6 Ways To Celebrate Gotcha (or Family) Day

Nine years ago this week, I met my daughter for the first time when her dad brought her back from China (read our story here).

One of these girls is my daughter!!!

 

The day adoptive parents meet their new family members is often called Gotcha Day.

It's a celebration of a long journey that ended in love for all. Since my husband brought Lily home from China, we actually don't celebrate the day he met her; rather, we celebrate Family Day. That's the day my son and I met Lily for the first time at Newark Airport and it's the day our family came together for the first time. 

Whatever you call it, here are

6 Ways To Celebrate Gotcha (or Family) Day

 

My darling daughter

1. Go out for a special meal. We have our “usual” Chinese restaurant, but for Family Day, we go to the “fancier” one where you dress up and sit down.
   
   
2. Look at photographs. We have lots of photos of Lily when she was in China. It's wonderful to reminisce with her about her journey here and how long and hard the wait was for all of us.  Also, I tell her how VERY MUCH she was wanted and how she was in my heart long before I met her.
   
   
3. Talk about how many ways there are to become a family and how families come in all shapes and sizes.   I love the book We Belong Together by Todd Parr; even though it's for little kids, it's so full of love!  We'll be reading it this week.  (For more of my favorite books on adoption, click here.)
   
   
4. Spend some special alone time with your child, especially if there are siblings involved. Going for a simple walk, with the cellphone turned off, is a great way to reinforce the bond with your child.
   
   
5. Write letters to each other. Letters are a great way to celebrate. You can write them now and open them in 5 or 10 years.
   
   
6. Talk about family traditions and how the child's presence had an influence on them. Each family forms its own traditions and the addition of a family member offers the opportunity to create new ones.  For example, we never celebrated the Chinese New Year until my daughter came into the family. 

Lily (whom I used to call Diva in my blog until she asked that I change it) has been one of the greatest blessings of my life; the other blessing is her brother. I couldn't ever foresee myself adopting and now, I can't imagine my life without her!

If adoption has touched your family and you're looking for ways to celebrate Gotcha Day or Family Day, give the suggestions above a try. 

Connecticut Kindergarten Form Asks Parents If They Had Vaginal Births Or C-Sections: Why Ask & Why Answer?!

Seizing my attention recently was this New York Times article which told of the Aiken Elementary School in West Hartford, Connecticut and one of the questions on its application for kindergarten: 

In the article, Cara Paiuk tells of her outrage that this question is asked. How intrusive!  How personal!  She followed up with school officials  as to why the question was asked.  They replied that they're looking for any signs of birth trauma so that if an administrator perceives any problems with the child (learning, behavioral), the nurse could pull up the kid's chart to look for clues to the problem. School officials were also surprised because apparently, Paiuk is the first person ever to challenge this question. 

As the mother of a biological child and one who was adopted, all I can say is, “Wow!” The NERVE of those administrators!

Sure, a physician is entitled to ask that question or, perhaps, a counselor, but THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM?! There are many factors that can contribute to behavioral problems and birth is only one. It is not for the schools to ask that, but medical and psychological professionals. 

Seriously? Are we 

THAT conditioned to filling out forms that 

we provide ALL the information asked, no matter how intrusive 

it is! 

Do we mindlessly fill out forms without thought as to why those questions are being asked, what will be done with the information provided, who will SEE that data (insurance companies, employers), and what the long-term ramifications of providing that information might be?!

I don't know what kind of birth my daughter had; there's no way to find out and, honestly, I don't care. Any mild issues that have occurred with her were a result of fatigue or just her normal stage of development that we had trouble dealing with.  No one ever asked or even questioned whether it was because she was adopted. We've dealt with who she is, not where she came from. 

It is not up to school administrators to diagnose on their own. Any behavioral problems, I feel, require a team effort with parents, guidance counselors, teachers, and medical/psychological professionals all weighing in. 

As for those school officials and anyone who doesn't see what the big deal is about the question, my gut feel is that no administration likes to have its feathers ruffled. It's easier to say, “it's always be there” or “we've always done that” than to change the system when someone points out a flaw. 

Hopefully, the publicity this issue has raised will prompt other schools (private, public, pre-school, etc.) to periodically LOOK at their forms to see if they make sense.

And let's remember that it's up to US to look at what we're filling out, what we're signing, what kind of information we're giving away and, sometimes, leave the line blank. 

Adoptive Parents: How Would YOU Have Handled This?

“Mom, Mrs. Craftson wants to talk to you.” As my child announced this upon dismissal from school, I was a little nervous. Mrs. Craftson NEVER wants to talk to me. Turns out, I need not have worried. 

“We're going to be discussing immigration and having Immigration Day next week. How do you want me to handle it?” 

She asked me that because my daughter is adopted and the teacher was showing sensitivity to Diva's background. Still, it caught me off guard.

Since my daughter is Chinese and the rest of the family is not, it is readily apparent that she is adopted. She and I have given school presentations on it over the years, enlightening students as to what adoption is and answering any questions the children might have. Diva is proud of her Chinese heritage and readily talks about her background. After thinking for a moment, here was my response to Mrs. Craftson's question:

“When you're discussing immigration and family trees, please mention that families come together in many ways, so immigration is about your family's background, no matter how your family was formed.”

Diva came home a few days later and asked what her heritage is, besides being Chinese. That started a wonderful conversation about my background and that of my husband. When she needed to dress like an immigrant, she chose to be someone from Italy because, she said, “That's where our family's ancestors came from.”

 

It wasn't that she'd forgotten her background; rather, she was embracing our entire family's origins. 

Blood may determine genetics, but I don't believe it determines who is in your family.  So many of my friends are FAMILY to me.  Diva belongs to me, no matter how she came to be mine. 

Every once in a while I, as the parent of an adopted child, get thrown a curve ball, something that parents of biological parents to not experience (I know because I also have a biological child). I've found that tackling the question head on, and emphasizing that families DO come together in many ways is the best way to handle heritage questions. Adoption is an amazing way to grow a family and I'm delighted that the educators I've met thus far are sensitive to the feelings of adopted children. 

So, do you think I handled this correctly?  If not, what would you have done?

Just Another Reason NOT To Post Photos Of Your Kids On Social Media

I've written before on The Geek Parent (where this article first appeared)  about how parents should never post pictures of their kids on Facebook (read that article here and The Washington Post also has this great article on why this should be on your social media list of “no-nos"). But it goes further than just Facebook. Another issue, this time shedding light on Instagram, has been discovered:

THE PRACTICE OF ROLE-PLAYING WITH PHOTOS OF CHILDREN THAT ARE STOLEN FROM SOCIAL MEDIA SITES

Here's how it works:

Social media users, many of them teenage girls, steal images of babies and kids off the Internet (primarily off Instagram), give the children new names and claim that the kids are theirs. Others comment on the photo as the new “parent” gives details of the child's life with some obsessing over breast-feeding and potty training. Individuals even pretend to be virtual adoption agencies where prospective “parents” can request babies and kids they'd like to adopt (for example, “I'm looking for a little 5-year boy, with olive skin who is of slight build and is feisty.”). The fake adoption agency then finds the person a photo, without the permission of the child's real parents.

SOME DEVIANT ROLE-PLAYERS INDULGE IN FANTASIES ABOUT PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL ABUSE

Sure, many of the comments on the photos are innocuous (“Aww, how cute!”), however, some of the role-players are downright disturbing. The website EssentialBaby.com reported that one Canadian mother found pictures of her baby in a role-playing game and comments were about how the child looked “ugly and disabled.” It gets worse. Some deviant role-players indulge in fantasies about physical and sexual abuse.

So think your photos are safe because of your security settings? Think again. Most IT security people agree that there's only one way to truly ensure that your Internet content stays safe: don't put it out there in the the first place!

THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE SURE YOUR PHOTOS ARE SAFE IS TO NOT UPLOAD THEM TO THE INTERNET IN THE FIRST PLACE

To read more about the practice of role-playing with stolen baby photos, read this article from FastCompany.com which also gives Instagram's response to this truly creepy practice.

~~~

 
Note:  The Geek Parent's Editor, Kat Mahoney, left a fascinating comment to my article:

"On a side note, there are also safer ways you can post photos of your children without feeling like the whole world is watching. First and foremost is that you can have a private account, which does not allow any followers or viewers unless you approve. This is for any social media network. I have many friends in the security industry that work at Microsoft and if someone is smart enough to hack into your account via private settings, they aren’t interested in your children, they are more interested in bank accounts, loans, and credit fraud. Also, it is wise to talk to your kids about social media and posting photos. For instance, I have control of my kids accounts and they are not public. They share it amongst their friends. - All in all, it is wise to be safe, but you can’t stop your kids from socializing forever in this new generation and the best way is to teach them and to teach them is to talk to them and lead by example. If a parent can’t do that, then their kids will, if they are not already, smarter than them in the coming technological era."

She brings up some interesting points, however, I can't imagine how truly violated and ashamed I'd feel if someone stole my kids' photos and used them for deviant purposes.  I would guess that my children, too, would feel disgusted and embarrassed by those pics as well.  Granted, you can't fully control how others will use photos of your children, but if I can do anything to grant my kids some photographic privacy (never mind that I blog about them without using their real names), I will take those measures even if it means that friends and family can't see those photos online.  

Parents, obviously, the choice is yours.

Thank you for reading!

The 3-year, 20 Minute Journey To Bring My Baby Home

 

 Note:  I know I've told this story before, namely back in November of last year, but it's one of my FAVORITE memories, so I thought I'd write about it again.  Get the tissues ready...

 

The trip to the airport was one I'd made a 100 times before. As I got my 6-year old ready to get in the car, I glanced around the house. In two hours, our world would never be the same. Today was the culmination of three years of prayer, paperwork, and lot of money. It was something I never, in a million years had pictured myself doing. It was something I never thought I'd ever want. It involved a place I rarely gave thought to and an intense love for someone I'd never met.

Three years ago, after a tragic miscarriage, my husband and I made a choice: to forgo fertility treatments and, instead, adopt a child. We already had a wonderful little boy, but the family was incomplete. Junior needed a sibling and hubby and I needed a baby. After performing extensive research and meeting the charming adopted daughter of a friend, we decided that we wanted a little girl from China. But were we worthy and could we do it? The challenge was daunting. The mountain of paperwork was immense. We had to pass background checks from employers and every police department from every town we'd ever lived in. We asked friends and neighbors to write letters of recommendation. Every document submitted needed to be translated in Chinese by our local Chinese Consulate. And every signature had to be notarized and then the notary checked for validation. We had physicals, we were fingerprinted, and a social worker came for a home study during which she interviewed our son; at that interview, he broke our hearts when he told her, very simply, “I don't want to be an only child. I want my sister.” Every night, I prayed for our daughter, not knowing whether she was in another woman's tummy or whether she'd been born. And every Summer, as we made our yearly pilgrimage to the Shore, I'd look out at the ocean, knowing that far away, she was waiting to meet her Mommy. 

 "...I don't want to be an only child.  I want my sister."

We made the decision that my husband would travel to the Orient by himself. The trip was expensive and I'd never been away from my son – ever. The concept that Mommy was going away to bring back the sibling he wanted, but one who would take attention away from him and rock his world, was huge. Dave was a seasoned traveler, a man who had intense focus and could put his emotions on the back-burner in order to get something done. Plus, he was an experienced Dad – he knew how to how to change diapers, administer medication, and he was nurturing. And there was something to be said for parity – I'd brought Junior into the world after 27 hours of labor. This was his chance to bring a child into the family after two weeks abroad. Dave really was the best parent for the job.

On a fateful day in August, while we were at a waterpark in Maryland, I got the call. “Mrs. Klonsky, you have a daughter. She's 10 months old and is in foster care. We'll be emailing you her information later today.  Congratulations.” Dave and Junior were somewhere in the park, among thousands of gallons of water. I frantically searched for them, crying with joy. Finally, I found the and uttered the words I'd imagined speaking a thousand times, “You have a daughter and you have a sister.” We dashed back to the hotel where an email waited for us giving us her physical data which we were to take to our pediatrician who could tell us if she was healthy. Then, with bated breath, we opened the attachment containing her picture. She was so tiny! Her hair was clipped short and she looked very serious. She was beautiful. “I love you,” I whispered. “I've loved you my whole life.” 

"I love you," I whispered. "I've loved you my whole life."

We'd chosen the name Lily to replace her Chinese name, but kept one of her middle names, Yi, which means Spirit. As we received reports from her foster caregiver, we read between the lines: Lily was indeed, spirited, vocal, and we were relieved to find out, thriving. As I assembled the materials recommended by our adoption agency, I lovingly chose clothes based on the measurements the orphanage gave us (as it turns out, they estimated her size too small and my husband would up swapping clothes with other adoptive parents). We were allowed to send Lily Care Packages, so I made her a doll out of my favorite nightgown; it was soft and smelled like me. I hoped that, on some level, she would know it was from her Mommy.

Dave left on the day my son started 1^st grade. Junior was used to Daddy traveling and Mommy being home so this was no big deal for him. His world went on while my husband would begin the trip he'd eventually call Survivor Nanchang, after the Survivor television series. In the meantime, I put together Lily's crib and got her room ready. She was never out of my thoughts. Every night, I waited for the call from Dave who, after four days in China, met his daughter for the first time. I'll never forget the phone message he left, “She's small, she's cute, and she has a little cold. And she's beautiful.” He spent the next 10 days in various hotel rooms, submitting paperwork to Chinese officials, signing documents, getting Lily's birth certificate and visa. Finally, he began a brief state at the White Swan Hotel in Guangzhou, the city that houses the U.S. Consulate where all adoptive families stay before coming home. He nursed Lily through a nasty cold and took care of her through his own terrible bout with food poisoning.

She was even more beautiful, more radiant than I'd ever imagined.

Finally, on that amazing day in September, Junior and I stood in Newark Airport craving a glimpse of father and daughter. Junior held tightly onto the stroller we'd brought. Our excitement was palpable. At last, I caught a glimpse of my husband. He cradled a baby wearing an open, stained onesie and one sock. She clutched a bottle with Chinese writing on it. Dave handed her to me and, tears flowing, I whispered, “I'm your Mommy. I love you!” “Mei-mei, wo ai ni,” Junior said, which means, “Little Sister, I love you” in Mandarin. While father and son got reacquainted, I selfishly held my daughter, smelling her, stroking her, cherishing her little two-toothed smile. She was even more beautiful, more radiant than I had ever imagined. I tried to conceive what she was going through. EVERYTHING for her was was different – sights, sounds, smells. “Welcome home, Lily.” As it was for her, my world would never be the same.

Thank you for reading! 

10 Essential Adoption Books For Children And Adults

As someone who has been blessed by adoption, I've read a lot of books on the topic and read plenty to my kids.  Here are 10 of my favorites: 

My FAVORITE book about adoption! 

5 Adoption Books For Children:

• We Belong Together by Todd Parr – This is my very favorite book about adoption because it warmly describes the many ways families come together. The emphasis is on sharing a home and sharing love is what really makes a family a family. I especially love the fact that this book is full of colorful pictures showing multi-racial families. Written particularly for younger readers, I think it's a must-have for any adoptive family.
   
  
  
• A Mother For Choco by Keiko Kasza – Choco, a little bird, is looking for a loving parent. At first he looks for someone who resembles him, but in the course of meeting other “adoptees,” he realizes that physical similarity is immaterial: it's the love that a parent has for a child that matters. Again, written for young readers but it's appeal is across all ages.
  
  

• 

  A great adoption book for siblings

  Over The Moon: An Adoption Tale by Karen Katz – This dreamy, heartwarming book tells the magical tale of one couple's journey to their “forever and always” child. The beautiful folk art illustrations tugged at my heart as one showed the woman who had given birth but “could not take care of you” sending the baby off to loving people who could. Sniff! Sniff! For elementary-aged kids, it still made me cry.
  
  
• Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis – Told with gentle wit, this story of a little girl who, once again, wants to hear how she came home is perfect for reading while you cuddle and cradle your, again, elementary-school aged child.
  
  
• Just Add One Chinese Sister by Patricia McMahon and Conor Clarke McCarthy – This book is great for siblings as it tells the tale of a brother's journey with his parents to pick up his new sister from China.

And 5 Books For Adults:

• In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption: A Guide for Relatives and Friends by Elisabeth O'Toole –  I liked this easy-to-read, conversational book and I think it's essential reading for anyone touched by adoption. Among the topics covered: what it's like to be an adoptive family, how family/friends can support the newly-formed unit, what are appropriate things to ask and how, etc. Again, read it and then buy it for those in your support system.

• The Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming The Unforeseen Challenges Of Adoption by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson – Much has been heard about post-partum depression, but what happens when your adopted child comes home and it's not all rainbows and lollipops? What if the bonding isn't going as you'd dreamed or the child has special needs? This book, written by adoptive parents, addresses the issue of Post Adoption Stress Syndrome.

• Becoming A Family: Promoting Healthy Attachments With Your Adopted Child by Lark Eshleman – When I was going through the process, I heard horror stories about kids who hadn't bonded properly with their new parents (kind of like the Rosemary's Baby stories people told me when I was pregnant). This book gives effective strategies for ensuring that an adopted child adjusts as quickly and seamlessly as possible plus tells what can be done if bonding isn't going as well as it should. An important work which gives you hope if you think there's an attachment problem.

• Secret Thoughts Of An Adoptive Mom by Jana Wolff – This honest, often funny book addresses some of the thoughts I had before I met my daughter, including the biggie: What if she doesn't like me? Specifically geared toward the topic of interracial adoption.

• The Complete Book Of International Adoption: A Step-By-Step Guide To Finding Your Child by Dawn Davenport – This savvy book walks you through the process of adopting from another country. It also gives some interesting guidelines on how to choose a country and includes factors to consider (like the waiting times involved and the estimated costs for each of the top countries) with charts for easy comparison. I thought it was an easy, fascinating read.

If you had asked me twenty years ago whether I'd adopt a child, I would have said no.  Honestly, even during the early years of my marriage, I wasn't sure if I wanted kids.  Now I can't imagine my life without either child.


As for adoption, it brought me one of the most wonderful people I have ever known and I will always be grateful to our adoption agency, CCAI, and The People's Republic Of China for making my daughter's adoption possible. 

Thanks for reading!

Ah, The Stupid Things People Say

(Note: This is Post #3 in my series celebrating National Adoption Month. In my 11/1/13 entry, I

The doll I made & sent to my baby in China.  She thinks it's creepy.

discussed how my family's journey to international adoption began and how we received the news about our precious daughter. On 11/8/13, I described the amazing day our daughter came home and recommended sites for adoption gifts.)


People don't always say the smartest things; sadly, they may not even realize how flagrantly asinine what they're saying is or how intrusive they're being. Once my amazing daughter was home, I became acutely aware of the ignorance spouting from people's lips, especially as it pertained to her. Fortunately, I don't carry a 2'x4', otherwise, those people would have been flattened instantly.


As promised, here are some of those comments and questions. Note: Most of the things you're about to read have come from a family member who has absolutely no clue as to how rude her comments were and, even after we pointed them out, disagreed that they were inappropriate. As I said, some people just don't get it.

• “Who's her real mother?” - I am. There's a perception that only the person who actually gave birth to a baby is the child's actual mother, but that's just not so. There are plenty of women who pop out a child who have no interest in either keeping it or taking care of it; there are some who treat their children, no matter where they came from, poorly. A mother, or a mother figure, is the female who raises you is there for you, day and night, no matter what. She is a woman who wants you and loves you completely. Yes, someone else gave birth to my daughter, but I am her mother. Plain and simple.
  
• “Of course she likes Chinese food. It's in her blood.” - This was said after we described how my baby enjoyed her first visit to a local Chinatown. I didn't realize that just because you're a native of a certain country, you're wired to enjoy that culture's food (yes, this is sarcastic).
  
• “She's going to be very good at math.” - Ah, yes, the stereotypes. They cause me to roll my eyes and practice my Lamaze breathing. If my daughter is bright, it's because she's innately intelligent and, hopefully, we're cultivating that intelligence. Being Chinese has nothing to do with it.
  
• “She's a china doll.” - I take less offense to this generalization, but still don't like it. If you know my little Fireball (her nickname for herself), you know she may look delicate on the outside, but inside she's the most determined, fiery child on the planet.
  
• “How much did she cost?” - Yep, a total stranger asked me this one day when I was sitting on a park bench watching my daughter play. I was, at first, speechless; thank God I do not carry the aforementioned 2'x4'. I thought about walking away, but instead bit my tongue and patiently explained to the Neanderthal that my child is adopted, not purchased. Yes, there are fees inherent in the adoption process just as one pays medical bills when one is pregnant and gives birth. Monies paid go to ensure that the adoptive parents are worthy of a child and can provide for it.
  
• “You're a saint for adopting a child.” - Thanks, but I'm not. My husband and I wanted a child. We had one. Simple.

As I've said before, I have two children and there's no disparity in the love I have for each of them. Yet, when I look at them I do see differences, but not because of the way they look. It's because each has individual strengths and is beautiful in his/her own way. They have their own mannerisms and expressions. Each is his/her own person. I do not consider how they look, just who they are. I am thankful for each of them every day. It is only online that I sometimes distinguish that one is biological and one is adopted. Why?


Because I want to encourage people to ask questions, especially if they're considering adding to their family. I want people stop thinking that love is automatically linked to bloodlines. I want people to consider adoption as a realistic option for building a family.


Adopting through our agency, CCAI, introduced us to a large group of people I am extremely grateful for. Our adoption group still communicates through Facebook and holiday cards, and a few years ago, we met with 10 of those families for a reunion at a resort in South Carolina. That vacation of a lifetime allowed my daughter to see friends she'd known before she met me and, since I didn't make that trip to the Far East, permitted me to meet some of those parents. What an amazing, joyful trip!


We also see two of those families who live within driving distance every year. It's important for my kids to see bi-racial families like us and it always strikes me how alike our girls are. We have some incredible people in our life thanks to adoption.


I asked my daughter the other day what she thinks of adoption. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “people think I'm special.” We talked about the fact that she is, not because of where she came from but because of who she is. She told me about other kids she knows who are adopted and asked when we're going to see her CCAI “sisters” again. We looked at her baby pictures and she recounted stories we've told her over the years of some of her infant antics. Then she snuggled into me. “MY mommy,” she whispered.


Yes, my love, I am your mommy. People may not say the smartest things, but we know the truth. How we came together doesn't matter. Our hearts are joined together as only a mother and child can be.


–


Here are some really cool websites that will help you or someone you know talk intelligently about adoption without, hopefully, offending anyone:


Parents Magazine has this wonderful adoption primer entitled 10 Questions Not To Ask Adoptive Parents (http://www.parents.com/parenting/adoption/parenting/10-questions-not-to-ask-adoptive-parents.


“What Not To Say To An Adoptive Mom” (http://mom.me/parenting/109-10-things-not-to-say-to-an-adoptive-parent) appears on the website mom.me. This article, written by Vanessa McCrady, is terrific and generated some interesting comments.


“What Not To Say To Adoptive Parents” (http://www.iamnotthebabysitter.com/what-not-to-say-to-adoptive-parents) appears on this website written by a parent in a transracial family. The funniest thing I find about being in a transracial family is that I forget the family is transracial! 


–

In my next post celebrating National Adoption Month, I'll review some of the adult and children's books I've read about adoption. Please join me again, won't you?

Our Daughter Comes Home (Plus Recommended Sites For Adoption Gifts)

(Note: This is Post #2 in my series celebrating National Adoption Month. In my 11/1/13 entry, I discussed how my family's journey to international adoption began and how we received the news about my precious daughter.)

Once we got the call announcing our new baby, the weeks leading up to the journey to China flew by. After much discussion, my husband and I had decided that that he would be the one to bring our daughter due to several factors. The trip promised to be a complicated journey involving travel to different, remote areas of China. It would involve a lot of paperwork and require intense concentration. We needed the parent with the clearest head, who would be least tainted by emotion, to meet with government officials and be where our adoption agency needed without fail. There was no doubt that in this matter, Dave was the more focused of the two of us. At the same time, he is very nurturing and, since he was now becoming a dad for the second time, experienced at taking care of a baby. Plus, since I had given birth and, in a way, brought our son into our world, this was his unique opportunity to bring a new family member home. He was excited and ready for action!


Back in 2006, “Survivor” was the big show on television; it involved contestants facing challenges in remote areas of the world. My husband, in hindsight, called his trip to China “Survivor Nanchang” since Nanchang is the capital of the province in China that my daughter is from. The trip proved as arduous as he had anticipated, even though he was accompanied by several other CCAI (our adoption agency) families and the wonderful CCAI staff. Despite appropriate precautions regarding food and water, most of the travelers got sick. Of all the parents on the trip, he was the only one who went alone and he really rose to this Herculean task . But if Dave was stressed, consider my daughter!

Her world had been thrown completely upside down. Gone were the sights and sounds of the orphanage she had spent most of her early life in. Gone was her crib mate and the female caretakers she had known for the first months of her life. Instead, here was a strange man who sounded, looked, smelled, and felt different from anyone she had ever met before taking care of her. I have no doubt that she was in a state of shock. My husband carried this poor, confused little 11-month old from appointment to appointment, from place to place (they went from the town she was born in, to Nanchang, to Guangzhou where the U.S. Consulate in China is based), from hotel room to hotel room, and onto several airplanes before landing in the United States. By the time the twosome landed, they were both physically and emotionally exhausted.


In stark contrast, Junior and I were giddy. We were about to meet the person we had thought about, DREAMED about for three long years! We had missed Daddy so much and couldn't wait to meet our new family member.


Finally, I saw them: my tired, unshaven husband, carrying my 11-month old daughter. My DAUGHTER! She was wide awake and oh, so tiny!  She was wearing an opened onsie which showed her diaper. One sock was hanging off her toes. She clutched the only possession she had in the world, a bottle of formula with Chinese writing on the side. As our eyes locked, an immediate connection was formed. I cried as I kissed her for the first time. “I love you,” I said. “I love you so much!” “Meimei, wo ai ni,” Junior said, which means “I love you” in Mandarin. As I gently placed her in the waiting stroller, my son pushed me away. He had waited a long time to meet his sister. “She's mine now,” he said as he steered her through the airport. Our family, finally, complete, headed home. 

Over the weeks that followed, I was in the unique position of asking my husband for mothering advice since he had taken care of my daughter and I was still learning what she liked and disliked.  He had explained how much music soothed her on the trip, so I had played music for her constantly. My husband had told me that her favorite food in China was rice congee, a porridge that was a staple of her diet, so I made it. Apparently I made it poorly because she picked up the little plastic bowl and threw it at me. I thought it was funny that she liked the orphanage food more than mine. No worries. I held her, kissed her, sang to her, and tried to make up for lost time as mother and daughter bonded in a deep way that proved that:


blood is irrelevant, because when it comes to parenting, it's the love you share that counts.


Did I ever, in my wildest dreams, anticipate adopting a little girl from across the globe? No, but then I had never really wanted children until I was in my late 30s. My children are miracles, with origins as unique as they are. What's the same is how much I love them. There is absolutely NO difference in the amount of love I have for my son and daughter. They are each wired into my heart and soul.

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Adoption is a wondrous thing that should be, must be celebrated! My son and I had been a part of a playgroup that I found through the group Mothers & More (www.mothersandmore.org) since my son had been one year old. I had started the group 40+ for mothers who were over 40 and experiencing motherhood for the first time.; those amazing women were my best friends and they welcomed my daughter by throwing our whole family a baby shower. The best gift I received from anyone was a child's chair, painted by one of the 40+ members, and signed by all of them. It was hand-printed with my daughter's birth date, place of birth, etc. It was a unique gift from the hearts of women who had waited with me and now loved my new daughter.


The other really cool gift we received was from the airline that carried our adoption travel group back to the United States. It's a Barbie doll with Barbie as a stewardess; she carries a baby doll which looks to be Asian and the box says, “Welcome Home.” I don't know if the airlines still give it out, but it's an unopened keepsake in our house.


Looking for a gift to celebrate adoption is the same as looking for a gift celebrating the arrival of any baby. The twist, if it's an international adoption, is that you might want to look for a gift celebrating the child's country of origin as well. I think just going to a local paint-your-own-pottery place and inscribing the child's place of birth, place of adoption, etc. is really cool. Nevertheless, here are some of my favorite sites for adoption gifts:

• www.chinacharm.org – The non-profit adoption agency that helped bring my daughter home, CCAI, runs this online gift shop and it has a beautiful assortment of unique gifts that are reasonably-priced. The merchandise includes CDs, Chinese musical instruments, home décor items, clothing, and games and toys. I cannot recommend this site enough!
  
• www.adoptiongiftsshop.com – Although the amount of merchandise is limited, this store has some really unique “fun” stuff like mugs, drinking glasses, and water bottles in addition to the standard bumper stickers, jewelry, etc. I especially like their items which read “Love is stronger than blood.”
  
• cafepress.com/adoptionworld – Within the CafePress shop, lies a department called Adoption World which sells products that have been designed, I believe, by a woman who adopted several girls from China. Her merchandise is adorable and features hard-to-find items for those parents who are waiting for word about their adoptions. I love the mugs showing an arrow pointing to the map of China which read “Born in China, growing in my heart, and loved around the world.” They also have some great products which celebrate National Adoption Month.
  
• www.amazon.com – Yeah, I know. What doesn't Amazon sell? I have to mention them here, because when I was looking for Asian baby dolls (I want my daughter to be proud of her uniqueness), this was one of the few sites that carried them. Amazon still has the largest assortment of Asian dolls I've ever seen.

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Happy National Adoption Month!

See these babies:

They were all born in China in 2005. For some reason, their birth parents could not or chose not to keep them.  It could have been for any one of a number of reasons including:  the fact that they're all girls and girls are not valued in that society as much as boys; because their families were poor and couldn't support them; or because of China's infamous One-Child Policy which was in effect back then. Whatever the reason, these babies were found or taken to an orphanage and put up for adoption.

Back in the United States, they had families waiting for them. Families who had waited three LONG years to even see their pictures. Families who filled out mountains of paperwork and had endured exhaustive background checks.  These families never stopped thinking about their baby whom they'd never met. I know because one of the babies in this picture is my daughter. The babies above were part of two travel groups from the same adoption agency who eventually met up on the trip to bring their daughters home.


In honor of National Adoption Month, I'll be posting once a week on the topic of international adoption. It's gotten a lot of bad press lately because of cases where adoptive parents returned a child or abused a child. I don't know about that and I am, by no means, an expert in international adoption.  I am just one parent who knows that every one of the girls in the picture above found a family who loves them more than life itself. These were WANTED children and each of us would have done anything to bring our girls home.


To start off, here's my family's story:

My husband and I already had one child: a son. We desperately wanted another child to complete our family and so that our son would have a sibling. Domestic adoption within the United States was out because the laws governing birth parents are constantly changing here; while we sympathized with the many issues of birth parents, especially since we were the biological parents of our son, once we brought a baby home, we wanted that baby to be ours and not have to worry about someone showing up on our door in 5 or 10 years saying that she or he wanted the baby back. We chose to adopt from China because our research indicated that the babies from China were healthy. After extensive thought, soul-searching, and even more research, we signed the Intent To Adopt papers in 2002.


Now, adoption is not for the feint of heart. It's not something you do on a whim or because it's fashionable It's a LONG, complicated, expensive process in which you are thoroughly investigated to prove that you are worthy to bring another being into your family. At the center of it all is the dossier which is collected by the adoption agency; it takes about two years (?) to compile and contains letters of recommendation from family, tax and employment records, copies of your fingerprints, letters from the police department in virtually every town you've lived in attesting to your lack of a criminal record,
letters from doctors attesting to your physical and emotional health, as well as the results of a home study done by a social worker. Many of the forms submitted had to be notarized and validated by the Chinese Consulate over and over again. The adoption process is meticulous with every signature checked and re-checked to make sure everyone is who they say they are. If even the littlest detail had overlooked or the slightest mistake made, our adoption application could have been denied.


Let me mention here that our adoption agency was CCAI (http://www.ccaifamily.org/) which is run by Josh and Lily Zhong who are from China ; they started CCAI in 1992 to help bring children who had no families together with American families who would want them. Over the course of the three years it took to bring out daughter home, and even after she was here and we had to finalize the adoption, their team helped us in every way possible to make sure it would happen. There were many days I would call them, crying because I was so frustrated with how long the process was taking, and their staff would reassure me that everything was going as it should. In addition, CCAI's team proved invaluable when it was time to go to China to bring our baby home.


Compiling the dossier, in hindsight, was one of the easiest things we had to do. After we sent it to CCAI (they re-check it AGAIN), they sent it to the proper officials in China. Then came the hard part – the waiting. As an adoptive couple, you've put your heart and soul into that huge packet of paper that proves what you know to be true: you WILL love and cherish that new family member and will always be there for them no matter what.

I remember exactly where I was when I got the call. We were vacationing in a waterpark in Ocean City, Maryland, My husband and son had gone off to explore the park and I was sitting with my feet in a pool of water, my phone in a Ziploc bag to protect it, in my hands. The phone never left my side once the dossier was submitted because you never knew when you were going to hear something from CCAI. Anyway, it rang and the voice on the other line said, “Congratulations, Mrs. Klonsky. You have a beautiful baby girl!” The rep told me where my daughter was from, how old she was, and a little bit about her. I screamed and then explained to the startled strangers looking at me, “I have a daughter! I have a daughter!” Then I frantically ran around this massive waterpark looking for my husband and son. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
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In my next post celebrating National Adoption Day, I'll describe what happened next. Topics I also plan to cover are some of the best ways to celebrate a child's adoption along with recommended websites for adoption gifts and some of the interesting questions I've received as an adoptive parent. If you have any questions you'd like me to answer, please email using the Contact form at the end of this post.

Thank you for reading!