Rules For My 16-Year Old This Summer

Motherhood is an evolution because as the kids change, we parents have to tweak our parenting skills to coincide with whatever stage they're in. For example, a few years ago I wrote a popular post entitled “6 Rules To Help The Teen & I This Summer”. My son is now a few weeks away from turning 16 and, despite his best efforts, was unable to secure either a job or even a volunteer opportunity this season, since most places won't even consider hiring anyone who's 15 (I'm sure there's a reason for this, but Hey Volunteer Organizations: This policy sucks! He's a great kid who would have been an asset to your nursing home, animal shelter, etc.). While I'm giddy that Junior is around this vacation, I've once again, had to adjust the parameters for his 10 weeks or so off since his level of maturity is far different than it was a few years ago. 

This is an image off Pixabay - it's not my teen.

So are are my original 6 Rules For My Teen, plus a few I've added to help my adolescent and I thrive while he's around:

1. You must tell me where you're going and check in with me periodically. Whereas before, I wanted to know your route, that's no longer necessary. You're almost 6' tall and know the whole child abduction drill. Still, I want to know what your ultimate destination is, whether it's the pizza parlor, friend's house, etc. 
   
   
2. You must respond on your cellphone when I call or text me back. When you were 13, the rule was you had to always have his cellphone on you (and charged) because you'd just gotten it. Now it's basically a part of your body. But you've got to answer and/or text back, otherwise, I worry. This, of course, implies that I won't pester you with questions, check-ins, etc. which I do not. 
   
   
3. You pay for the bulk of your entertainment. You get an allowance. Pay for your own excursions (to restaurants, waterparks, etc.). If you don't have the money, we'll work it out.
   
   
4. Figure out what you need and bring it. Water bottles, sunscreen, a swimsuit, towels – pack ahead of time and if you forget it, consider it a learning experience.
   
   
5. Your friends are welcome to come over, but there must be an “ending time” to their visits. A few years back, we had several kids who came in the morning and didn't leave until well into the night, despite being told what time their parents should pick them up. I love your friends, but the shear number of those open-ended visits threw the family off.
   
   
6. If you makes future plans, let us know about them. Summertime is still, to some degree, family time and we'd like to see him, especially on the weekends. We all have the Cozi Family Calendar app on our smartphones (it allows all parties to see and adjust the family calendar) so there should be no confusion about events that are coming up; these events include your own plans which are to be respected by your dad and me.
   

Additional rules for my soon-to-be 16 year-old:

7. We need to limit the larger friend gatherings. During the school year, you have upwards of 10 kids coming here on Friday nights. While I WANT THEM HERE, having such a large number of teens here a few times a week strains the family budget. Have one or two kids over a few times a week, but the larger hang-outs are still limited to once per week.
   
   
8. You've got to work around the house. Yes, your choreload has increased for the summer, of course, because you're around more; no, you're not getting a larger allowance for this. Some things you're just expected to do because you're part of the family. But there are a few projects we need done like painting the front door, de-cluttering the garage, etc. that that you're perfectly capable of doing – for an additional price. Similarly, you've agreed to give your sister music lessons which I LOVE because it's a time that you're having fun together without video. 
   
   
9. Sometimes, get yourself from place to place. I am not Uber. I don't mind driving you somewhere if I happen to be going in that direction, but the concept of “pick me up here and take me there” is not happening. If I'm in a good mood, I may assist with part of the journey, but our town is small, your pals are relatively close, and your legs work. Use them either to walk or pedal that wonderful adult bike we got you a few years back. Similarly, I am not your friends' taxi. If Mike wants to come over, let him find a way to do it – I'm not picking him up (and yes, I've had parents who work ask me if I can ferry their kids about). 
   
   
10. You are now responsible for his own pool badge, health club card, library card, etc. Mommy is not the keeper of these articles any more. It's time to carry a wallet with these cards in it along with cash for incidentals. 
    
    
11. Friends do not belong in your bedroom. Adolescence is a time of exploration. While your buddies friends are great, they're still teens and no one is going to try drugs or alcohol on my watch if I can help it. As for girls – there's no WAY they're setting foot in your bedroom! Our house is big enough where y'all can hang in the den. There's no reason for your hommies to explore other recreational rooms.
    
    
12. You can wait on your friends and clean up after they leave. This is part of hosting. Kid, you ask your friends what they want to drink and get it for them. I'll buy the snacks, but you serve. He also needs to clear dishes and vacuum the rug (for crumbs) once they leave. To your credit, as soon as the door closes on the last kid, you're on Clean Up Duty without any prompting from me. 
    
    

Parents, sure, a lot of these rules are common sense, however, putting them out there, discussing them ahead of time, means fewer arguments. Next year, when my son is driving, I'll drop some of guidelines because he won't need reminding and add others pertaining to the car. 

The car....oh Lord! Stay tuned, readers. More advice on teens coming up shortly as Junior gets his Permit. 

Restaurant.Com Offers $3 For $25 Deals On Dining For Those Of Us Who Are Kitchenally-Challenged - TODAY ONLY!

Disclosure:  I received a Restaurant.com gift card for the purpose of this review.  This post was made possible by Mom Spark Media.  Still, the thoughts and feelings expressed in this post are my own.  To any people I may offend, Whoops!


 \

People do not come to my house for the food.  And that's the simple truth.

She's so pretty, cooking in her kitchen.  That's not me.

I'm not known as an "exemplary cook" even though I really do enjoy the act of cooking.  Most of the time I serve edible meals, as evidenced by my robust, healthy children.  I wish I cooked better, especially since my son is somewhat of a foodie.  Sorry, Junior.  Despite evidence to the contrary, I'd like to think that my husband keeps Pepto-Bismal on his desk because he likes the color and the taste.  And, in the name of full disclosure, it's only been once or twice, at the most, that visitors have sought medical care after eating my meals (good thing the hospital is a stone's throw away).

Whereas I enjoy cooking, I HATE serving meals and cleaning the kitchen afterwards. 

I abhor playing waitress, especially when we host every holiday and it contains one elderly visitor (related to me by marriage) who is no only demanding, but thankless.  On those occasions, I beat a hasty retreat to the kitchen for peace to face the ugly task of cleaning half-eaten food off plates. 

So I'm delighted that Restaurant.com is offering $3 for $25 Certificates with Promo Code:  CYBER today only! 

I can chose from 22,000 restaurants nationwide where I can meet eat and r-e-l-a-x.  Now THERE'S a word that isn't in my vocabulary very often!

And, if I'm on the road, their mobile app lets me choose from a variety of restaurants by zip code.  I just use the certificate from my phone at the restaurant.  It's so easy!

Hurry, because this "Better than Best" $3 Cyber Monday Sale won't last - it ends Monday, November 30th at 11:59 pm CT.

Treat YOURSELF to at least one deeply-discounted night out - I am (but I'm still debating whether I'll use the others on the family...)!

Disclosure again:  I received a Restaurant.com gift card for the purpose of this review.  This post was made possible by Mom Spark Media.  Still, the thoughts and feelings expressed in this post are my own.  To any people I may have offended, bummer.  

Thanks for reading!

How DO You Clean A Re-Usable Straw

I love re-usable water bottles and those souvenir cups you get at theme parks.  Heck - I still have a water bottle from the water park we were visiting when we found out that my daughter was waiting for us in China 9 years ago!   


But, for the life of me, I could never figure out:

HOW TO WASH THOSE STURDY STRAWS THE WATER BOTTLES COME WITH! 

I'd run them under blasts of water and then get so mad when the straws wouldn't come clean that I'd throw them out.  Yes, in the grand scheme of things this is trivial, but it drove me crazy!  

SO HERE'S HOW TO CLEAN THOSE STUPID RE-USABLE STRAWS

1.   Fill a lasagna or large, shallow pan with hot soapy water.  Add the dirty straws and, to make sure the straws stay submerged, place a serving spoon on top of the straws.  Let them sit for about 10 minutes.  

2.  Take the straws out of the water and place under running water for a few seconds.

3.  Grab a chenille pipe cleaner (yes, the ones your kids use for crafts) and push it in and out of each straw to get it clean.  Run the straw through hot water again to rinse.

YES, IT'S THAT EASY!

I even bought a small package of pipe cleaners at the Dollar Store and keep them in my kitchen, not only for straws, but for any other cleaning jobs that require scrubbing in tight spaces.  

 

Another of life's little problems solved! If only they were all that easy!

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Thank you for reading!  Please come back and visit me soon!  

How to Get Mold Out of a Straw

By Mary McNally

eHow Contributor

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Cups with a plastic top and straw may prevent messy drink spills; however, the straw interior often becomes clogged with mold, especially in hot weather. Replacing your straw with a disposable one may be a bad idea if the hole in your cup's top is unusually sized. Permanent straws made out of glass can shatter if they are dropped, and metal straws may give your drinks an unpleasant aftertaste. It is fairly easy to get mold out of the plastic straw that comes with your cup using pipe cleaners that you can buy at any crafts or tobacconist store.

Things You'll Need

• Dish soap
• Dish

• Pipe cleaners
• Thin cotton cloth

• Fill your kitchen sink halfway with hot soapy water, and place the moldy straw into the water. Lay a heavy dish on top of the straw if necessary to keep it submerged. Let the straw soak in the soapy water for about 10 minutes to loosen the mold.
  
• Remove the dish and straw from the soapy water. Run clear warm water from the faucet into the straw to push out any larger pieces of mold. Drain the kitchen sink of the soapy water.
  
• Wet a pipe cleaner made out of chenille or terry cloth with warm water. Ensure that the pipe cleaner is as straight as possible, then push it through the straw in and out several times to remove any mold that remains within. Use a larger pipe cleaner or one wrapped in a non-pilling cotton cloth if the first pipe cleaner is too small to clean the straw effectively.
  
• Rinse the straw, pipe cleaner and cloth repeatedly under the sink faucet with warm water, and continue to push the pipe cleaner through the straw until there is no mold remaining inside.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/how_8162732_mold-out-straw.html

4 Easy, Effective Homemade Cleaners & One INCREDIBLE Fail

I love saving money with homemade cleaners. Years ago, when our dog was a puppy, I learned how effective diluted white vinegar was in cleaning up pee stains and neutralizing the odor. Soon after, I learned that white vinegar is great for disinfecting counter tops as well and it's now my family's FAVORITE cleaner. But there are others.

My FAVORITE cleaner - cheap and it has anti-bacterial properties.

Here are my four favorite homemade cleaners followed by one I tried which was a complete disaster.

1. Laundry Stain Remover: In a spray bottle, mix 1 part hydrogen peroxide, 1 part baking soda, and 2 parts water. Spray on stains, wait two minutes, then wash.
   
   
   
   
2. Drain Declogger: Before you reach for the Drano, try this first. Sprinkle one cup of super washing soda (find it in the laundry aisle) into the drain and then add two cups of boiling water (feel free to add more) down the drain to flush. This is great for drains that are slow and it's also great to do periodically to the kitchen sink to prevent clogs. 
   
   
   
   
3. Floor Cleaner: Mix 1 cup of white vinegar, 1 gallon of hot water, ¼ cup of liquid soap and 1 to 2 tablespoons of pine or lemon oil. Clean the floor with a mop or damp rag. Follow with a clean-water mop. 
   
   
   
   
4. Enamel Or Porcelain Cleaner: Mix 1 cup of baking soda or borax, some warm water, and 2 to 3 drops of liquid soap (I use Dawn). Apply to surfaces and let sit about 5 minutes before scrubbing with a non-abrasive sponge. Rinse and wipe off any residue.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

Now about that epic fail...I've seen several recipes for homemade dishwasher detergent. Most include either borax or baking soda, maybe even super washing soda, as an ingredient. So I tried it on my GE Washer. BIG MISTAKE. The powder got into every crevice of the machine and coated the dishes. The heat cycle then baked that residue in. It effectively KILLED my $800 dishwasher. 

I also made a furniture cleaner with olive oil which left a nasty coating on my living room table. So what did I learn?

IF POSSIBLE, TEST THESE CLEANERS OUT BEFORE YOU USE A LOT OF THE STUFF.  Don't take my word or anyone else's.  No, there was no way of knowing the dishwasher detergent would kill my GE, but maybe if I'd tested the furniture cleaner out before using it on my table, it would have saved some scrubbing.

 

Happy Cleaning! 

6 Tips For Making Cleaning Fun – For You & The Kids

Another day & there's more cleaning to do!

I hate cleaning! Even though I do a little of it every day (I've got kids – need I say more?!), that's basic straightening. It's the more time-intensive housework that I can't stand. So here are some strategies I've found to make this hideous task bearable, if not downright fun, not only for me, but for the kids:

1. Make sure you have the right tools. Using the wrong tools makes cleaning harder and more frustrating. I wrote a few months ago about the life-changing vacuum we bought (read about that here) which makes vacuuming much, much easier. That tool in itself makes vacuuming the whole house a breeze. In addition, I use generic dusting cloths made for the Swiffer to dust the house. Just cut them in half and you're good to go. I also have a microfiber cloth that I purchased at 5 Below that I'll sometimes use to dust. The Rubbermaid Reveal Spray Mop makes mopping quick and easy since it has an attached bottle you can spray the floor with before mopping.  No more disgusting buckets filled with soap.  I fill the bottle with diluted white vinegar, give the handle a quick pull, and the mopping is easy as it gets my floors (linoleum and hard wood) clean in a breeze!
   
   

   

   The Rubbermaid Reveal makes cleaning easier.

    
   
   
2. Give yourself a time limit.  Dedicating a full day to cleaning just makes me dread the task even more, but being on a deadline motivates me to clean efficiently.   Sometimes I'll clean just before I have to pick my daughter up from school. I know how long I have until I have to leave, how long it takes to clean the house, and I know I have to get it done so that I'll be on time for pick-up. 
    
   
   
3. Make it a game – this is GREAT for motivating kids. Jot down how long it takes to clean the first time, then try to beat that time the second go around. You could even make it a competition between kids; whoever gets their room cleaned first gets a piece of chocolate.
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. Make your bed the first thing in the morning or make sure at least one room stays clean. Being tidy motivates me and my daughter, to be tidy and organized. I see how nice my bed looks and I want the rest of the room to look as good. Similarly, I recently spent a few hours cleaning her room and closet. Now, every morning, she makes her bed because she loves the way her room looks and wants it to stay that way. (Note: I'm mentioning my daughter and not my son because, being a teen, he honestly doesn't give a damn the way his room looks!)
   
   
   
   
   
   
5. Plan a reward for yourself at the end. Since I'm always on a diet, I'll treat myself to a special brew of coffee, some “Me” time to read my book, or permission to watch a favorite TV show (I'm a huge fan of "Love It Or List It"). 
   
   
   
   
   
   
6. Play music as you clean. Tunes are inspiring and dancing your way through the task burns calories (or so I've read). Here are some of my favorite tunes/artists to clean to:

• Almost anything by the BeeGees
• Viva La Vida by Coldplay
• R.O.C.K. In The USA by John Mellencamp
• The Story In Your Eyes by The Moody Blues
• I'm Just A Singer In A Rock And Roll Band by the Moody Blues
• It's Raining Men by the Weather Girls

          Oh, and basically anything Disco works, too.

For more great ideas on how to make cleaning fun, visit:

• http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Cleaning-Fun
• https://www.care.com/a/8-ways-to-have-fun-cleaning-1303130719
• http://www.bhg.com/homekeeping/house-cleaning/tips/make-cleaning-fun/
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  More cleaning!  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

Now excuse me, please.  There's some mocha caramel coffee waiting for me if I can get my house cleaned within the next hour.  Thanks for reading! 

8 Tips For Going To Sleep & Getting Back To Sleep

 

One thing I never realized until I became a parent is that, for me, parenting affected the quality of my sleep. From the first night I brought Junior home, I became attuned to every little noise he made. I'm still attuned to my kids' voices and now, with menopausal hot flashes waking me up every night, I sometimes don't get much sleep at all. Recently, I discovered several things that actually help me get the number of hours of rest that I need to function. Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. This is just stuff that works for me. Please talk to your doctor before taking any herbal supplements.

Tip 1: Time your caffeine intake. Menopause does tricky things to your body including influencing how certain substances, like caffeine, affect it. I've found that drinking any kind of beverage containing this stimulant after 12 p.m. influences my sleep. Thus, after noon, I switch to seltzer, water, or decaf green tea. For more on caffeine and what it does to your brain, visit this article.

Tip 2: Stop all electronics and television use an hour or two before bed. The blue light from your phone and tablet negatively influence your sleep (for more on that, click on this article from Harvard Health. This was hard for me, but it helped.

Tip 3: Read a book. It relaxes the nerves and calms the mind. (For more on the benefits of sleep before bed, click here.)

Tip 4: Cultivate a sense of gratitude. Instead of worrying at night, I mentally list all of the things I'm thankful for. It relaxes me and gives me a sense of peace.

STOP ALL ELECTRONICS AND TELEVISION USE AN HOUR OR TWO BEFORE BED.  

Tip 5: Sleep in a cool room with some type of white noise. Your body needs to cool down in order to fall asleep and stay asleep. I use a fan which not only helps with the hot flashes, but fills the room with a nice, calming hum. I also use my Chillow when I have hot flashes (to read my review of the Chillow, click here.

Tip 6: Consider melatonin. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I sometimes use a low dose of melatonin with the blessing of my doctor. It helps me go back to sleep and doesn't leave me with the grogginess in the morning that over-the-counter medications did. For more on melatonin, click here.  

Tip 7: Clean your room. I'd heard that de-cluttering helped, but since I'm not the tidiest person, didn't believe it. Yesterday I actually did it and WOW! It did help! I look at my dresser and feel like I'm in a hotel. Apparently looking at the mess caused some stress. Now, no mess, less stress.

Tip 8: If you can't fall asleep or back to sleep in about 15 minutes or so, get out of the bed and go somewhere peaceful to read. 

 

Studies have proven the incredible benefits of sleep. It's essential to health and mood. If you can't sleep, try some of the above. They're working for me!

DO YOU HAVE ANY SLEEP TIPS?  I'D LOVE TO HEAR THEM!

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Thanks for reading!

The Lazy Mom's Life-Changing Vacuum

The Shedder

Anyone who knows me knows that I am NOT fond of cleaning. I'd rather have root canal, without anesthesia, than clean.  Life is just too damn short to worry about dust and there are far better things I could be doing (like writing or Tweeting) than tidying a house that, with two kids, is going to look like a typhoon hit it 5 minutes after it's been cleaned anyway. Plus I've got a cat that sheds fur balls the size of hamsters every time she jumps off the couch. I mean, why bother?

Hubby, who likes a clean house (what is WRONG with that guy?!), tends to do the heavy-duty vacuuming on the weekends. I supplement with a lightweight Red Devil, which picked up the aforementioned fur balls and potato chip crumbs, just to keep bugs at bay. I swore I'd never use our big, clunky, main vacuum until pigs fly. Still, when the old vacuum started to smell like the fireplace (can you say “upcoming explosion”), we decided it was time to get a new, primary vacuum. After a good amount of research, we headed over to Walmart to buy (drum roll please)..

 The Shark Navigator Lift-Away!

This sucker (pun intended) is only 12 pounds, so it weighs two pounds less than the damn cat! It swivels, which is convenient, yes, but it makes it remarkably easy to maneuver. With a flick of a switch, you can go from floor setting to rug, unlike the Hoover we returned because you basically needed a degree in Engineering to figure the bloody thing out. With our previous vacuum I used to use earphones to protect my hearing from the deafening motor; this one is loud, but not unpleasantly so. It even picks up cat hair like an over-caffeinated, crazed Mother-In-Law.


But the BEST thing about the Shark Navigator Lift-Away is that it comes apart in many, many ways. Why is this important?

• I can take the canister off the main part (see photo – that's not me) so I can vacuum the stairs without dragging the whole thing up and down.
  
• I can take the canister off, take it outside to the garbage, and then empty the dust cup via an upper trap door or lower one. In other words, it's EASY to dump the dust without making a mess!
• The attachments can be connected at any number of points and work really well to clean the couch of potato chip crumbs and even more cat hair (she may be going bald).

There are only two cons to the vacuum so far: 1) The non-retractable extension chord. Yes, it's a 25 foot chord, but a retractable one is more fun. 2) There's no place to put the attachments. There's a pedestal for one, but when I put one of the brushes up there, it still fell off. I got a boo-boo on my foot.

Still, this vacuum is a PLEASURE to use! I put the Red Devil away and am using this sucker a few times a week just because it's fun. Reviewers on Amazon had said that you don't know how dirty your house is until you get the Shark Navigator and I believe it! It's picking up stuff I didn't know was in the carpets.

Take a look at it here on Amazon, but check out the price at Walmart where it was much cheaper. Seriously, again, I am cleaning the house much more often because the vacuum is fun to use. Apparently pigs do fly! 

Thanks for reading!   My daughter has decided she wants a voodoo doll.  It's still playing out, so please check back in with me.  This should be interesting, folks! 

The Bad Cook's 9 Best Homemade Air Fresheners

As I said my previous post, I am not a good cook, which is why my husband has dubbed me Salmonella Sally. Yeah, real supportive, Dear. Anyway, because of my tendency to use the smoke alarm as a dinner bell, I've become somewhat creative at masking the smell of burned food. Why buy air fresheners, which contain oodles of chemicals, when you can make your own with a minimum amount of effort at a fraction of the cost?


Now, some websites will tell you to simmer a mixture of fruits and seasonings on the stove. I've got enough to remember without thinking about something new on the stove. And, honestly, with my luck, I'll burn the air freshener which is trying to mask the odor of burned food and then have to mask the odor of the burned air freshener. I am, therefore, eschewing anything you have to actively watch in favor of less, shall we say, active recipes. This includes scented candles, which are particularly attractive to our very curious feline, and using the crock pot for simmering scents; sorry, but my crock pot is too busy feeding the family to be used as an air freshener.


So now, dear reader, I present (drumroll, please): The Bad Cook's 9 Best Homemade Air Fresheners.  I've divided them up into two categories:  room sprays and non-sprays.  Please remember to always keep any kind of air freshener away from small children and label the bottles/jars so you know what's in them.  


Room Sprays 


Recipe 1: Combine 1 teaspoon each of baking soda and lemon juice with 2 cups of water. This mixture will fizz a bit; when it's done, stir it well and pour into a spray bottle that sprays a fine mist. Spray smelly areas two or three times a day. This is my favorite air freshener for when I've burned something and company is coming. I keep a bottle of this near the cat's litter box and spray it every time I see Cossette leave her “potty.” Another benefit: spray this before someone comes in and they'll think you've cleaned the house! That's especially true if you substitute pine oil for the lemon juice.


Recipe 2: Add 10 to 20 drops of essential oil (use one or a combo of two or three) to a clean spray bottle that's filled with 3 parts of water to 1 part of cheap vodka. Apparently the ethanol in the vodka dilutes the oil to make it easier to spray. Great for bathrooms, bedrooms, and for gatherings in which you've served chili.


Non-Sprays


1. Fill a container with plain white rice (not instant) and add a few drops of oil.
2. Fill several small dishes with white vinegar or coffee grounds. Yep – that's it. Leave it overnight.  This works really well when you've burned microwave popcorn or for especially pungent odors.  
3. Use foam peanuts and add a few drops of essential oil or spray with remnants of perfume. Even better, the next time you're served coffee in those styrofoam cups, shred the cup, put the pieces in a clean jar, add oil, and use it as an air freshener.
4. Place a few cotton balls in a bowl and add essential oils.
5. Buy sprigs of eucalyptus and place in vases around the house.
6. Grab some cheap felt from the craft store, cut into shapes (heart, flowers) and poke a hole through; then add a ribbon (so you can hang it) and add a few drops of oil. Great for the house, in the porch, closet, or in the car.
7. Fill a dish or clean jar with ¼ of a cup of baking soda and add 8 or so drops of essential oil. If you're using a jar, poke a few holes in the lid to release the smell.


Lastly, I've seen tutorials on making your home smell fresh by putting vanilla extra or oil on light bulbs but, honestly, I'm not sure either method is 100% safe; somehow, putting something on a piece of glass that gets hot just doesn't feel right to me. And there are ways to make homemade gel air fresheners. I didn't include them here because, after all, I am the Lazy Mom and, in my humble opinion, they require too much effort. However, here's a great “how to” should you feel so inclined: http://www.instructables.com/id/Homemade-Air-Freshener-Gel.


People form a first impression of you based on their sensory experience and that includes smell. Plus, there's something nice about coming home to a house that smells pleasant and not like last night's fish dinner. I hope the ideas above help make your surroundings far more pleasing to your nose!  Happy sniffing! 


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As always, thanks for reading! Please check back in with me in a day or two for Chinese New Year craft ideas!

Happily Terminated

“You’re fired!”  Those were not the words of an employer.  In business, people usually have the good sense to cushion such announcements in euphemisms in the hopes that the employee doesn’t go postal.  No, those words were uttered by my fearless husband.

He was not, thank goodness, firing me as his wife.  He was terminating my services as his laundress.  After months of wearing pink socks and having clothes come out of the wash “dirtier than when they went in” he had decided to do his own laundry.  At least his own visible work-related laundry.  You know, shirts, socks, and pants.  I would still have the honor (yea me!) of washing his skanky underwear and stained, usually ancient, workout clothes.

Months later, I was also fired from mopping the kitchen floor.  Evidently I was not making the floors shine to his liking.  I thought wet-Swiffing was fine.  Not in hubby’s book.  Now, on Friday nights after work, he rolls up his sleeves and mops the kitchen.

I've also received a "Cease and Desist" or as it pertains to my dusting.  Sir Spotless (one of the cleaner  names I mutter underneath my breath when he criticizes my efforts at cleaning) said I “tickle” the dust.  Woe is me!  Once again, I’ve failed at something and he’s taken over.

Who’s the fool here?

I never intended to give him more work.  I’m just not as, um, fastidious as he is.  My sense of clean is a bit looser.  I may be a home-maker, but I am not a house cleaner.  I do, however, pick up around the house; if I didn’t, we’d be up to our tushies in dirt and clutter.

And, no, it’s not fair that the man valiantly works 50+ hours per week and then does much of the housekeeping, but remember:  in his opinion, I wasn’t doing it up to his standards.  He voluntarily took on the work; I did not ask him to.

I keep my living room quite clean and the bathrooms are tidy.  I pester the kids to keep their rooms orderly (the 8-year old is on board; the 13-year old is, predictably, not).  The kitchen is a constant struggle for me as is the den because those rooms are used more than any others.  The playroom is supposed to be messy, right?  I mean, it’s the kids’ domain.  And yeah, my bedroom could use some help, but I am certainly NOT the embodiment of Charles Schultz’s Pig Pen.

Nor is my husband Felix Unger.  The top of his bureau is cluttered and the front seat of his car is downright sloppy.  To his credit, in light of our kids, he has relaxed his standards a bit.

But, alack and alas, there are still things I don’t do well (sniffle, sniffle).  Of course when one of the kids vomits, I’m the one he calls.  He’ll admit I’m a pro at getting rid of vomit stains (Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?  Leave the vomit on the frickin’ wall?!).  And when there’s a bug to kill and clean up, I’m your woman.

I just don’t do laundry, mop, or dust well.  I could blame it on menopausal fatigue, but the truth is, I've always been this way.  So my husband has chosen to take over, to do what I, apparently cannot. Hmmmmm……sometimes, it’s good to be fired.




Note:  A version of this post originally appeared on Jersey Moms Blog on 7/17/10.