10 No-Fail Holiday Gifts For Families Expecting An Adopted Child

As the mom of a luminous daughter who was born in China, I remember, during the adoption process, friends asking me what I needed for the baby. Lily was my second child, so I already had all the baby essentials (granted, in blue, because of my son), but I had the biggies: crib, car seat, stroller, etc.  I received some wonderful gifts, but in hindsight, there are things I didn't get that I really could have used.

One of these sweet girls is my own daughter, Lily!

So, in honor of National Adoption Month, here's my list of 10 items I wished I'd gotten when my precious, 11-month bundle of joy finally arrived home. 

Some are targeted toward Chinese adoption, but plenty are not, so scroll down and have fun!

1. “Miracle” Necklace – Sure, you can have your kid's name and birthdate inscribed on a necklace, but adoption is such a miracle, why not be reminded of that fact? This necklace has the word written in English and Chinese. Lovely! Available here. 
   
   
   
   

   

   Just a reminder that adoption is a miracle!

   
   
   
   
2. A Gift Card To A Grocery Store That Delivers – When my daughter first came home and was adapting to her new world, it was sometimes hard to take her grocery shopping. I WISH I'd had a gift card to Peapod or some other grocery store that delivers, especially during the harsh Winter months when I had to schlep her outside. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. “We Don't Have To Look Alike To Be A Forever Family” Sweatshirt for kids – Sure, the new arrival could wear this, but what a wonderful present for an older sibling! This would have been perfect for my son who received questions from his friends like, “How can she be your sister when she doesn't look like you?” Available here.   

   

   Adoption brings a family together forever!

   
   
    
4. “Adoption Brings Love” Travel Mug – Perfect for any parent and/or grandparent and a reminder of what a blessing adoption is, this mug is practical as well as lovely. Available here. 
    
   
   
   
   
5. Serious Offers To Babysit And/Or Babysitting Coupons – Let me explain. I was SOOO tired when my daughter came home. We have no extended family and I had no support. How I wish I'd had offers to babysit! Sure, I could have asked my friends, but it would have been wonderful to receive these babysitting coupons. And they're free to print! 
    
   
   

   

   Yes I am!

    
   
   
6. “Yes, I Am Her Real Mother” Tote Bag – Over the years, I've gotten plenty of questions from adults and children alike about who my daughter's “real” mother is. Yes, she has a birth mother, but I am her real mother – the one who waited three years for her and thought of her every one of those days, the one who takes care of her and who loves her unconditionally. This tote bag not only answers the aforementioned question, but could spark discussions about what a “real” mother is to anyone. It's also a great reminder that one does not need to give birth to be a true mother. Find it here.  
   
   
   
   
   
   
7. Adoption Picture & Poetry Photo Gift Frame – We took plenty of photos of my daughter when she arrived, I made a scrapbook of her journey, framed her adoption announcement, etc., but this 8”x10” frame is unique. The poem by Joyce Boyce (“We waited so long for this special day...”) will speak to any adoptive parent and reminds your child how much they were wanted!  See it here. 
   
   
   
   
   
   

   

   What a great way to celebrate adoption!

   
   
   
   
   
   
8. “Adoption Is A Miracle” Ornament – Okay, so it's a Christmas ornament (and what a fantastic way to add the adoption element to your holiday tree), but really, this beautiful reminder of the miracle of adoption can be hung anyway. My daughter is proud to be adopted, but I'm thinking of ordering this just as a daily reminder of how truly blessed we have been by adoption. Find it here.
   
   
   
   

   

   Hang is from a chandelier, lamp or anywhere!

   
   
   
   
9. Adoption Memory Book Set – I made a scrapbook of my daughter's journey, from the moment we signed the “Intent To Adopt” document through her first six months home. It was perfect because when our social worker came for the routine follow-up visit and asked how Lily had been doing, I just whipped out the book and showed her. How nice it would have been, however, to have a book like this. I love the fact that you can use whichever pages you want (you don't have to use them all), the fact that you can order it for Domestic or International Adoption, and some of the pages which include: homeland facts, travel itineraries, trip details, etc. You can also customize the cover. Beautiful!
   
   
   
   

   

   A sweet reminder of how far your child came to find you!

   
   
    
10. Gotcha Day Cinch Sack – A parent or child can use this lovely reminder that an internationally adopted child spans two countries. Wonderful for Gotcha Day or any day! Find it here.

Yes, these would make great holiday gifts, but what's to stop you from buying them any time?  I wish I'd had this stuff!  

To read our adoption story, visit these two posts:

http://isithotinheremmm.blogspot.com/2013/11/happy-national-adoption-month.html

http://isithotinheremmm.blogspot.com/2013/11/our-daughter-comes-home-plus.html

Thanks for reading!

The 3-year, 20 Minute Journey To Bring My Baby Home

 

 Note:  I know I've told this story before, namely back in November of last year, but it's one of my FAVORITE memories, so I thought I'd write about it again.  Get the tissues ready...

 

The trip to the airport was one I'd made a 100 times before. As I got my 6-year old ready to get in the car, I glanced around the house. In two hours, our world would never be the same. Today was the culmination of three years of prayer, paperwork, and lot of money. It was something I never, in a million years had pictured myself doing. It was something I never thought I'd ever want. It involved a place I rarely gave thought to and an intense love for someone I'd never met.

Three years ago, after a tragic miscarriage, my husband and I made a choice: to forgo fertility treatments and, instead, adopt a child. We already had a wonderful little boy, but the family was incomplete. Junior needed a sibling and hubby and I needed a baby. After performing extensive research and meeting the charming adopted daughter of a friend, we decided that we wanted a little girl from China. But were we worthy and could we do it? The challenge was daunting. The mountain of paperwork was immense. We had to pass background checks from employers and every police department from every town we'd ever lived in. We asked friends and neighbors to write letters of recommendation. Every document submitted needed to be translated in Chinese by our local Chinese Consulate. And every signature had to be notarized and then the notary checked for validation. We had physicals, we were fingerprinted, and a social worker came for a home study during which she interviewed our son; at that interview, he broke our hearts when he told her, very simply, “I don't want to be an only child. I want my sister.” Every night, I prayed for our daughter, not knowing whether she was in another woman's tummy or whether she'd been born. And every Summer, as we made our yearly pilgrimage to the Shore, I'd look out at the ocean, knowing that far away, she was waiting to meet her Mommy. 

 "...I don't want to be an only child.  I want my sister."

We made the decision that my husband would travel to the Orient by himself. The trip was expensive and I'd never been away from my son – ever. The concept that Mommy was going away to bring back the sibling he wanted, but one who would take attention away from him and rock his world, was huge. Dave was a seasoned traveler, a man who had intense focus and could put his emotions on the back-burner in order to get something done. Plus, he was an experienced Dad – he knew how to how to change diapers, administer medication, and he was nurturing. And there was something to be said for parity – I'd brought Junior into the world after 27 hours of labor. This was his chance to bring a child into the family after two weeks abroad. Dave really was the best parent for the job.

On a fateful day in August, while we were at a waterpark in Maryland, I got the call. “Mrs. Klonsky, you have a daughter. She's 10 months old and is in foster care. We'll be emailing you her information later today.  Congratulations.” Dave and Junior were somewhere in the park, among thousands of gallons of water. I frantically searched for them, crying with joy. Finally, I found the and uttered the words I'd imagined speaking a thousand times, “You have a daughter and you have a sister.” We dashed back to the hotel where an email waited for us giving us her physical data which we were to take to our pediatrician who could tell us if she was healthy. Then, with bated breath, we opened the attachment containing her picture. She was so tiny! Her hair was clipped short and she looked very serious. She was beautiful. “I love you,” I whispered. “I've loved you my whole life.” 

"I love you," I whispered. "I've loved you my whole life."

We'd chosen the name Lily to replace her Chinese name, but kept one of her middle names, Yi, which means Spirit. As we received reports from her foster caregiver, we read between the lines: Lily was indeed, spirited, vocal, and we were relieved to find out, thriving. As I assembled the materials recommended by our adoption agency, I lovingly chose clothes based on the measurements the orphanage gave us (as it turns out, they estimated her size too small and my husband would up swapping clothes with other adoptive parents). We were allowed to send Lily Care Packages, so I made her a doll out of my favorite nightgown; it was soft and smelled like me. I hoped that, on some level, she would know it was from her Mommy.

Dave left on the day my son started 1^st grade. Junior was used to Daddy traveling and Mommy being home so this was no big deal for him. His world went on while my husband would begin the trip he'd eventually call Survivor Nanchang, after the Survivor television series. In the meantime, I put together Lily's crib and got her room ready. She was never out of my thoughts. Every night, I waited for the call from Dave who, after four days in China, met his daughter for the first time. I'll never forget the phone message he left, “She's small, she's cute, and she has a little cold. And she's beautiful.” He spent the next 10 days in various hotel rooms, submitting paperwork to Chinese officials, signing documents, getting Lily's birth certificate and visa. Finally, he began a brief state at the White Swan Hotel in Guangzhou, the city that houses the U.S. Consulate where all adoptive families stay before coming home. He nursed Lily through a nasty cold and took care of her through his own terrible bout with food poisoning.

She was even more beautiful, more radiant than I'd ever imagined.

Finally, on that amazing day in September, Junior and I stood in Newark Airport craving a glimpse of father and daughter. Junior held tightly onto the stroller we'd brought. Our excitement was palpable. At last, I caught a glimpse of my husband. He cradled a baby wearing an open, stained onesie and one sock. She clutched a bottle with Chinese writing on it. Dave handed her to me and, tears flowing, I whispered, “I'm your Mommy. I love you!” “Mei-mei, wo ai ni,” Junior said, which means, “Little Sister, I love you” in Mandarin. While father and son got reacquainted, I selfishly held my daughter, smelling her, stroking her, cherishing her little two-toothed smile. She was even more beautiful, more radiant than I had ever imagined. I tried to conceive what she was going through. EVERYTHING for her was was different – sights, sounds, smells. “Welcome home, Lily.” As it was for her, my world would never be the same.

Thank you for reading! 

Ah, The Stupid Things People Say

(Note: This is Post #3 in my series celebrating National Adoption Month. In my 11/1/13 entry, I

The doll I made & sent to my baby in China.  She thinks it's creepy.

discussed how my family's journey to international adoption began and how we received the news about our precious daughter. On 11/8/13, I described the amazing day our daughter came home and recommended sites for adoption gifts.)


People don't always say the smartest things; sadly, they may not even realize how flagrantly asinine what they're saying is or how intrusive they're being. Once my amazing daughter was home, I became acutely aware of the ignorance spouting from people's lips, especially as it pertained to her. Fortunately, I don't carry a 2'x4', otherwise, those people would have been flattened instantly.


As promised, here are some of those comments and questions. Note: Most of the things you're about to read have come from a family member who has absolutely no clue as to how rude her comments were and, even after we pointed them out, disagreed that they were inappropriate. As I said, some people just don't get it.

• “Who's her real mother?” - I am. There's a perception that only the person who actually gave birth to a baby is the child's actual mother, but that's just not so. There are plenty of women who pop out a child who have no interest in either keeping it or taking care of it; there are some who treat their children, no matter where they came from, poorly. A mother, or a mother figure, is the female who raises you is there for you, day and night, no matter what. She is a woman who wants you and loves you completely. Yes, someone else gave birth to my daughter, but I am her mother. Plain and simple.
  
• “Of course she likes Chinese food. It's in her blood.” - This was said after we described how my baby enjoyed her first visit to a local Chinatown. I didn't realize that just because you're a native of a certain country, you're wired to enjoy that culture's food (yes, this is sarcastic).
  
• “She's going to be very good at math.” - Ah, yes, the stereotypes. They cause me to roll my eyes and practice my Lamaze breathing. If my daughter is bright, it's because she's innately intelligent and, hopefully, we're cultivating that intelligence. Being Chinese has nothing to do with it.
  
• “She's a china doll.” - I take less offense to this generalization, but still don't like it. If you know my little Fireball (her nickname for herself), you know she may look delicate on the outside, but inside she's the most determined, fiery child on the planet.
  
• “How much did she cost?” - Yep, a total stranger asked me this one day when I was sitting on a park bench watching my daughter play. I was, at first, speechless; thank God I do not carry the aforementioned 2'x4'. I thought about walking away, but instead bit my tongue and patiently explained to the Neanderthal that my child is adopted, not purchased. Yes, there are fees inherent in the adoption process just as one pays medical bills when one is pregnant and gives birth. Monies paid go to ensure that the adoptive parents are worthy of a child and can provide for it.
  
• “You're a saint for adopting a child.” - Thanks, but I'm not. My husband and I wanted a child. We had one. Simple.

As I've said before, I have two children and there's no disparity in the love I have for each of them. Yet, when I look at them I do see differences, but not because of the way they look. It's because each has individual strengths and is beautiful in his/her own way. They have their own mannerisms and expressions. Each is his/her own person. I do not consider how they look, just who they are. I am thankful for each of them every day. It is only online that I sometimes distinguish that one is biological and one is adopted. Why?


Because I want to encourage people to ask questions, especially if they're considering adding to their family. I want people stop thinking that love is automatically linked to bloodlines. I want people to consider adoption as a realistic option for building a family.


Adopting through our agency, CCAI, introduced us to a large group of people I am extremely grateful for. Our adoption group still communicates through Facebook and holiday cards, and a few years ago, we met with 10 of those families for a reunion at a resort in South Carolina. That vacation of a lifetime allowed my daughter to see friends she'd known before she met me and, since I didn't make that trip to the Far East, permitted me to meet some of those parents. What an amazing, joyful trip!


We also see two of those families who live within driving distance every year. It's important for my kids to see bi-racial families like us and it always strikes me how alike our girls are. We have some incredible people in our life thanks to adoption.


I asked my daughter the other day what she thinks of adoption. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “people think I'm special.” We talked about the fact that she is, not because of where she came from but because of who she is. She told me about other kids she knows who are adopted and asked when we're going to see her CCAI “sisters” again. We looked at her baby pictures and she recounted stories we've told her over the years of some of her infant antics. Then she snuggled into me. “MY mommy,” she whispered.


Yes, my love, I am your mommy. People may not say the smartest things, but we know the truth. How we came together doesn't matter. Our hearts are joined together as only a mother and child can be.


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Here are some really cool websites that will help you or someone you know talk intelligently about adoption without, hopefully, offending anyone:


Parents Magazine has this wonderful adoption primer entitled 10 Questions Not To Ask Adoptive Parents (http://www.parents.com/parenting/adoption/parenting/10-questions-not-to-ask-adoptive-parents.


“What Not To Say To An Adoptive Mom” (http://mom.me/parenting/109-10-things-not-to-say-to-an-adoptive-parent) appears on the website mom.me. This article, written by Vanessa McCrady, is terrific and generated some interesting comments.


“What Not To Say To Adoptive Parents” (http://www.iamnotthebabysitter.com/what-not-to-say-to-adoptive-parents) appears on this website written by a parent in a transracial family. The funniest thing I find about being in a transracial family is that I forget the family is transracial! 


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In my next post celebrating National Adoption Month, I'll review some of the adult and children's books I've read about adoption. Please join me again, won't you?

Happy National Adoption Month!

See these babies:

They were all born in China in 2005. For some reason, their birth parents could not or chose not to keep them.  It could have been for any one of a number of reasons including:  the fact that they're all girls and girls are not valued in that society as much as boys; because their families were poor and couldn't support them; or because of China's infamous One-Child Policy which was in effect back then. Whatever the reason, these babies were found or taken to an orphanage and put up for adoption.

Back in the United States, they had families waiting for them. Families who had waited three LONG years to even see their pictures. Families who filled out mountains of paperwork and had endured exhaustive background checks.  These families never stopped thinking about their baby whom they'd never met. I know because one of the babies in this picture is my daughter. The babies above were part of two travel groups from the same adoption agency who eventually met up on the trip to bring their daughters home.


In honor of National Adoption Month, I'll be posting once a week on the topic of international adoption. It's gotten a lot of bad press lately because of cases where adoptive parents returned a child or abused a child. I don't know about that and I am, by no means, an expert in international adoption.  I am just one parent who knows that every one of the girls in the picture above found a family who loves them more than life itself. These were WANTED children and each of us would have done anything to bring our girls home.


To start off, here's my family's story:

My husband and I already had one child: a son. We desperately wanted another child to complete our family and so that our son would have a sibling. Domestic adoption within the United States was out because the laws governing birth parents are constantly changing here; while we sympathized with the many issues of birth parents, especially since we were the biological parents of our son, once we brought a baby home, we wanted that baby to be ours and not have to worry about someone showing up on our door in 5 or 10 years saying that she or he wanted the baby back. We chose to adopt from China because our research indicated that the babies from China were healthy. After extensive thought, soul-searching, and even more research, we signed the Intent To Adopt papers in 2002.


Now, adoption is not for the feint of heart. It's not something you do on a whim or because it's fashionable It's a LONG, complicated, expensive process in which you are thoroughly investigated to prove that you are worthy to bring another being into your family. At the center of it all is the dossier which is collected by the adoption agency; it takes about two years (?) to compile and contains letters of recommendation from family, tax and employment records, copies of your fingerprints, letters from the police department in virtually every town you've lived in attesting to your lack of a criminal record,
letters from doctors attesting to your physical and emotional health, as well as the results of a home study done by a social worker. Many of the forms submitted had to be notarized and validated by the Chinese Consulate over and over again. The adoption process is meticulous with every signature checked and re-checked to make sure everyone is who they say they are. If even the littlest detail had overlooked or the slightest mistake made, our adoption application could have been denied.


Let me mention here that our adoption agency was CCAI (http://www.ccaifamily.org/) which is run by Josh and Lily Zhong who are from China ; they started CCAI in 1992 to help bring children who had no families together with American families who would want them. Over the course of the three years it took to bring out daughter home, and even after she was here and we had to finalize the adoption, their team helped us in every way possible to make sure it would happen. There were many days I would call them, crying because I was so frustrated with how long the process was taking, and their staff would reassure me that everything was going as it should. In addition, CCAI's team proved invaluable when it was time to go to China to bring our baby home.


Compiling the dossier, in hindsight, was one of the easiest things we had to do. After we sent it to CCAI (they re-check it AGAIN), they sent it to the proper officials in China. Then came the hard part – the waiting. As an adoptive couple, you've put your heart and soul into that huge packet of paper that proves what you know to be true: you WILL love and cherish that new family member and will always be there for them no matter what.

I remember exactly where I was when I got the call. We were vacationing in a waterpark in Ocean City, Maryland, My husband and son had gone off to explore the park and I was sitting with my feet in a pool of water, my phone in a Ziploc bag to protect it, in my hands. The phone never left my side once the dossier was submitted because you never knew when you were going to hear something from CCAI. Anyway, it rang and the voice on the other line said, “Congratulations, Mrs. Klonsky. You have a beautiful baby girl!” The rep told me where my daughter was from, how old she was, and a little bit about her. I screamed and then explained to the startled strangers looking at me, “I have a daughter! I have a daughter!” Then I frantically ran around this massive waterpark looking for my husband and son. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
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In my next post celebrating National Adoption Day, I'll describe what happened next. Topics I also plan to cover are some of the best ways to celebrate a child's adoption along with recommended websites for adoption gifts and some of the interesting questions I've received as an adoptive parent. If you have any questions you'd like me to answer, please email using the Contact form at the end of this post.

Thank you for reading!