The Tricky Birthday Party Question: What Would YOU Do?

In the midst of planning my daughter's 10^th birthday party, which means going in to school to lead a craft, orchestrating a family luncheon, AND dealing with all the details to insure that Lily's actual party is a rousing success, I received this email this morning:

Dear Linda,

I hope all is well. Someone just asked me to carpool to Lily's party and I realized that Maggie never got an invite. I assume it was an oversight as the girls have been playing a lot at school. I know Maggie would be upset if she was not there as she enjoyed having Lily at her party in June.

Delilah

I paused in the midst of a gulp of coffee.

That email unearthed a lot of feelings:

1. Shock that someone would actually have the NERVE to question why her kid was potentially left off the guest list.
2. A little bit  of sadness that the kid would be hurt that she hadn't been invited.  Interestingly enough, since she wasn't even on Lily's first invitee list, apparently Lily doesn't consider Maggie a close friend.
3. The question of whether parties are, in fact, tit-for-tat endeavors.
   
   
   
   

I posed the question to a friend of mine. He took the “inclusion” line, as in, if you can't invite everyone, don't invite anyone at all. That seems silly, since there's no way in hell I can afford to invite EVERY kid that Lily knows from gymnastics, school, Sunday School, Student Council, etc. If I did that, my kid would never have a party. Inviting her entire class is silly since she doesn't like everyone in her class and, Maggie isn't even in Lily's class. 

Then I asked some friends. They unanimously JUMPED on the “too bad for Maggie – she's going to have to learn she doesn't get invited to EVERY event, won't get EVERY promotion, and will have to learn to deal with disappointment” soap box.  Interesting perspective.

Finally, I asked myself if I would ever send an email like that. 

The answer is “no.” Honestly, I would never have the gall to ask why my child wasn't invited to something!  If my child doesn't get invited to something, that saves me one more present to buy. Lily, in talking about it with her many times, understands that people don't get invited for LOTS of reasons including the fact that some people have family parties without friends invited, many of us have monetary constrains, and sometimes you're just not close friends with people you used to be tight with.

Delilah, being the savvy mom I know she is, is well aware that if you don't get an RSVP for an invitation, you call and/or email the parent for a follow-up. The fact that I didn't contact her told her that Maggie wasn't invited. 

Could I invite one more kid? Our venue set a base number of attendees at 20; if I go above that, the cost increases. Could we pull it off? Sure, but then it wouldn't be fair to all the OTHER kids we didn't invite.

So I took a deep breath and crafted the following response to Delilah:

Dear Delilah:

While Maggie is certainly a close, cherished friend of Lily's, due to a  limited budget, we were unable to invite her. I hope you understand and that the girls can continue to be friends.

Linda

Knowing Maggie and Lily, they'll continue to play together. If Maggie brings it up, Lily will explain that we just couldn't invite any more people.

I suspect that Delilah's email was prompted by her own sense that a wrong was committed and that she holds the “we invite you to a party, so you have to invite us” or tit-for-tat view of parties. And perhaps she doesn't want to deal with Maggie's disappointment at not being invited.

Bummer.  It's her issue not mine. 

Disappointment is a part of life that many parents are shielding their kids from. Lily has had to deal with it and now Maggie will be learning a life lesson. As for me, I'm going back to the hustle and bustle of my daughter's “birthday weekend.” 

What would you have done had you received an email like that? Please – let me know!

Worried Your Kid's Party Won't Go Well? Here's How To Make Sure It DOES!

What if my child's birthday party doesn't go well? What if it tanks?!

I was nervous about Lily's at-home birthday party this past Saturday. Of the 8 kids we'd invited, only three were scheduled to show up (with several people not RSVPing until the day before – SERIOUSLY people?! Show some consideration!). It was starting to look more like a playdate than a party. So what do you do when your child's birthday party could, potentially, fall apart? Here's what saved the day:

1. Have an agenda and back-up plans. With the party being in October and the uncertainty of the weather, we had an indoor itinerary and an outdoor one. I'd planned on the kids doing a craft, but the birthday girl nixed that idea at the last minute. Since the weather was nice, we opted for relay races, obstacle courses, and Lily even made up a few games herself.

2. Have extra food on hand.   Munching kids are busy, happy kids.  Based on the mid-afternoon time slot of the party, I'd vetoed the idea of pizza in favor of having just snacks and cake. Bad idea. Fortunately, I'd had the foresight to buy the ever-popular Bagel Bites on hand and when I saw the kids gorging on the Doritos, I whipped up a batch of those easily-microwaveable pizza bagels. They were a hit.
   
   
   
   
    

3. 

   My FAVORITE kid's game - for parties or playdates!

   In advance, PURCHASE THE GAME HULLABALOO! I bought it years ago, when my son was in preschool and am convinced that it's THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED FOR KIDS 9 and under! It's so simple that they can play it on their own, with friends of all ages. The game consists of different colored and shaped pads you place on the floor and a main “console” with one button that plays clear-cut instructions. You go from pad to pad; sometimes you dance on the pad, other times you contort into Twister-like positions or pretend you're playing a musical instrument, etc. The unit goes off if the kids haven't played it in a while. I used to carry it in my car because if the kids ever got bored at a relative's house or were on a playdate that they didn't get along with, I could whip it out. The game can be played indoors or out and it's tons of fun. Even the teen will play it with his sister. We brought Hullabaloo outdoors and the girls played it on the patio for at least 45 minutes.
   
   
   
   
   
4. Give the birthday kid some control. Lily, thank God, is an outgoing child who manufactures merriment when she's with people. She came up with variations on the races, threw some duct tape on the patio which the kids used as a balance beam, good naturedly mocked her own performance, and was having so much fun that it became infectious. Her out-of-the-box thinking and positive attitude really made the party enjoyable for all of her guests. 
   
   

   

   What would a kids' party be without music & dancing?

   
   
5. Make sure music is involved. Kids LOVE to dance and be silly, so either have a dance party or play Freeze Dance. To play, just put on an upbeat song. While the music is playing, the children dance. When you pause or stop the song they have to freeze. Technically, whoever keeps dancing after the music stops is out, but we modified it so that whoever had the silliest face on when the music stopped won. I didn't give out any prizes, but everyone laughed at the goofiness of the game.

Don't forget that you need to have a positive attitude, too. Kids get a lot of cues from adults. When they see that you're honestly trying to please them, they respond accordingly. Really, it's about the birthday child having fun, the cake, games, and favors. Children know that “party” means “fun” and they're prepared to have a good time.

What could have been a flat party, turned into one where the children were all begging to stay even longer (we wound up extending the festivities for another hour). Thank goodness, Hubby and I were able to relax and enjoy Lily's big day. And the biggest payoff – Lily had a blast!

Here are more tips on how to survive your own kid's birthday party.

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10 Ideas For Non-Candy Goody Bag Fillers

My daughter went to a birthday party and, as is often the case, came home with a small bag of candy. She was pleased while I was not. Between Easter and birthdays, how much candy does a kid really need? Sure, we give some to our local Food Bank, but every time she has a birthday, I brainstorm what to put in those goody bags instead of candy. Here's what I've come up with:

1. Lip gloss and Chapstick – All of the girls right now are very fond of Eos lip balms which look like balls, but are actually very good for chapped lips (I keep one in the car for myself).
   
2. Pens and pencils – Yes, you probably already have a bunch of them, but these things get lost pretty quickly, too. They're always handy to have around and you can always pilfer them from your kids for your purse.
   
3. Mini-notebooks and pens – Again, handy to have and great to pilfer for your pocket or pocketbook.
   
4. Hand sanitizer – My daughter uses this right after Gymnastics since the mats and such are usually filthy. Get one that clips to backpacks or gym bags and you'll make parents very happy.
   
5. Chalk – Tis the season for drawing outside. Chalk gets used up fairly quickly and my kids never seem to have enough, so I'm always grateful when I see this in a goody bag.
   
6. Post-Its – My kids love leaving sticky notes for themselves around the house. Post-Its are great for everyone.
   
7. Bubbles – One of those across-gender goody bag fillers which is great for keeping in the car for when your kids go to the park. I used to keep a few bottles in my purse to keep daughter amused whenever we went to Little League games to watch her brother.
   
8. Small packages of microwave popcorn – These are great for parents to include (popped, of course) in lunches. My kids LOVE popcorn!
   
9. Hair accessories and brushes – You can get some great compact able hair brushes at the Dollar Store and what little girl doesn't lose a ton of hair accessories – you can never have enough.
   
10. Small water bottles – Water is the essence of life, right? Enough said.
    

Most of the items above are fairly cheap and if you use brown paper bags as goody bags (let your kids decorate them with crayons and stickers), it cuts the cost even more. Remember: don't fall into the common practice of outdoing other parents at parties. Keep it simple and practical. Kids want A goody bag. Sometimes what's in it is secondary.

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The Lessons Of An American Girl Doll

Once there was a little girl who, for a long time, had wanted an American Girl Doll.  Yes, this is my little girl, Diva, and she's pretty typical, right?  At a certain age, lots of girls crave these mass-marketed dolls who not only have their own stores, but tony clothing, accessories, a hair salon, and even wheelchairs and hearing aids.

 

We, her parents, questioned her motivation.  Did she want one just because all of her friends did? Probably.  Or did she want one because of the series of American Girl Doll movies and books that had enthralled her over the last few years? Maybe.   Whatever the reason, our little one's longing had remained strong over the last three years.  Unfortunately, we and Santa (whom she did repeatedly ask) had been on budgets and American Girl Dolls retail for about $110 dollars; that's damn pricey for a toy!  Still, an American Girl doll remained at the top of Diva's Wish List.

This year, for her 8th birthday, we told her she could have one IF (and it was a big IF), she could stick to a budget as we planned her birthday party.  She and I had a long talk.  Our house is too small for more than a few kids, so we looked at the usual kids' party venues.   The big places (gymnastics locations, Build-A-Bear, various crafting studios) were way out of her price range; they average $500 and up.  We thought about some of the stuff we'd done over the summer; we'd been bowling quite a bit and Diva loved it.  Turns out, having a bowling party fit our budget nicely.  She did the math to see how many people she could invite while staying within our number and whittled down the attendee list on her own.  She explained to friends who were not included that as much as she wanted them there, Mom was limiting the number of guests (I'll take the hit - I don't care). 

Having met her goal of staying within budget, it finally came time to pick a doll.  She initially looked at the blond-haired, blue-eyed models she usually gravitates to, but after much consideration picked out one that surprised us.  The Chosen One has  black hair and dark chocolate-colored eyes.  And she is "Chinese" - just like my daughter!  This is significant for, you see, my Diva is adopted from China.  And while she is extremely proud of her heritage and we had gotten her Asian-looking dolls in the past, this was the first time that SHE chose one that looked like her.  Plus, this doll is a gymnast, just like our graceful Diva.  We heartily approved. 

Sunday morning, my radiant daughter and her Daddy boarded a train into the City to get the doll named Ivy.  The train left at 8:30am; my daughter was up at 5.  She was beaming all day, like a proud momma.  She introduced me to Ivy and showed me her silky black hair and almond-shaped eyes.  She made sure her new friend was securely buckled into the car for a short trip to the grocery store.  Diva is already planning to expand Ivy's wardrobe but knows she will have to save up for the extra clothes; we're exploring some of the discount doll clothes websites.

What, perhaps, started out as the desire for something that her peers have has morphed into so much more.  It's been a lesson in delaying gratification, earning what she wants through budgeting, and embracing her own appearance.  As we read the book that came with Ivy in which she "battles lonliness" and finds "solace in gymnastics," I'm looking forward to discussing some of these issues with my precious little girl.  This American Girl Doll could be the begining of a closer relationship with my daughter.  Or Ivy could wind up just another discarded toy on the shelf.  I have my hopes up, but only Time will tell.