excursions (to restaurants, waterparks, etc.). If you don't have the money, we'll work it out.
   
   
4. Figure out what you need and bring it. Water bottles, sunscreen, a swimsuit, towels – pack ahead of time and if you forget it, consider it a learning experience.
   
   
5. Your friends are welcome to come over, but there must be an “ending time” to their visits. A few years back, we had several kids who came in the morning and didn't leave until well into the night, despite being told what time their parents should pick them up. I love your friends, but the shear number of those open-ended visits threw the family off.
   
   
6. If you makes future plans, let us know about them. Summertime is still, to some degree, family time and we'd like to see him, especially on the weekends. We all have the Cozi Family Calendar app on our smartphones (it allows all parties to see and adjust the family calendar) so there should be no confusion about events that are coming up; these events include your own plans which are to be respected by your dad and me.
   

Additional rules for my soon-to-be 16 year-old:

7. We need to limit the larger friend gatherings. During the school year, you have upwards of 10 kids coming here on Friday nights. While I WANT THEM HERE, having such a large number of teens here a few times a week strains the family budget. Have one or two kids over a few times a week, but the larger hang-outs are still limited to once per week.
   
   
8. You've got to work around the house. Yes, your choreload has increased for the summer, of course, because you're around more; no, you're not getting a larger allowance for this. Some things you're just expected to do because you're part of the family. But there are a few projects we need done like painting the front door, de-cluttering the garage, etc. that that you're perfectly capable of doing – for an additional price. Similarly, you've agreed to give your sister music lessons which I LOVE because it's a time that you're having fun together without video. 
   
   
9. Sometimes, get yourself from place to place. I am not Uber. I don't mind driving you somewhere if I happen to be going in that direction, but the concept of “pick me up here and take me there” is not happening. If I'm in a good mood, I may assist with part of the journey, but our town is small, your pals are relatively close, and your legs work. Use them either to walk or pedal that wonderful adult bike we got you a few years back. Similarly, I am not your friends' taxi. If Mike wants to come over, let him find a way to do it – I'm not picking him up (and yes, I've had parents who work ask me if I can ferry their kids about). 
   
   
10. You are now responsible for his own pool badge, health club card, library card, etc. Mommy is not the keeper of these articles any more. It's time to carry a wallet with these cards in it along with cash for incidentals. 
    
    
11. Friends do not belong in your bedroom. Adolescence is a time of exploration. While your buddies friends are great, they're still teens and no one is going to try drugs or alcohol on my watch if I can help it. As for girls – there's no WAY they're setting foot in your bedroom! Our house is big enough where y'all can hang in the den. There's no reason for your hommies to explore other recreational rooms.
    
    
12. You can wait on your friends and clean up after they leave. This is part of hosting. Kid, you ask your friends what they want to drink and get it for them. I'll buy the snacks, but you serve. He also needs to clear dishes and vacuum the rug (for crumbs) once they leave. To your credit, as soon as the door closes on the last kid, you're on Clean Up Duty without any prompting from me. 
    
    

Parents, sure, a lot of these rules are common sense, however, putting them out there, discussing them ahead of time, means fewer arguments. Next year, when my son is driving, I'll drop some of guidelines because he won't need reminding and add others pertaining to the car. 

The car....oh Lord! Stay tuned, readers. More advice on teens coming up shortly as Junior gets his Permit. 

How To Talk With Your Teen – Who Won't Talk With You

Ah, teenagers! You've got to love them, or else you'll kill them. My mild-mannered little boy who could chat up a storm hit puberty and his vocabulary began to dwindle, at least when it came to me. I get it. I'm his mother. I'm “annoying.” And as puberty has progressed, he's become a hot bed of embers, just waiting for something, or someone to inflame him.

Teens can be challenging to talk with!

So how can you talk to a teenager, whose hormones are raging and is under tremendous pressure from school, etc.?  It's not easy, and there's no guarantee you'll have a civil conversation, but here's what's working for me:

1. Keep topics neutral. Talk about a movie or television show he likes, how his video games are going, if anything interesting happened at school today. Go on his school's website and discover what he's studying, then strike up a conversation about one of those topics.
   
   
2. Take advantage of car time. At minimum, I drive my son to and from school. We talk about the weather, other drivers, interesting cars we see, houses we'd love to live in, the news, and, at night, what people might be doing in their houses. Yes, it's superficial, but it's conversation nonetheless.
   
   
3. Invite them down for a snack and let them speak first. Your daughter might be more willing to talk if you're just sitting there reading or doing stuff in the kitchen. The point is to BE there just in case they need to talk. 
   
   
4. Once they do start talking, don't interrupt.  Let them take control of the conversation. They're like butterflies; you don't want to scare them away.
   
   
5. Just listen. Don't try to fix a problem unless asked. As parents, we want life to be easy for our kids and we offer unsolicited advice. Sometimes a kid just needs a sounding board. Lend an ear, not a tongue.
   
   
   
   
   
   

   

   Listen to your teen - let her do the talking.

   
   
   
   

When Junior was in the living room last night playing his clarinet, I complimented him on his playing. “Mom, I know you're just trying to be nice, but I find your comments ANNOYING. I know you like to hear me play. Leave it at that.” Message received. Lesson learned.  No offense taken.  

Tonight, as we drive to the Mall for something he needs, I'll surrender control of the stereo. He likes to plug his phone in and share his music with me. It's not my taste, but this is not about me. It's about him knowing that I'm there and being open to who he is. Hopefully, when the he wants to talk about the complicated stuff (girls, drinking, etc.), he'll remember that I'm here for him.

I know he needs me.  He knows he needs me.   All it takes is a little conversation – on teen terms.

Please note:  1)  I am not a health care professional.  I am a mother, trying to minimize the amount of therapy her kids will eventually need.  2)  The photos above are courtesy of Pixabay.com.  

 

 

10 Ways To Deal With Your Teenager's Mood Swings

My son was the most agreeable, mild-mannered kid...until he hit puberty. Then, over the course of the next three years, he turned into a monosyllabic behemoth who only wants to play with his friends on the computer. As much as I love him (and I do, COMPLETELY), I only know he's alive when 1) I hear the toilet flush 2) he comes down to the kitchen to forage for food.

After a LOT of reading (books, on the Web) and talking to other parents as well as a few counselors, here are

10 Tips To Deal With Your Teenager's Mood Swings

1. Don't take it personally. This is not about you, it's all about your teenager. Between hormones and the pressures of school and extra-curricular activities, these kids are tornadoes of emotion.  They're not provoking you deliberately:  they can't help themselves!
   
   
   
   
2. Be there for your teen. I don't just mean emotionally, telling them they can talk to you about anything. I mean physically; the more opportunities they have to encounter you, the more comfortable they'll be in talking to you. Case in point: when I'm up late, Junior will sometimes invite me downstairs for a snack during which we'll cuddle on the couch. We don't have to talk, but on more than once occasion, he's confided in me about something bothering him. SWEET!
   
   
   
   
3. Model what to do when you're having a mood swing. When I get really frustrated or moody, I remove myself from the situation for a bit until I cool down. My son has done the same thing, waiting until he composes himself before talking.
   
   
   
   
4. Invite your teen to be a part of things. One of my son's favorite phrases is “I don't wanna.” That's acceptable sometimes, but not others. When there's a family adventure or one of his sister's gymnastics meets, he is required to attend just as we attend his marching band competitions. It's what WE do as a FAMILY. 
   
   
   
   
5. Teach your teenager to express herself and identify what she's feeling. I get frustrated when my kids don't listen and I tell them that. Give them the language (“torn,” “bittersweet,” “lonely”, “irritated”) to express themselves without resorting to name-calling or profanities.
   
   
   
   
6. Give your kid space. Running after a moody teen does not good. Let them sort it out and be there for when they have.
   
   
   
   
7. Provide outlets for teenager's physical and emotional energy. Exercise is essential for everyone, especially kids at this age. Encourage your kid to join a sport, individual or team, so they get moving.
   
   
   
   
8. Encourage your child to eat right. I've had my son accompany me to the grocery store to pick out healthy foods he'll eat. This way I'm not cooking meals he has no intention of eating while he nukes a burrito. 
   
   
   
   
9. Get them help. If you suspect your child is depressed, drinking, or into drugs, don't hesitate to contact a professional. 
   
   
   
   
10. Give your teen unconditional love. Even when they're at their most annoying, they still need you.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

I'm not religious, but I suspect that the “surly years” are Nature's way of pushing our kids away. They're SO nasty, you want them out of the nest! 

As I write this, I can hear my son talking with his friends over his computer. Every once in a while I hear a note or two of the kazoo and am reassured that he's still the sweet, goofy kid I've known his whole life. His mood swings? They're normal. And puberty? We'll get through it together.

Thank you for reading!!!

10 Things All Parents Of Teenage Boys Think

I remember the moment I became cognizant that my son was transforming into a teen. He was 12 years old and we were talking just before he went to bed. “Mom,” he said, “why do I sometimes feel like crying?” My heart jumped, both because I was honored I was that he could confide in me and because I knew that puberty was changing him even as we spoke. We talked about the hormones that were not only altering his body but causing the mood swings that he was already having. “Hormones are a bitch, huh?” he said. You have no idea, Kid. 

Hair on his legs? Where did this teen come from and where's my baby?

In the two years since that conversation, many things have changed for both him, and me, as the mother of a teenage boy. In sharing my reflections with other parents, we all seem to agree that at some point we've thought:

Boy! Does he smell! - Teen boys have a decidedly musky odor that parents of teens immediately recognize.  Get a bunch of them together, for a party or sleepover, and you may as well resign yourself to the fact that you're going to have to bring out the Lysol when they leave.

When did he get so hairy? - The leg hair, the armpit hair, and now the shade of a mustache he's growing. Where did this come from?!  Who is this teen?

When did my little “helper” become so lazy? - This child, who used to live to help me take care of his little sister, shovel snow, and was eager to take out the garbage now screams in terror at the thought of emptying out the dishwasher or bringing up the laundry.  I had heard that teens could be a bit inactive, but I've seen plants grow faster than this kid moves.

Is messy the new neat? - He was never a budding Felix Unger, but lately, I have to sort through three layers of sweatpants and t-shirts to find my teen's floor to vacuum it. Add to that literally dozens of empty seltzer bottles (he lives on the stuff) and he may as well be living in a pig sty. 

How is it that he's so much smarter than I ever was at this age? - I stopped helping him with math in 3^rd grade when the first hint that Mom was an idiot crept up. I stared at the symbols on his homework and they may as well have been Sumarian. Junior is incredibly intelligent and so computer savvy that I now go to him for tech support.

Man! Does he have an active social life! - Thanks to computers, the teen plays online, with his friends every night. Thanks to texting, he meets up with them after school at the drop of a hat. And thanks to his taxi (me), he's able to go places I was never able to because my family only had one car and my dad used it. Teenagers' opportunities for socialization are endless!

Could he be schizophrenic? - In a matter of a minute, I swear he switches through personalities (nice, cranky, apologetic, baby) like I change television channels.  I swear he channels Sybil Dorsett. 

When did he become so argumentative? The mild-mannnered kid who never challenged us, now does so constantly. Now that he's a teen, he butts heads with his dad nightly, something he NEVER did before. And if you look at him the wrong way, watch out!  He leads with an argument.

I am NOT looking forward to him becoming interested in girls. - If life is dramatic now, I can't even think about what it will be like when females come into the picture. When my teen starts showering on a regular basis, then I'll know it's happened.

Right now the teenage boy thinks girls are expensive and trouble.  I'm holding on to that.

Why is he growing up so fast and how can I make him stop? This weekend he's away for the first time. I'm not worried about him, I just miss him more than I ever imagined. I blinked and my baby is now a teenager. Life is going by waay too fast!

Still, as challenging as it is being the parent of a teen, adolescence is incredible to watch. My former baby is getting more and more independent every day and periodically demonstrates a maturity I still don't have. Similarly, I find myself digging down and finding the strength I never knew I had, but realize I NEED to muster, to gradually let go. Every day I am aware that he's slipping through my fingers and finding his own way. And now I am the one who sometimes feels like crying.

~~

I appreciate you visiting me!  Please come again! 

Notes From "Get Out Of My Life" - "The Road Map For The Rocky Road Of Teenage Life"

When my local municipal alliance offered a free presentation entitled "Get Out Of My Life But First Will You Drive Me And Cheryl To The Mall?" which the flyer also billed as "The Road Map For The Rocky Road Of Teenage Life" I jumped at the chance to go.  See, lately my conversations with The Teen have consisted of me harping on him to get off the computer and admonitions to "please stop treating your sister like a rag doll."  I definitely needed some help talking to my teen.

My teen who is making my life a bit rocky these days.

The presentation was given by Dr. Anthony Wolf who wrote the "Get Out Of My Life" book and is a famous author and clinical psychologist, blah, blah, blah.  As it turns out, he's also a wonderfully engaging speaker who, in the course of the evening, illustrated his points with stories about typical teens.  I swear that one of them described, almost verbatim, an argument we'd had with The Boy just the previous night.  Here are my notes from Dr. Wolf's presentation:


I.  You cannot understand how difficult it is to parent a teen until you are actually in the situation where you are parenting a teen.  You just can't anticipate what it's like.  They wear you down and even though you set limits, you will probably wind up with a different set of limits just because they've pushed you farther than you thought you'd go.  To clarify, you may draw the line in the sand one place  and one day you look down and you're astonished to see that the line is actually a bit further than you'd originally intended.



II.  Parenting today requires more skill because fear is not a weapon anymore.  Parenting is historically different than ever before.  In previous generations, hitting kids kept them fearful of their parents.  Thanks to a wonderful revolution in child rearing practices, we now understand that this is unacceptable, unhealthy and perpetuates the cycle of physical abuse.  So kids today know there is a line that parents will not cross and they are not afraid of their parents. And how do children who are not afraid of parents behave?  They argue, ask why, talk back, etc. 



III.  We all have two modes of operation.

   A.  Baby Self - When we are at home, we regress into an immature state in which we unwind, relax, want our needs met, and tolerate zero stress.  In this mode, we have no patience and if we don't feel like doing something, we just don't do it.  We can be bratty.  Our Baby Self is important because it enables us to get the nurturing we need.  Because of this, we are very protective of this Baby Self.  When Baby Self does not get it's way, it will carry on and on in its frustrated state.  It cannot move on or let go and, more than anything else, does not want to change.

   B.  Mature Self - This is the state when we are outside our homes, in the professional, social, or school world.  Our Mature Self is able to delay gratification, has self-control, is patient, etc.  This is the self your child's teacher knows (and the one you cannot believe exists). 

Many of us go into Baby Self mode when we're at home.  I don't think Moms do because we have to HANDLE the various Baby Selves.

IV.  The selves operate at different times (my analogy:  like a car, shifting gears depending on where we are, who we are with, etc.).  Your child, at school, is his/her Mature Self, but when they arrive at home, they regress into their Baby Self.

   A.  The mere physical presence of a parent can bring out a kid's Baby Self.

   B.  The Baby Self can also come out for someone who is nurturing and sees the kid daily (i.e. a grandparent, nanny, close friend, etc.).

   C.  Two parents with the exact same parenting style may see each of the selves at different times.  For example, if Mom is the primary caregiver, she may see the Baby Self, while Dad, who comes home mostly at night, sees the Mature Self.  So things the Teen won't do for Mom (because he's in Baby Self mode), he might do for Dad (when the teen is in Mature Self mode).

   D.  Which self is the better indicator of who the child will grow up to be?  The Mature Self.


V.  Kids automatically become their Mature Self because that is the next stage of development.    As they mature, they stay in Mature Self longer and shift into Baby Mode a little later.


VI.  The best way to deal with your child when he/she is in Baby Self mode:

   A.  Decide Fast  What You Want To Do - Be flexible, but when your blood pressure rises (seriously), move onto the next step.  If you can't decide what to do, say "I'll think about it and get back to you later."  Example is forthcoming in these notes.  When setting a limit, the basis of parental authority is that you are their parent and they are stuck with you; that's the fact.  Kids hate that, but it's the truth.

   B.  Stand Firm - Pick and choose your battles, but once you make a decision, you must see your decision through to the end.  Don't let the Baby Self bully you into surrendering. 

   C.  Disengage - Do this fast because Baby Self will provoke you; remember - it can't let go, so you must.  If you want to deal with an issue brought up during the provocation, do so at a later, neutral time.  Disengaging reinforces itself for the parent since the parent is in control.  If the kid follows you around, become like a robot:  emotionless.  If you disengage, you win because you're teaching the child you will not deal with them when they are irrational (as my husband says, "I won't deal with you when you're behaving like a terrorist.)

Example from my own life (which my husband apparently has been doing brilliantly and intuitively):

- He wants Junior to get off the computer, so he decides what he wants, communicates it, and is flexible ("Please get off at 9:15."  Junior negotiates, Dad compromises, and they agree on 9:30.)
- At 9:30, Junior is still not off.  Dad stands firm while my son argues; he tells the kid if he doesn't get off, he will lose his electronics for one day.  Junior, in Baby Mode, starts to emotionally escalate the situation with yelling, screaming, etc.  Dad stays firm and closes the laptop.
- Junior is still carrying on, so Dad orders him to his room (disengages) and says they can discuss this further when the boy is calm.  After Junior is physically spent from all the arguing, Dad goes in and has a calm discussion with him.  Junior is still ticked and has lost his electronics for a day, but the next night, there is NO battle over this issue!

Disengaging from a battling teen is hard and stressful!

VII.  Adolescence is the coming together of major developmental changes in a very short period of time. 

   A.  Physical

   B.  Cognitive (they understand more)

   C.  Sexual (they become sexual beings)

   D.  A sort of dependency paradox (my phrase, not Dr. Wolf's) where the feelings of love-attachment-dependence that they used to find comforting, no longer fit.  They're tired of being dependent and find it no longer acceptable.

  
VIII.  There is a shift in the Parent-Teen relationship.

   A.  A parent walking into a room - not even speaking - can unconsciously and automatically make a teen feel uncomfortable.

  B.  For a parent, adolescence can feel like a loss because the kid they once knew before is no longer there.  He/she has changed into someone else.

  C.  Most adolescents develop a "temporary allergy" to their parents in which they feel repelled by them.  This is also a universal state which is expressed by:
        1.  Teenage boys - will retreat to deal with their emotional independence.  They do not seek support or open up to anyone.  In this Age Of The Internet, however, some may find a girl friend to talk to online which allows them to receive positive support without getting too close.
        2.  Teenage girls - declare their independence by screaming in the parent's face.  This is a much healthier way to deal with the "parental allergy" since they maintain emotional contact with parents and use them for support.


IX.  A parent can deal with this shifting relationship.

   A.  Give hugs, no matter uncomfortable it makes the teen feel (and it will).  As much as they shirk it, hugs help repel the nastiness.  They may know they're nasty, be unhappy with it, but are unable to change it.  Hugs tell them you love them no matter how horrid they're behaving.

  B.  Be upbeat.  When they're grouchy, you remain pleasant.  Feel free to pretend to be a benevolent idiot.  At this age, they think you are anyway.

  C.  The unspoken joke
         1.  From the parent's perspective:  I know you can't stand me, but I also understand this is a stage you're going through and it's not personal.  I love you no matter what.
         2.  From the kid's perspective:  My parents can rise above my nastiness and love me no matter what.

We'll survive adolescence, they'll move on...

X..  There is an unbridgeable gap between parents and teens; their limits are not yours.
   A.  There is a big disparity between what parents think their kids are capable of and what they, in fact, are capable of.  For example, you may find out later than while you thought they didn't have friends over while you were out when they actually did. 
   B.  They will sneak, lie, and bend the truth because they don't always know the boundaries of safety (my words, not the Doctor's). 
  C.  You must be skeptical of what they're telling you because what they're actually doing may be far different than what you think they're doing.  My example:  your child said he was going to a friend's house, and he did, but what he didn't tell you was that there were girls hanging out over there as well.


XI.  Adolescence eventually ends.
   A.  To see if your kid will be okay, look at yourself.  If you have been a good, loving parent who has mostly enforced the rules you set out, odds are that your kid will be fine. 

Again, these are purely my notes and my understanding of what Dr. Wolf said.  For more information on the doctor and his work, visit:

www.anthonywolf.com - This is Dr. Wolf's official site and if you click on Feature Articles, you can read excepts from some of his books.  One point I got from one of his stories:  Parental lectures do nothing but make the parent feel better.  They do very little to correct the behavior of the teen.

www.parentingteenslonline.com  - This is an "information resource for parents and teenagers" and there' a section entitled "Expert Answers: from Dr. Anthony Wolf."  I don't believe he's the only expert on this site, but I know he apparently did answer some questions about teens on here at one time.  In any case, in tooling around the site, it does seem to be a excellent one that I'll be bookmarking for future reference.

~~

What's working for you in dealing with your adolescent?  Please share!  And thank you for visiting my blog!