Rules For My 16-Year Old This Summer

Motherhood is an evolution because as the kids change, we parents have to tweak our parenting skills to coincide with whatever stage they're in. For example, a few years ago I wrote a popular post entitled “6 Rules To Help The Teen & I This Summer”. My son is now a few weeks away from turning 16 and, despite his best efforts, was unable to secure either a job or even a volunteer opportunity this season, since most places won't even consider hiring anyone who's 15 (I'm sure there's a reason for this, but Hey Volunteer Organizations: This policy sucks! He's a great kid who would have been an asset to your nursing home, animal shelter, etc.). While I'm giddy that Junior is around this vacation, I've once again, had to adjust the parameters for his 10 weeks or so off since his level of maturity is far different than it was a few years ago. 

This is an image off Pixabay - it's not my teen.

So are are my original 6 Rules For My Teen, plus a few I've added to help my adolescent and I thrive while he's around:

1. You must tell me where you're going and check in with me periodically. Whereas before, I wanted to know your route, that's no longer necessary. You're almost 6' tall and know the whole child abduction drill. Still, I want to know what your ultimate destination is, whether it's the pizza parlor, friend's house, etc. 
   
   
2. You must respond on your cellphone when I call or text me back. When you were 13, the rule was you had to always have his cellphone on you (and charged) because you'd just gotten it. Now it's basically a part of your body. But you've got to answer and/or text back, otherwise, I worry. This, of course, implies that I won't pester you with questions, check-ins, etc. which I do not. 
   
   
3. You pay for the bulk of your entertainment. You get an allowance. Pay for your own excursions (to restaurants, waterparks, etc.). If you don't have the money, we'll work it out.
   
   
4. Figure out what you need and bring it. Water bottles, sunscreen, a swimsuit, towels – pack ahead of time and if you forget it, consider it a learning experience.
   
   
5. Your friends are welcome to come over, but there must be an “ending time” to their visits. A few years back, we had several kids who came in the morning and didn't leave until well into the night, despite being told what time their parents should pick them up. I love your friends, but the shear number of those open-ended visits threw the family off.
   
   
6. If you makes future plans, let us know about them. Summertime is still, to some degree, family time and we'd like to see him, especially on the weekends. We all have the Cozi Family Calendar app on our smartphones (it allows all parties to see and adjust the family calendar) so there should be no confusion about events that are coming up; these events include your own plans which are to be respected by your dad and me.
   

Additional rules for my soon-to-be 16 year-old:

7. We need to limit the larger friend gatherings. During the school year, you have upwards of 10 kids coming here on Friday nights. While I WANT THEM HERE, having such a large number of teens here a few times a week strains the family budget. Have one or two kids over a few times a week, but the larger hang-outs are still limited to once per week.
   
   
8. You've got to work around the house. Yes, your choreload has increased for the summer, of course, because you're around more; no, you're not getting a larger allowance for this. Some things you're just expected to do because you're part of the family. But there are a few projects we need done like painting the front door, de-cluttering the garage, etc. that that you're perfectly capable of doing – for an additional price. Similarly, you've agreed to give your sister music lessons which I LOVE because it's a time that you're having fun together without video. 
   
   
9. Sometimes, get yourself from place to place. I am not Uber. I don't mind driving you somewhere if I happen to be going in that direction, but the concept of “pick me up here and take me there” is not happening. If I'm in a good mood, I may assist with part of the journey, but our town is small, your pals are relatively close, and your legs work. Use them either to walk or pedal that wonderful adult bike we got you a few years back. Similarly, I am not your friends' taxi. If Mike wants to come over, let him find a way to do it – I'm not picking him up (and yes, I've had parents who work ask me if I can ferry their kids about). 
   
   
10. You are now responsible for his own pool badge, health club card, library card, etc. Mommy is not the keeper of these articles any more. It's time to carry a wallet with these cards in it along with cash for incidentals. 
    
    
11. Friends do not belong in your bedroom. Adolescence is a time of exploration. While your buddies friends are great, they're still teens and no one is going to try drugs or alcohol on my watch if I can help it. As for girls – there's no WAY they're setting foot in your bedroom! Our house is big enough where y'all can hang in the den. There's no reason for your hommies to explore other recreational rooms.
    
    
12. You can wait on your friends and clean up after they leave. This is part of hosting. Kid, you ask your friends what they want to drink and get it for them. I'll buy the snacks, but you serve. He also needs to clear dishes and vacuum the rug (for crumbs) once they leave. To your credit, as soon as the door closes on the last kid, you're on Clean Up Duty without any prompting from me. 
    
    

Parents, sure, a lot of these rules are common sense, however, putting them out there, discussing them ahead of time, means fewer arguments. Next year, when my son is driving, I'll drop some of guidelines because he won't need reminding and add others pertaining to the car. 

The car....oh Lord! Stay tuned, readers. More advice on teens coming up shortly as Junior gets his Permit. 

Got A Daughter? Don't Ignore This

In case you missed the headlines in New York City, an 18-year old girl was gang raped in a park last Thursday. And surely you've heard about the 516 criminal complaints lodged in Cologne, Germany after women were groped and sexually assaulted by a group of men on New Year's Eve. As I'm processing these latest in reported crimes against women, I'm dumbfounded that the same media that focuses on Black Lives Matter and other important causes, is ignoring that age-old issue of

Womens Lives Matter

Where's the rallying? Where are the banners? How come it's not splattered all over the fucking media? Sure, there's outrage and promises of “justice will prevail.” Indeed, four of the five animals in

the rape have come forward and I'm sure suspects have been rounded up in Germany, but once again the world seems to be yawning at more acts of  violence perpetrated against women.

A recent analysis of the World Health Organization in conjunction with the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine and the Medical Research Council, found that “globally 35% of women have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence” (source). 

Let me repeat that: 35% of women have experienced sexual violence.

That same study says that among the risk factors for sexual violence are “attitudes that are accepting of violence and gender inequality (perpetration and experience)” which come not only from society but from the media – a media that largely ignores sexual violence against women.

I'll get off my soapbox in a second, but I just want to reinforce that Womens Lives Matter just as much as anyone else. I'm not trying to playdown or minimize anyone else's cause or struggle, but let's not let violence against women become a ho-hum reality that we all just accept.

It's disgusting and unacceptable and something we need to take action on. How?

• By teaching all children that people's bodies are to be respected
  
  
• By reminding our sons that no matter how a girl is dressed or behaving, “no” means “no;” girls are not “asking for” nor do they “want” to be abused.
  
  
• By reminding our daughters that they are strong and deserve to be treated with respect.
  
  
• By not supporting movies, television, games, etc. that depict women as weak and as sex objects. These should never been seen as the norm.
  
  
• By teaching girls to support one another and be heros; if they see someone dissing another girl, they need to stand up and say something. 
  
  
• By not sexualizing our little girls. Think about how many little girls you saw out at Halloween in inappropriate attire (whether dressed as Bratz dolls or any other characters marketed to girls which are sexually suggestive).  
  
  
• By teaching boys that they have absolute control over how they treat a people. The whole “I couldn't control myself” is NOT a valid defense in any kind of crime. If you've got a penis or a fist – control where it goes. 
  
  

Womens lives matter.  We think we know it, but with females getting abused every day, I think we need to be reminded of it constantly, especially if we have women-in-training (girls). 

Violence, against ANYONE, is unacceptable – PERIOD.

10 Things All Parents Of Teenage Boys Think

I remember the moment I became cognizant that my son was transforming into a teen. He was 12 years old and we were talking just before he went to bed. “Mom,” he said, “why do I sometimes feel like crying?” My heart jumped, both because I was honored I was that he could confide in me and because I knew that puberty was changing him even as we spoke. We talked about the hormones that were not only altering his body but causing the mood swings that he was already having. “Hormones are a bitch, huh?” he said. You have no idea, Kid. 

Hair on his legs? Where did this teen come from and where's my baby?

In the two years since that conversation, many things have changed for both him, and me, as the mother of a teenage boy. In sharing my reflections with other parents, we all seem to agree that at some point we've thought:

Boy! Does he smell! - Teen boys have a decidedly musky odor that parents of teens immediately recognize.  Get a bunch of them together, for a party or sleepover, and you may as well resign yourself to the fact that you're going to have to bring out the Lysol when they leave.

When did he get so hairy? - The leg hair, the armpit hair, and now the shade of a mustache he's growing. Where did this come from?!  Who is this teen?

When did my little “helper” become so lazy? - This child, who used to live to help me take care of his little sister, shovel snow, and was eager to take out the garbage now screams in terror at the thought of emptying out the dishwasher or bringing up the laundry.  I had heard that teens could be a bit inactive, but I've seen plants grow faster than this kid moves.

Is messy the new neat? - He was never a budding Felix Unger, but lately, I have to sort through three layers of sweatpants and t-shirts to find my teen's floor to vacuum it. Add to that literally dozens of empty seltzer bottles (he lives on the stuff) and he may as well be living in a pig sty. 

How is it that he's so much smarter than I ever was at this age? - I stopped helping him with math in 3^rd grade when the first hint that Mom was an idiot crept up. I stared at the symbols on his homework and they may as well have been Sumarian. Junior is incredibly intelligent and so computer savvy that I now go to him for tech support.

Man! Does he have an active social life! - Thanks to computers, the teen plays online, with his friends every night. Thanks to texting, he meets up with them after school at the drop of a hat. And thanks to his taxi (me), he's able to go places I was never able to because my family only had one car and my dad used it. Teenagers' opportunities for socialization are endless!

Could he be schizophrenic? - In a matter of a minute, I swear he switches through personalities (nice, cranky, apologetic, baby) like I change television channels.  I swear he channels Sybil Dorsett. 

When did he become so argumentative? The mild-mannnered kid who never challenged us, now does so constantly. Now that he's a teen, he butts heads with his dad nightly, something he NEVER did before. And if you look at him the wrong way, watch out!  He leads with an argument.

I am NOT looking forward to him becoming interested in girls. - If life is dramatic now, I can't even think about what it will be like when females come into the picture. When my teen starts showering on a regular basis, then I'll know it's happened.

Right now the teenage boy thinks girls are expensive and trouble.  I'm holding on to that.

Why is he growing up so fast and how can I make him stop? This weekend he's away for the first time. I'm not worried about him, I just miss him more than I ever imagined. I blinked and my baby is now a teenager. Life is going by waay too fast!

Still, as challenging as it is being the parent of a teen, adolescence is incredible to watch. My former baby is getting more and more independent every day and periodically demonstrates a maturity I still don't have. Similarly, I find myself digging down and finding the strength I never knew I had, but realize I NEED to muster, to gradually let go. Every day I am aware that he's slipping through my fingers and finding his own way. And now I am the one who sometimes feels like crying.

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I appreciate you visiting me!  Please come again! 

Worried Your Kid's Party Won't Go Well? Here's How To Make Sure It DOES!

What if my child's birthday party doesn't go well? What if it tanks?!

I was nervous about Lily's at-home birthday party this past Saturday. Of the 8 kids we'd invited, only three were scheduled to show up (with several people not RSVPing until the day before – SERIOUSLY people?! Show some consideration!). It was starting to look more like a playdate than a party. So what do you do when your child's birthday party could, potentially, fall apart? Here's what saved the day:

1. Have an agenda and back-up plans. With the party being in October and the uncertainty of the weather, we had an indoor itinerary and an outdoor one. I'd planned on the kids doing a craft, but the birthday girl nixed that idea at the last minute. Since the weather was nice, we opted for relay races, obstacle courses, and Lily even made up a few games herself.

2. Have extra food on hand.   Munching kids are busy, happy kids.  Based on the mid-afternoon time slot of the party, I'd vetoed the idea of pizza in favor of having just snacks and cake. Bad idea. Fortunately, I'd had the foresight to buy the ever-popular Bagel Bites on hand and when I saw the kids gorging on the Doritos, I whipped up a batch of those easily-microwaveable pizza bagels. They were a hit.
   
   
   
   
    

3. 

   My FAVORITE kid's game - for parties or playdates!

   In advance, PURCHASE THE GAME HULLABALOO! I bought it years ago, when my son was in preschool and am convinced that it's THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED FOR KIDS 9 and under! It's so simple that they can play it on their own, with friends of all ages. The game consists of different colored and shaped pads you place on the floor and a main “console” with one button that plays clear-cut instructions. You go from pad to pad; sometimes you dance on the pad, other times you contort into Twister-like positions or pretend you're playing a musical instrument, etc. The unit goes off if the kids haven't played it in a while. I used to carry it in my car because if the kids ever got bored at a relative's house or were on a playdate that they didn't get along with, I could whip it out. The game can be played indoors or out and it's tons of fun. Even the teen will play it with his sister. We brought Hullabaloo outdoors and the girls played it on the patio for at least 45 minutes.
   
   
   
   
   
4. Give the birthday kid some control. Lily, thank God, is an outgoing child who manufactures merriment when she's with people. She came up with variations on the races, threw some duct tape on the patio which the kids used as a balance beam, good naturedly mocked her own performance, and was having so much fun that it became infectious. Her out-of-the-box thinking and positive attitude really made the party enjoyable for all of her guests. 
   
   

   

   What would a kids' party be without music & dancing?

   
   
5. Make sure music is involved. Kids LOVE to dance and be silly, so either have a dance party or play Freeze Dance. To play, just put on an upbeat song. While the music is playing, the children dance. When you pause or stop the song they have to freeze. Technically, whoever keeps dancing after the music stops is out, but we modified it so that whoever had the silliest face on when the music stopped won. I didn't give out any prizes, but everyone laughed at the goofiness of the game.

Don't forget that you need to have a positive attitude, too. Kids get a lot of cues from adults. When they see that you're honestly trying to please them, they respond accordingly. Really, it's about the birthday child having fun, the cake, games, and favors. Children know that “party” means “fun” and they're prepared to have a good time.

What could have been a flat party, turned into one where the children were all begging to stay even longer (we wound up extending the festivities for another hour). Thank goodness, Hubby and I were able to relax and enjoy Lily's big day. And the biggest payoff – Lily had a blast!

Here are more tips on how to survive your own kid's birthday party.

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Have You Heard Of Lammily – A Healthily-Proportioned Doll

I was disgusted this week, when I learned of yet another female who wants to look like a manufactured doll. If you haven't heard, a 16-year old named Lolita Richi is having her 10 minutes of trashy fame by claiming that she looks like a doll naturally, without the use of cosmetic surgery. Her proportions, of course, are improbable and experts, who apparently have nothing better to do, are weighing in saying that her looks are not natural. According to eonline.com, the teen says “she wanted to look perfect and noted that all women should want that, too.”

The problem with looking like a doll is that it's NOT perfection, but someone else's idea of perfection. I'm not sure if that someone else is a designer or manufacturer, but it has become, to some degree, society's ideal. And we know the proportions of most dolls are unrealistic and unhealthy.  They suggest to girls that they, too, should do all they can do look "perfect."

 

That's why I was happy to learn of Lammily, a doll with “realistic” proportions. Her creator, graphic designer Nickolay Lamm, based her dimensions on averages of data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control (to learn more about the creation of Lammily, click on this article from The Atlantic).

As you can see, Lammily isn't super-skinny or sexy. Her boobs wouldn’t cause her to tip over in real life and it look as it she actually eats. Nor is she fat. She's healthy and natural looking, without the whorish make-up some of the dolls on the market sport (i.e. Bratz dolls, Monster High, etc.). Her wardrobe is pretty and contains pieces most girls would wear and we would let our daughters wear. Lammily looks fit yet fabulous. She's a great alternative to some of the current dolls on the market which have looks that are unattainable and, to some degree, not appropriate for their target audience.

Is she someone else's image of what a girl might want to look like?  Sure, but Lammily's motto, "average is beautiful" reminds girls that it's okay to be themselves and that they don't have to embrace society's image of perfection.  To learn more about Lammily, visit https://www.lammily.com.

If Lammily catches on, maybe there will be more girls who will see the beauty in being healthy and accept themselves for who they are, rather than take outlandish and unhealthy measures to attain unrealistic ideas of “perfection.” One can only hope. 

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Thank you for reading!