Connecticut Kindergarten Form Asks Parents If They Had Vaginal Births Or C-Sections: Why Ask & Why Answer?!

Seizing my attention recently was this New York Times article which told of the Aiken Elementary School in West Hartford, Connecticut and one of the questions on its application for kindergarten: 

In the article, Cara Paiuk tells of her outrage that this question is asked. How intrusive!  How personal!  She followed up with school officials  as to why the question was asked.  They replied that they're looking for any signs of birth trauma so that if an administrator perceives any problems with the child (learning, behavioral), the nurse could pull up the kid's chart to look for clues to the problem. School officials were also surprised because apparently, Paiuk is the first person ever to challenge this question. 

As the mother of a biological child and one who was adopted, all I can say is, “Wow!” The NERVE of those administrators!

Sure, a physician is entitled to ask that question or, perhaps, a counselor, but THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM?! There are many factors that can contribute to behavioral problems and birth is only one. It is not for the schools to ask that, but medical and psychological professionals. 

Seriously? Are we 

THAT conditioned to filling out forms that 

we provide ALL the information asked, no matter how intrusive 

it is! 

Do we mindlessly fill out forms without thought as to why those questions are being asked, what will be done with the information provided, who will SEE that data (insurance companies, employers), and what the long-term ramifications of providing that information might be?!

I don't know what kind of birth my daughter had; there's no way to find out and, honestly, I don't care. Any mild issues that have occurred with her were a result of fatigue or just her normal stage of development that we had trouble dealing with.  No one ever asked or even questioned whether it was because she was adopted. We've dealt with who she is, not where she came from. 

It is not up to school administrators to diagnose on their own. Any behavioral problems, I feel, require a team effort with parents, guidance counselors, teachers, and medical/psychological professionals all weighing in. 

As for those school officials and anyone who doesn't see what the big deal is about the question, my gut feel is that no administration likes to have its feathers ruffled. It's easier to say, “it's always be there” or “we've always done that” than to change the system when someone points out a flaw. 

Hopefully, the publicity this issue has raised will prompt other schools (private, public, pre-school, etc.) to periodically LOOK at their forms to see if they make sense.

And let's remember that it's up to US to look at what we're filling out, what we're signing, what kind of information we're giving away and, sometimes, leave the line blank. 

Is 2015 The Chinese Year Of The Sheep Or Goat? Here's The Scoop!

As many of us prepare to celebrate the start of the Chinese New Year on February 19^th, the festival begins with a little confusion:

Should we be welcoming the Year Of The Sheep, as some believe, or The Year Of The Goat/Ram, as others are touting?

The answer?  It really depends on how the Chinese character, yang, is translated. 

The Chinese zodiac was invented by the Han people who raised goats (not sheep), so the image is more likely to refer to a goat. Also, the goat appears on many Chinese zodiac stamps and the goat was one of the 12 bronze statues on the zodiac at the Old Summer Palace where emperors of the Qing Dynasty handled government affairs. Publicly, however, storefronts throughout Asia are showing a mixture of cute sheep, cheeky goats, and majestic curly-horned rams. Many schools are primarily showing images of sheep because they're fluffy and more appealing to little kids. 

So what are the characteristics of those born in the Year Of The Sheep/Goat?

People born in this year are thought to be gentle, stable, and kind. They have strong creativity, are persistent, with strong inner resilience. These are folks who like to be in groups and are thought to come by professional skills easily. Because people born in this year are calm, they're thought to be healthier, with fewer health-related problems. 

Here are three of my favorite websites for kids that will teach them all about this holiday:

1.  ChinaFamilyAdventure

This site explains how to prepare for the New Year and shows celebrations around the world. It gives a great global perspective on the holiday (after all, it's celebrated by millions of people not only in China, but Japan, Singapore, North Korea, South Korea, the United States, and Great Britain to name a few). 

2.  ActivityVillage.Co.UK

Got a preschooler?  Then this is the place for you where you'll find lots of goat printables, including mazes, worksheets, and coloring pages.  

3.  EnchantedLearning.Com

In addition to having some wonderful crafts, you can find printable books here for kids!  There's so much and it's FREE! 

As the mother of a child who was adopted from China, I embrace her culture. I'm so happy that she is proud to be Chinese-American and feels a connection to her country of birth!  I've learned so much about resilience, beauty, and creativity by looking at different aspects of China and what it means, to her, to be Chinese.

 Xin [sing] Nian [nee-an] Kuai [kwai] Le [ler] 新年快乐!

What To Bring To A Gymnastics Meet

As regular readers of this blog know, my daughter competes in gymnastics. It's been a WONDERFUL experience for her on SO many levels. She's made new friends, learned all about nutrition, it's great exercise, and has given her fantastic lessons in winning, losing, and how to handle competition in general. In fact, we're getting ready for a meet this weekend.

In looking at the various resources on the web, I noticed that no one had compiled a list of what to bring to a meet. Never fear, I am here!

There's LOTS of stuff to bring to a gymnastics meet!

Here's a list of what you might want to bring with you when your child is competing in gymnastics:

For Your Child:

Competition Leotard

Competition Warm-Ups

An extra set of clothes if your child likes to change afterwards

Elastics and/or competition scrunchie (we have one that matches the leotards)

Water bottle

Hair pins

Snacks (meets are LONG)

Anything else that helps your gymnast relax such as a stuffed animal or Ipod)

Flower are a great reward for competing in a gymnastics meet!

Miscelleneous: 

Hair spray (for your daughter)

Aspirin (for you – these things are nerve wracking)
Needle & thread
Safety Pins

Bandaids

Coaches gifts (if you give them)

Snacks for you and the rest of the family

Water for you and the rest of the family

Flowers (for the gymnast and/or her friends – sometimes I bring chocolate instead)

Your camera (fully charged)

An extra battery for your phone (because it WILL fail just when you need it)

A pencil & notebook (for jotting down notes, scores, etc.)

Extra money (because these things are EXPENSIVE)

I also carry lavender oil which helps me relax and, on one or two occasions, has helped HER relax

If you've been to these meets, you know they take many hours. You live for those few seconds when your daughter competes.

Make a copy of this checklist and use it as a guideline as you tweak it to meet your family's needs. Oh, and if I've forgotten something, please let me know.

Thanks for reading my blog!!!  Please recommend it to your friends!  

Pack These 7 Halloween Necessities

Be ready before you go out on Halloween night!

As an experienced mom who's been trick-or-treating with her kids for 11 years now (my oldest is 14), I've had my share of Halloween “whoopsies.” What I mean is, I've forgotten to bring stuff that would have been helpful and had to rely on the kindness of the other moms I was with to help me out. So, allow me, dear reader, to spare you embarrassment and turmoil by reminding you to bring the following as you take your wee one(s) trick-or-treating:

1. Flashlights – Notice it's a plural. YOU will need a flashlight and each child will as well. Those light up wands other parents have may look cute and help you see your kid, but it won't help them as they navigate uneven pavement and dog poo. I bring an extra flashlight because my darling daughter has dropped hers and not realized it until she's several houses away; by that time, she wants to keep up with her friends and will have no part of going back to retrieve it.
   
   
2. An Extra Jacket Or Sweatshirt For Your Kid – Here, in the Northeast, it's dark and cold when we go out. 20 minutes into our journey, I can guarantee that my daughter will announce that she's cold. An extra jacket or sweatshirt comes in mighty handy.
   
   
3. Plastic Bags For Candy Overflow – People give out a lot of candy and those Halloween baskets get heavy. Your little one will be begging you to take some of it, so bring a plastic grocery bag to handle the overflow.
   
   

   

   Sometimes there's too much Halloween candy for kids to hold!

   
   
4. Water – Running from house to house is hard work. My daughter gets fluoridated water which I pretend will mitigate the damage the candy will be doing to her teeth. 
   
   
5. A Snack For You – The website www.savvysource.com lists among their Halloween essentials, “healthy snacks for the kids.” Seriously, do they think kids are going to choose string cheese over a bagful of candy?! Just so YOU'RE not tempted to dip into the till, bring an apple or low-fat granola bar for yourself.
   
   
6. Your Camera – Cellphones take nice pictures, but cameras take better ones. I use both for maximum coverage of Halloween.
   
   
7. Hand Sanitizer – My area's been hit hard by the Enterovirus. I'm not taking any chances with my child getting sick. I'm hauling Purell and making her use it. Alternatively, you could bring baby wipes.  

And don't forget to limit your time while you're out trick-or-treating. Halloween this year is on a Friday and after a full week of school, the kids are going to be TIRED. You don't want to wind up a mile or more from home only to hear a little voice implore, “Carry me!” We're out in the 'hood 90 minutes max. After that, Mommy gets cranky and Halloween-ed out.

Take it from a mom who has been around many blocks. Grab the items above before you head out on Halloween. You won't be sorry!

~~

Thanks for reading!  Check back in with me in a day or so when I list Halloween Rules to review with your child before they go out.  Without rules, there will be Halloween Anarchy...guaranteed! 

The 3-year, 20 Minute Journey To Bring My Baby Home

 

 Note:  I know I've told this story before, namely back in November of last year, but it's one of my FAVORITE memories, so I thought I'd write about it again.  Get the tissues ready...

 

The trip to the airport was one I'd made a 100 times before. As I got my 6-year old ready to get in the car, I glanced around the house. In two hours, our world would never be the same. Today was the culmination of three years of prayer, paperwork, and lot of money. It was something I never, in a million years had pictured myself doing. It was something I never thought I'd ever want. It involved a place I rarely gave thought to and an intense love for someone I'd never met.

Three years ago, after a tragic miscarriage, my husband and I made a choice: to forgo fertility treatments and, instead, adopt a child. We already had a wonderful little boy, but the family was incomplete. Junior needed a sibling and hubby and I needed a baby. After performing extensive research and meeting the charming adopted daughter of a friend, we decided that we wanted a little girl from China. But were we worthy and could we do it? The challenge was daunting. The mountain of paperwork was immense. We had to pass background checks from employers and every police department from every town we'd ever lived in. We asked friends and neighbors to write letters of recommendation. Every document submitted needed to be translated in Chinese by our local Chinese Consulate. And every signature had to be notarized and then the notary checked for validation. We had physicals, we were fingerprinted, and a social worker came for a home study during which she interviewed our son; at that interview, he broke our hearts when he told her, very simply, “I don't want to be an only child. I want my sister.” Every night, I prayed for our daughter, not knowing whether she was in another woman's tummy or whether she'd been born. And every Summer, as we made our yearly pilgrimage to the Shore, I'd look out at the ocean, knowing that far away, she was waiting to meet her Mommy. 

 "...I don't want to be an only child.  I want my sister."

We made the decision that my husband would travel to the Orient by himself. The trip was expensive and I'd never been away from my son – ever. The concept that Mommy was going away to bring back the sibling he wanted, but one who would take attention away from him and rock his world, was huge. Dave was a seasoned traveler, a man who had intense focus and could put his emotions on the back-burner in order to get something done. Plus, he was an experienced Dad – he knew how to how to change diapers, administer medication, and he was nurturing. And there was something to be said for parity – I'd brought Junior into the world after 27 hours of labor. This was his chance to bring a child into the family after two weeks abroad. Dave really was the best parent for the job.

On a fateful day in August, while we were at a waterpark in Maryland, I got the call. “Mrs. Klonsky, you have a daughter. She's 10 months old and is in foster care. We'll be emailing you her information later today.  Congratulations.” Dave and Junior were somewhere in the park, among thousands of gallons of water. I frantically searched for them, crying with joy. Finally, I found the and uttered the words I'd imagined speaking a thousand times, “You have a daughter and you have a sister.” We dashed back to the hotel where an email waited for us giving us her physical data which we were to take to our pediatrician who could tell us if she was healthy. Then, with bated breath, we opened the attachment containing her picture. She was so tiny! Her hair was clipped short and she looked very serious. She was beautiful. “I love you,” I whispered. “I've loved you my whole life.” 

"I love you," I whispered. "I've loved you my whole life."

We'd chosen the name Lily to replace her Chinese name, but kept one of her middle names, Yi, which means Spirit. As we received reports from her foster caregiver, we read between the lines: Lily was indeed, spirited, vocal, and we were relieved to find out, thriving. As I assembled the materials recommended by our adoption agency, I lovingly chose clothes based on the measurements the orphanage gave us (as it turns out, they estimated her size too small and my husband would up swapping clothes with other adoptive parents). We were allowed to send Lily Care Packages, so I made her a doll out of my favorite nightgown; it was soft and smelled like me. I hoped that, on some level, she would know it was from her Mommy.

Dave left on the day my son started 1^st grade. Junior was used to Daddy traveling and Mommy being home so this was no big deal for him. His world went on while my husband would begin the trip he'd eventually call Survivor Nanchang, after the Survivor television series. In the meantime, I put together Lily's crib and got her room ready. She was never out of my thoughts. Every night, I waited for the call from Dave who, after four days in China, met his daughter for the first time. I'll never forget the phone message he left, “She's small, she's cute, and she has a little cold. And she's beautiful.” He spent the next 10 days in various hotel rooms, submitting paperwork to Chinese officials, signing documents, getting Lily's birth certificate and visa. Finally, he began a brief state at the White Swan Hotel in Guangzhou, the city that houses the U.S. Consulate where all adoptive families stay before coming home. He nursed Lily through a nasty cold and took care of her through his own terrible bout with food poisoning.

She was even more beautiful, more radiant than I'd ever imagined.

Finally, on that amazing day in September, Junior and I stood in Newark Airport craving a glimpse of father and daughter. Junior held tightly onto the stroller we'd brought. Our excitement was palpable. At last, I caught a glimpse of my husband. He cradled a baby wearing an open, stained onesie and one sock. She clutched a bottle with Chinese writing on it. Dave handed her to me and, tears flowing, I whispered, “I'm your Mommy. I love you!” “Mei-mei, wo ai ni,” Junior said, which means, “Little Sister, I love you” in Mandarin. While father and son got reacquainted, I selfishly held my daughter, smelling her, stroking her, cherishing her little two-toothed smile. She was even more beautiful, more radiant than I had ever imagined. I tried to conceive what she was going through. EVERYTHING for her was was different – sights, sounds, smells. “Welcome home, Lily.” As it was for her, my world would never be the same.

Thank you for reading! 

How To Make A Voodoo Doll And Why I Let My 8-Year Old Make One

If you follow me on Twitter (and please do: https://twitter.com/IsItHotInHereMM), you know that recently, my 8-year old said she wanted to make a voodoo doll. She got the idea from some dumb ass Disney show. At first, I was a little concerned that she wanted to make one of ME (aka "She Who Yells A Lot"), but as it turned out, the victim is her brother. Whew! So why him? “Payback, Mom, payback,” she said. Among the list of his transgressions: 1) He tackled her the other day when they were wrestling 2) Last YEAR, he tackled her on the beach. She had her mouth open and wound up eating sand (Lesson: Always close your mouth when wrestling with your brother.). She's PISSED at him, big time. So I let her make the voodoo doll. Was I in my right mind? Yes, and here's why:

While voodoo dolls are associated with evil, they're actually meant to gain influence over whomever you're making the doll about. Diva is 8; her brother is almost 14. She weighs maybe 45 pounds; he's heavier and taller. She is jealous of him and the privileges he gets because of his age. If making a voodoo doll makes her feel better, I'm all for it. 

Here's how we made it:

1. We took an old shirt the Teen had outgrown. The doll is more “powerful” if you use a personal item from the victim.
2. I drew and made a template out of cardboard. I did it freehand, but free templates can be found here: http://www.allcrafts.net/dolls.htm.
3. She cut the material out using the template.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. Since Diva did not want to sew, we used a glue gun to glue the two pieces together, leaving a hole for stuffing.
5. This particular doll will not be washed, so I used part of a plastic grocery bag to stuff it; then she glued the hole shut.
   
   
   
   
   
6. She then used markers to color the doll so that it looks like her brother. Note the red sweatshirt that the kid wears, no matter what the weather. On 100 degree days, he STILL wears the shirt outside.
   
   
   
   
   

Diva was giddy at the prospect of having influence over her brother while he had decided, quite kindly, to play along with the premise of the doll. He was at a friend's house while the doll was being created, but my daughter still took great pleasure at making the doll do a split, stand on it's head, etc. When we went to pick Junior up, she asked if he'd done the split or felt anything weird. He answered that yes, he inexplicably HAD done a split and had had a headache just at the precise moment when she was playing with the doll. “MOMMY, IT WORKS,” she yelled.

Because I helped her make the doll, I explained that it won't work all the time, which gives us some wiggle room when she wants her brother to do things he just can't be bothered to do. When she finds out the truth, my explanation will be that I wanted to see her to see what a wonderful creation she was capable of making and that I just wanted her to have fun. My sense is that she's going to become bored with the doll pretty quickly. In fact, as I write this, neither she nor I know where the dang thing is.

It's hard enough being a little sister. If making a voodoo doll empowers her, makes her feel better, then I'm happy for my daughter. More power to her! 

~~

Please check back in with me soon!  Oh, and check out my boards on Pinterest at  http://www.pinterest.com/isithotinheremm.

10 Essential Adoption Books For Children And Adults

As someone who has been blessed by adoption, I've read a lot of books on the topic and read plenty to my kids.  Here are 10 of my favorites: 

My FAVORITE book about adoption! 

5 Adoption Books For Children:

• We Belong Together by Todd Parr – This is my very favorite book about adoption because it warmly describes the many ways families come together. The emphasis is on sharing a home and sharing love is what really makes a family a family. I especially love the fact that this book is full of colorful pictures showing multi-racial families. Written particularly for younger readers, I think it's a must-have for any adoptive family.
   
  
  
• A Mother For Choco by Keiko Kasza – Choco, a little bird, is looking for a loving parent. At first he looks for someone who resembles him, but in the course of meeting other “adoptees,” he realizes that physical similarity is immaterial: it's the love that a parent has for a child that matters. Again, written for young readers but it's appeal is across all ages.
  
  

• 

  A great adoption book for siblings

  Over The Moon: An Adoption Tale by Karen Katz – This dreamy, heartwarming book tells the magical tale of one couple's journey to their “forever and always” child. The beautiful folk art illustrations tugged at my heart as one showed the woman who had given birth but “could not take care of you” sending the baby off to loving people who could. Sniff! Sniff! For elementary-aged kids, it still made me cry.
  
  
• Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis – Told with gentle wit, this story of a little girl who, once again, wants to hear how she came home is perfect for reading while you cuddle and cradle your, again, elementary-school aged child.
  
  
• Just Add One Chinese Sister by Patricia McMahon and Conor Clarke McCarthy – This book is great for siblings as it tells the tale of a brother's journey with his parents to pick up his new sister from China.

And 5 Books For Adults:

• In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption: A Guide for Relatives and Friends by Elisabeth O'Toole –  I liked this easy-to-read, conversational book and I think it's essential reading for anyone touched by adoption. Among the topics covered: what it's like to be an adoptive family, how family/friends can support the newly-formed unit, what are appropriate things to ask and how, etc. Again, read it and then buy it for those in your support system.

• The Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming The Unforeseen Challenges Of Adoption by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson – Much has been heard about post-partum depression, but what happens when your adopted child comes home and it's not all rainbows and lollipops? What if the bonding isn't going as you'd dreamed or the child has special needs? This book, written by adoptive parents, addresses the issue of Post Adoption Stress Syndrome.

• Becoming A Family: Promoting Healthy Attachments With Your Adopted Child by Lark Eshleman – When I was going through the process, I heard horror stories about kids who hadn't bonded properly with their new parents (kind of like the Rosemary's Baby stories people told me when I was pregnant). This book gives effective strategies for ensuring that an adopted child adjusts as quickly and seamlessly as possible plus tells what can be done if bonding isn't going as well as it should. An important work which gives you hope if you think there's an attachment problem.

• Secret Thoughts Of An Adoptive Mom by Jana Wolff – This honest, often funny book addresses some of the thoughts I had before I met my daughter, including the biggie: What if she doesn't like me? Specifically geared toward the topic of interracial adoption.

• The Complete Book Of International Adoption: A Step-By-Step Guide To Finding Your Child by Dawn Davenport – This savvy book walks you through the process of adopting from another country. It also gives some interesting guidelines on how to choose a country and includes factors to consider (like the waiting times involved and the estimated costs for each of the top countries) with charts for easy comparison. I thought it was an easy, fascinating read.

If you had asked me twenty years ago whether I'd adopt a child, I would have said no.  Honestly, even during the early years of my marriage, I wasn't sure if I wanted kids.  Now I can't imagine my life without either child.


As for adoption, it brought me one of the most wonderful people I have ever known and I will always be grateful to our adoption agency, CCAI, and The People's Republic Of China for making my daughter's adoption possible. 

Thanks for reading!

Sometimes I Hide

I am on the floor of the bathroom. The door is locked and I am playing Word Weasel on my phone. I am hiding from the 8-year old. Despite having thousands of dollar worth of toys in her room, she is unable to play by herself. We had fun today, playing 20 games of Trouble (she won them all), drawing, reading, and playing at least eight games of Hullabaloo (the GREATEST kids' game ever invented!  Find out why below.). I'm tired. She's been needy today.  Despite my begging

her to play by herself, I'd finally had it. She worked my last nerve, so I took refuge in the only room with a lock – the bathroom.

Moments like this used to throw me when I had only one child. I used to retreat to the bathroom is a storm of frustration and tears, swearing that I was THE WORST MOTHER WHO EVER LIVED. Now, after 13 years of parenting, I understand that I am normal and I am sure there is at least one other mother going through the same thing at this very moment.

Parenting is fun and wonderful and bittersweet, with the growing realization that the kids will only be little once and will, someday, not need you. Today is not the day. Diva has not been able to spend one minute without me; she has also worn down the patience of her father, who is in his office paying bills and is not to be disturbed. She knows better than to pester her teenage brother who is on Skype with his friends. So, once again, she's after me.

“Moooooommmmmmy!” The wail comes from downstairs. My daughter is neither sick nor hurt. She is frustrated because I am not at her beck and call. The sound comes closer and closer (cue in the suspenseful horror movie music). I sigh; my peace is about to come to an end. “Mommy! Come out here!” she demands. I tell her no, Mom is in a time-out. “I need my space,” I tell her. Predictably, this is not received well. She's now yelling and banging on the door. The tantrum escalates. I hold my ground. I am NOT coming out.

Suddenly it gets quiet. I'm not worried. As I said, there are two other people in this house so if there really was a problem, she could easily go to them. A slip of paper touches my foot. “You are mean,” it says. Well, at least she's in touch with her feelings. “Write on it,” she demands. I will not engage. I hear her outside the door, scribbling on paper she has pilfered from Daddy's office. More paper comes under the door. I am expecting more declarations of anger, perhaps even an “I hate you” note. Instead, the paper reads, “I really, really, really, really” with an arrow indicating that I should flip the paper to the other side; the flip side reads “really, really love you.”

I know she does. I'm filled with happiness because she knows, without a doubt, that I love her, too. We've played this scenario out many times and I've reiterated that Mommy loves her; Mommy just needs time to herself. My daughter does not take it personally. She continues to scribble love notes to me, while I breathe and play my game by myself. In a moment, I'll come out. My self-imposed time out will be over and we'll go on to paint with water colors and get ready for school tomorrow.

Another Mommy Storm passes. I unlock the bathroom door, smile at my beautiful daughter who hugs me, and take her hand. The refugee is out and I know that I am indeed, just another, normal mom.

–

I mentioned the game Hullabaloo. I bought the game years ago, when my son was in preschool and am convinced, as I said above, that it's THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED FOR LITTLE KIDS! It's so simple that they can play it on their own, with friends of all ages. The game consists of different colored and shaped pads you place on the floor and a main “console” with one button that plays clear-cut instructions. Basically, you go from pad to pad; sometimes you dance on the pad, other times you contort into Twister-like positions or pretend you're playing a musical instrument, etc. The unit goes off if the kids haven't played it in a while. I used to carry it in my car because if the kids ever got bored at a relative's house or were on a playdate that they didn't get along with, I could whip it out. The game can be played indoors or out and I've even used it at parties. Today I found it in the closet and Diva, her teenage-brother, and I played it for at least an hour.

Listen up: if you have kids 9 or younger (preschool age), you MUST GET THIS GAME! It will save your sanity – trust me!

Our Daughter Comes Home (Plus Recommended Sites For Adoption Gifts)

(Note: This is Post #2 in my series celebrating National Adoption Month. In my 11/1/13 entry, I discussed how my family's journey to international adoption began and how we received the news about my precious daughter.)

Once we got the call announcing our new baby, the weeks leading up to the journey to China flew by. After much discussion, my husband and I had decided that that he would be the one to bring our daughter due to several factors. The trip promised to be a complicated journey involving travel to different, remote areas of China. It would involve a lot of paperwork and require intense concentration. We needed the parent with the clearest head, who would be least tainted by emotion, to meet with government officials and be where our adoption agency needed without fail. There was no doubt that in this matter, Dave was the more focused of the two of us. At the same time, he is very nurturing and, since he was now becoming a dad for the second time, experienced at taking care of a baby. Plus, since I had given birth and, in a way, brought our son into our world, this was his unique opportunity to bring a new family member home. He was excited and ready for action!


Back in 2006, “Survivor” was the big show on television; it involved contestants facing challenges in remote areas of the world. My husband, in hindsight, called his trip to China “Survivor Nanchang” since Nanchang is the capital of the province in China that my daughter is from. The trip proved as arduous as he had anticipated, even though he was accompanied by several other CCAI (our adoption agency) families and the wonderful CCAI staff. Despite appropriate precautions regarding food and water, most of the travelers got sick. Of all the parents on the trip, he was the only one who went alone and he really rose to this Herculean task . But if Dave was stressed, consider my daughter!

Her world had been thrown completely upside down. Gone were the sights and sounds of the orphanage she had spent most of her early life in. Gone was her crib mate and the female caretakers she had known for the first months of her life. Instead, here was a strange man who sounded, looked, smelled, and felt different from anyone she had ever met before taking care of her. I have no doubt that she was in a state of shock. My husband carried this poor, confused little 11-month old from appointment to appointment, from place to place (they went from the town she was born in, to Nanchang, to Guangzhou where the U.S. Consulate in China is based), from hotel room to hotel room, and onto several airplanes before landing in the United States. By the time the twosome landed, they were both physically and emotionally exhausted.


In stark contrast, Junior and I were giddy. We were about to meet the person we had thought about, DREAMED about for three long years! We had missed Daddy so much and couldn't wait to meet our new family member.


Finally, I saw them: my tired, unshaven husband, carrying my 11-month old daughter. My DAUGHTER! She was wide awake and oh, so tiny!  She was wearing an opened onsie which showed her diaper. One sock was hanging off her toes. She clutched the only possession she had in the world, a bottle of formula with Chinese writing on the side. As our eyes locked, an immediate connection was formed. I cried as I kissed her for the first time. “I love you,” I said. “I love you so much!” “Meimei, wo ai ni,” Junior said, which means “I love you” in Mandarin. As I gently placed her in the waiting stroller, my son pushed me away. He had waited a long time to meet his sister. “She's mine now,” he said as he steered her through the airport. Our family, finally, complete, headed home. 

Over the weeks that followed, I was in the unique position of asking my husband for mothering advice since he had taken care of my daughter and I was still learning what she liked and disliked.  He had explained how much music soothed her on the trip, so I had played music for her constantly. My husband had told me that her favorite food in China was rice congee, a porridge that was a staple of her diet, so I made it. Apparently I made it poorly because she picked up the little plastic bowl and threw it at me. I thought it was funny that she liked the orphanage food more than mine. No worries. I held her, kissed her, sang to her, and tried to make up for lost time as mother and daughter bonded in a deep way that proved that:


blood is irrelevant, because when it comes to parenting, it's the love you share that counts.


Did I ever, in my wildest dreams, anticipate adopting a little girl from across the globe? No, but then I had never really wanted children until I was in my late 30s. My children are miracles, with origins as unique as they are. What's the same is how much I love them. There is absolutely NO difference in the amount of love I have for my son and daughter. They are each wired into my heart and soul.

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Adoption is a wondrous thing that should be, must be celebrated! My son and I had been a part of a playgroup that I found through the group Mothers & More (www.mothersandmore.org) since my son had been one year old. I had started the group 40+ for mothers who were over 40 and experiencing motherhood for the first time.; those amazing women were my best friends and they welcomed my daughter by throwing our whole family a baby shower. The best gift I received from anyone was a child's chair, painted by one of the 40+ members, and signed by all of them. It was hand-printed with my daughter's birth date, place of birth, etc. It was a unique gift from the hearts of women who had waited with me and now loved my new daughter.


The other really cool gift we received was from the airline that carried our adoption travel group back to the United States. It's a Barbie doll with Barbie as a stewardess; she carries a baby doll which looks to be Asian and the box says, “Welcome Home.” I don't know if the airlines still give it out, but it's an unopened keepsake in our house.


Looking for a gift to celebrate adoption is the same as looking for a gift celebrating the arrival of any baby. The twist, if it's an international adoption, is that you might want to look for a gift celebrating the child's country of origin as well. I think just going to a local paint-your-own-pottery place and inscribing the child's place of birth, place of adoption, etc. is really cool. Nevertheless, here are some of my favorite sites for adoption gifts:

• www.chinacharm.org – The non-profit adoption agency that helped bring my daughter home, CCAI, runs this online gift shop and it has a beautiful assortment of unique gifts that are reasonably-priced. The merchandise includes CDs, Chinese musical instruments, home décor items, clothing, and games and toys. I cannot recommend this site enough!
  
• www.adoptiongiftsshop.com – Although the amount of merchandise is limited, this store has some really unique “fun” stuff like mugs, drinking glasses, and water bottles in addition to the standard bumper stickers, jewelry, etc. I especially like their items which read “Love is stronger than blood.”
  
• cafepress.com/adoptionworld – Within the CafePress shop, lies a department called Adoption World which sells products that have been designed, I believe, by a woman who adopted several girls from China. Her merchandise is adorable and features hard-to-find items for those parents who are waiting for word about their adoptions. I love the mugs showing an arrow pointing to the map of China which read “Born in China, growing in my heart, and loved around the world.” They also have some great products which celebrate National Adoption Month.
  
• www.amazon.com – Yeah, I know. What doesn't Amazon sell? I have to mention them here, because when I was looking for Asian baby dolls (I want my daughter to be proud of her uniqueness), this was one of the few sites that carried them. Amazon still has the largest assortment of Asian dolls I've ever seen.

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Thanks for visiting !  Join me, won't you?

Happy National Adoption Month!

See these babies:

They were all born in China in 2005. For some reason, their birth parents could not or chose not to keep them.  It could have been for any one of a number of reasons including:  the fact that they're all girls and girls are not valued in that society as much as boys; because their families were poor and couldn't support them; or because of China's infamous One-Child Policy which was in effect back then. Whatever the reason, these babies were found or taken to an orphanage and put up for adoption.

Back in the United States, they had families waiting for them. Families who had waited three LONG years to even see their pictures. Families who filled out mountains of paperwork and had endured exhaustive background checks.  These families never stopped thinking about their baby whom they'd never met. I know because one of the babies in this picture is my daughter. The babies above were part of two travel groups from the same adoption agency who eventually met up on the trip to bring their daughters home.


In honor of National Adoption Month, I'll be posting once a week on the topic of international adoption. It's gotten a lot of bad press lately because of cases where adoptive parents returned a child or abused a child. I don't know about that and I am, by no means, an expert in international adoption.  I am just one parent who knows that every one of the girls in the picture above found a family who loves them more than life itself. These were WANTED children and each of us would have done anything to bring our girls home.


To start off, here's my family's story:

My husband and I already had one child: a son. We desperately wanted another child to complete our family and so that our son would have a sibling. Domestic adoption within the United States was out because the laws governing birth parents are constantly changing here; while we sympathized with the many issues of birth parents, especially since we were the biological parents of our son, once we brought a baby home, we wanted that baby to be ours and not have to worry about someone showing up on our door in 5 or 10 years saying that she or he wanted the baby back. We chose to adopt from China because our research indicated that the babies from China were healthy. After extensive thought, soul-searching, and even more research, we signed the Intent To Adopt papers in 2002.


Now, adoption is not for the feint of heart. It's not something you do on a whim or because it's fashionable It's a LONG, complicated, expensive process in which you are thoroughly investigated to prove that you are worthy to bring another being into your family. At the center of it all is the dossier which is collected by the adoption agency; it takes about two years (?) to compile and contains letters of recommendation from family, tax and employment records, copies of your fingerprints, letters from the police department in virtually every town you've lived in attesting to your lack of a criminal record,
letters from doctors attesting to your physical and emotional health, as well as the results of a home study done by a social worker. Many of the forms submitted had to be notarized and validated by the Chinese Consulate over and over again. The adoption process is meticulous with every signature checked and re-checked to make sure everyone is who they say they are. If even the littlest detail had overlooked or the slightest mistake made, our adoption application could have been denied.


Let me mention here that our adoption agency was CCAI (http://www.ccaifamily.org/) which is run by Josh and Lily Zhong who are from China ; they started CCAI in 1992 to help bring children who had no families together with American families who would want them. Over the course of the three years it took to bring out daughter home, and even after she was here and we had to finalize the adoption, their team helped us in every way possible to make sure it would happen. There were many days I would call them, crying because I was so frustrated with how long the process was taking, and their staff would reassure me that everything was going as it should. In addition, CCAI's team proved invaluable when it was time to go to China to bring our baby home.


Compiling the dossier, in hindsight, was one of the easiest things we had to do. After we sent it to CCAI (they re-check it AGAIN), they sent it to the proper officials in China. Then came the hard part – the waiting. As an adoptive couple, you've put your heart and soul into that huge packet of paper that proves what you know to be true: you WILL love and cherish that new family member and will always be there for them no matter what.

I remember exactly where I was when I got the call. We were vacationing in a waterpark in Ocean City, Maryland, My husband and son had gone off to explore the park and I was sitting with my feet in a pool of water, my phone in a Ziploc bag to protect it, in my hands. The phone never left my side once the dossier was submitted because you never knew when you were going to hear something from CCAI. Anyway, it rang and the voice on the other line said, “Congratulations, Mrs. Klonsky. You have a beautiful baby girl!” The rep told me where my daughter was from, how old she was, and a little bit about her. I screamed and then explained to the startled strangers looking at me, “I have a daughter! I have a daughter!” Then I frantically ran around this massive waterpark looking for my husband and son. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
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In my next post celebrating National Adoption Day, I'll describe what happened next. Topics I also plan to cover are some of the best ways to celebrate a child's adoption along with recommended websites for adoption gifts and some of the interesting questions I've received as an adoptive parent. If you have any questions you'd like me to answer, please email using the Contact form at the end of this post.

Thank you for reading!

The Lessons Of An American Girl Doll

Once there was a little girl who, for a long time, had wanted an American Girl Doll.  Yes, this is my little girl, Diva, and she's pretty typical, right?  At a certain age, lots of girls crave these mass-marketed dolls who not only have their own stores, but tony clothing, accessories, a hair salon, and even wheelchairs and hearing aids.

 

We, her parents, questioned her motivation.  Did she want one just because all of her friends did? Probably.  Or did she want one because of the series of American Girl Doll movies and books that had enthralled her over the last few years? Maybe.   Whatever the reason, our little one's longing had remained strong over the last three years.  Unfortunately, we and Santa (whom she did repeatedly ask) had been on budgets and American Girl Dolls retail for about $110 dollars; that's damn pricey for a toy!  Still, an American Girl doll remained at the top of Diva's Wish List.

This year, for her 8th birthday, we told her she could have one IF (and it was a big IF), she could stick to a budget as we planned her birthday party.  She and I had a long talk.  Our house is too small for more than a few kids, so we looked at the usual kids' party venues.   The big places (gymnastics locations, Build-A-Bear, various crafting studios) were way out of her price range; they average $500 and up.  We thought about some of the stuff we'd done over the summer; we'd been bowling quite a bit and Diva loved it.  Turns out, having a bowling party fit our budget nicely.  She did the math to see how many people she could invite while staying within our number and whittled down the attendee list on her own.  She explained to friends who were not included that as much as she wanted them there, Mom was limiting the number of guests (I'll take the hit - I don't care). 

Having met her goal of staying within budget, it finally came time to pick a doll.  She initially looked at the blond-haired, blue-eyed models she usually gravitates to, but after much consideration picked out one that surprised us.  The Chosen One has  black hair and dark chocolate-colored eyes.  And she is "Chinese" - just like my daughter!  This is significant for, you see, my Diva is adopted from China.  And while she is extremely proud of her heritage and we had gotten her Asian-looking dolls in the past, this was the first time that SHE chose one that looked like her.  Plus, this doll is a gymnast, just like our graceful Diva.  We heartily approved. 

Sunday morning, my radiant daughter and her Daddy boarded a train into the City to get the doll named Ivy.  The train left at 8:30am; my daughter was up at 5.  She was beaming all day, like a proud momma.  She introduced me to Ivy and showed me her silky black hair and almond-shaped eyes.  She made sure her new friend was securely buckled into the car for a short trip to the grocery store.  Diva is already planning to expand Ivy's wardrobe but knows she will have to save up for the extra clothes; we're exploring some of the discount doll clothes websites.

What, perhaps, started out as the desire for something that her peers have has morphed into so much more.  It's been a lesson in delaying gratification, earning what she wants through budgeting, and embracing her own appearance.  As we read the book that came with Ivy in which she "battles lonliness" and finds "solace in gymnastics," I'm looking forward to discussing some of these issues with my precious little girl.  This American Girl Doll could be the begining of a closer relationship with my daughter.  Or Ivy could wind up just another discarded toy on the shelf.  I have my hopes up, but only Time will tell.