What To Do With The Tooth Fairy's Collection Of Teeth

With two kids, the Tooth Fairy has been at my house a lot over the last ten years. In fact, she came the other night after my 10-year old begged me to yank her latest loose tooth. I've been collecting these pearly whites in envelopes for years and it begs the question:

What does the Tooth Fairy do once she has all of a kid's teeth?

What will the tooth fairy do with this tooth?

I polled the 2,350 members of my Mothers' Loop and here's what they said:

• Put them in envelopes with the kid's name; some people listed the date the kid lost the tooth.
  
  
• Put them in a baby jar.
  
  
• Hide them in a drawer.
  
  
• Throw them out.
  
  
• Put them in the Tooth Fairy Bank, a specially-made, showpiece-quality receptacle that has individual compartments for each tooth. You can even list the date the tooth was lost. Learn more about it here.

The Tooth Fairy is a'coming!

If they're “fresh” enough, you can save them to treat diseases later in life (like you would do with a child's umbilical chord). Learn more about procedure, which must be done pretty quickly after the tooth has come out, here.

For me, throwing the baby teeth out feels wrong. These pearls are a part of my kids' babyhood. I guess I could put one or two in their scrapbook. I may even put one from each kid in a locket.  In any case, I'm going to keep them, at least until the kids' grow up.   I want to show them how tiny their baby teeth were. These small relics are tangible evidence of the fleeting, magical time when my kids were (and one still is) little.

What are YOU going to do with your child's baby teeth?  

 

ParentingWithCancer.com – An Invaluable Site If You're A Parent Who Has Cancer

Photo By Daniel Danzico

“You have cancer.” Those are words no one wants to hear, let alone a parent with small children. Yet, Jen Singer heard those words when she was diagnosed with stage three non-Hodgkin's lymphoma in 2007. This mother of two young sons tried to steer her kids through her rounds of chemotherapy and radiation while looking for a comprehensive reference place for parents to find helpful information. When she couldn't find either books or a website that provided what she was looking for, she swore that if she made it to remission, she would start such a site.

That's how ParentingWithCancer.com came to be. It's “the place where moms and dads can go to find out how to tell their children the words they never thought they’d have to say, 'I have cancer.'” It discusses the initial diagnosis, the emotions the family will deal with, treatments the patient may face, and life changes that will need to be made. The site provides a safe place where people can share their stories and seeks to reassure parents and kids going through this ordeal that you are not alone.

Ms. Singer's website contains several sections, among them:

• A Parent's Section, which tells the personal stories of parents who had cancer and how they dealt with having a family and navigating the illness.
• A Spouses & Caregivers' Section, with even more personal stories about cancer patients and their loved ones. I especially liked the posting on Why Protecting Your Kids From Your Cancer Can Hurt Them.
• A section For Children, which contains postings like My Parent Had Cancer And It Really Sucked and When Mom Or Dad Has Cancer

The site also contains a Reference page of invaluable resources you may not find anywhere else.

ParentingWithCancer.com tackles conversations you might not want to have, but once you have cancer, will need to. It helps patients face, head on, topics that may appear taboo and provides courage and guidance when those topics need to be addressed. Ms. Singer's site is invaluable to anyone facing a diagnosis of cancer and their loved ones as well. Check it out, bookmark it, and then pass it along to someone who might need it. 

Note:  This article first appeared on www.thegeekparent.com.  

Teen Central Net: A Safe, Anonymous Website For Teens

It seems that every day we, as parents, are warned about the dangers facing teens on the Internet. Rare is it that you hear about a positive site aimed at these kids. I'm proud to have found one: TeenCentral (www.teencentral.net). This website is sponsored by KidsPeace, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping children in crisis. It allows kids to post anonymously, was developed by experts in teen counseling and psychology, is professionally monitored, and provides “a password-protected, safe cyberspace for teens to work out their issues.”

Teens have a lot of options here: from writing their own stories (anonymously), to listening to teen podcasts, and exploring and learning about topics like:

• Bullying
• How To Quit Smoking
• Alcohol Awareness
• Growing Up Military
• Interfaith (where kids can learn about different faiths)
• Domestic Violence
• Dating Violence
• Weight Issues

One of the coolest features is the Search-O-Matic where young adults can search by a keyword. So, for example, if a teen types in the word “parents,” any teen stories that feature “parents” comes up. These could be stories about parents favoring one child over another, divorce, parents who promised music lessons but didn't follow through, etc.

Kids can also share videos on Teen Central, however they are warned that because the site values anonymously and safety, it will “not post any video that contains your actual name, where you live or any contact information such as email address or phone numbers.” Furthermore, they stress that “if you submit a video that you are visible in, people will see your face and therefore will be able to identify you.”

There's also a section called Just Ask Me that features a series of videos called “More Than Just Sex” and was created by Community Healthcare Network's Teens P.A.C.T. program in New York City. These videos are targeted to empower teens to make positive decisions, create social change, and positively impact the rates of teen pregnancy, STD's and HIV.

Lastly, the site features links to national and international help lines, thus ensuring that help for troubled teens is only a phone call away.

Kids can register on TeenCentral for free in order to gain full access to the entire site. Since it's interactive, it stores what they tell it and customizes topics to their life. BUT since it's totally anonymous, teens can feel free to share what's going on in their lives and because email addresses are not given, no one can track the kids down or spam them.

Pass this website’s address on to a teen you love. And if you'd like to learn more about KidsPeace, visit http://www.kidspeace.org.

--

Note:  This article first appeared on the website www.thegeekparent.com.  Visit me there!

Ah, The Stupid Things People Say

(Note: This is Post #3 in my series celebrating National Adoption Month. In my 11/1/13 entry, I

The doll I made & sent to my baby in China.  She thinks it's creepy.

discussed how my family's journey to international adoption began and how we received the news about our precious daughter. On 11/8/13, I described the amazing day our daughter came home and recommended sites for adoption gifts.)


People don't always say the smartest things; sadly, they may not even realize how flagrantly asinine what they're saying is or how intrusive they're being. Once my amazing daughter was home, I became acutely aware of the ignorance spouting from people's lips, especially as it pertained to her. Fortunately, I don't carry a 2'x4', otherwise, those people would have been flattened instantly.


As promised, here are some of those comments and questions. Note: Most of the things you're about to read have come from a family member who has absolutely no clue as to how rude her comments were and, even after we pointed them out, disagreed that they were inappropriate. As I said, some people just don't get it.

• “Who's her real mother?” - I am. There's a perception that only the person who actually gave birth to a baby is the child's actual mother, but that's just not so. There are plenty of women who pop out a child who have no interest in either keeping it or taking care of it; there are some who treat their children, no matter where they came from, poorly. A mother, or a mother figure, is the female who raises you is there for you, day and night, no matter what. She is a woman who wants you and loves you completely. Yes, someone else gave birth to my daughter, but I am her mother. Plain and simple.
  
• “Of course she likes Chinese food. It's in her blood.” - This was said after we described how my baby enjoyed her first visit to a local Chinatown. I didn't realize that just because you're a native of a certain country, you're wired to enjoy that culture's food (yes, this is sarcastic).
  
• “She's going to be very good at math.” - Ah, yes, the stereotypes. They cause me to roll my eyes and practice my Lamaze breathing. If my daughter is bright, it's because she's innately intelligent and, hopefully, we're cultivating that intelligence. Being Chinese has nothing to do with it.
  
• “She's a china doll.” - I take less offense to this generalization, but still don't like it. If you know my little Fireball (her nickname for herself), you know she may look delicate on the outside, but inside she's the most determined, fiery child on the planet.
  
• “How much did she cost?” - Yep, a total stranger asked me this one day when I was sitting on a park bench watching my daughter play. I was, at first, speechless; thank God I do not carry the aforementioned 2'x4'. I thought about walking away, but instead bit my tongue and patiently explained to the Neanderthal that my child is adopted, not purchased. Yes, there are fees inherent in the adoption process just as one pays medical bills when one is pregnant and gives birth. Monies paid go to ensure that the adoptive parents are worthy of a child and can provide for it.
  
• “You're a saint for adopting a child.” - Thanks, but I'm not. My husband and I wanted a child. We had one. Simple.

As I've said before, I have two children and there's no disparity in the love I have for each of them. Yet, when I look at them I do see differences, but not because of the way they look. It's because each has individual strengths and is beautiful in his/her own way. They have their own mannerisms and expressions. Each is his/her own person. I do not consider how they look, just who they are. I am thankful for each of them every day. It is only online that I sometimes distinguish that one is biological and one is adopted. Why?


Because I want to encourage people to ask questions, especially if they're considering adding to their family. I want people stop thinking that love is automatically linked to bloodlines. I want people to consider adoption as a realistic option for building a family.


Adopting through our agency, CCAI, introduced us to a large group of people I am extremely grateful for. Our adoption group still communicates through Facebook and holiday cards, and a few years ago, we met with 10 of those families for a reunion at a resort in South Carolina. That vacation of a lifetime allowed my daughter to see friends she'd known before she met me and, since I didn't make that trip to the Far East, permitted me to meet some of those parents. What an amazing, joyful trip!


We also see two of those families who live within driving distance every year. It's important for my kids to see bi-racial families like us and it always strikes me how alike our girls are. We have some incredible people in our life thanks to adoption.


I asked my daughter the other day what she thinks of adoption. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “people think I'm special.” We talked about the fact that she is, not because of where she came from but because of who she is. She told me about other kids she knows who are adopted and asked when we're going to see her CCAI “sisters” again. We looked at her baby pictures and she recounted stories we've told her over the years of some of her infant antics. Then she snuggled into me. “MY mommy,” she whispered.


Yes, my love, I am your mommy. People may not say the smartest things, but we know the truth. How we came together doesn't matter. Our hearts are joined together as only a mother and child can be.


–


Here are some really cool websites that will help you or someone you know talk intelligently about adoption without, hopefully, offending anyone:


Parents Magazine has this wonderful adoption primer entitled 10 Questions Not To Ask Adoptive Parents (http://www.parents.com/parenting/adoption/parenting/10-questions-not-to-ask-adoptive-parents.


“What Not To Say To An Adoptive Mom” (http://mom.me/parenting/109-10-things-not-to-say-to-an-adoptive-parent) appears on the website mom.me. This article, written by Vanessa McCrady, is terrific and generated some interesting comments.


“What Not To Say To Adoptive Parents” (http://www.iamnotthebabysitter.com/what-not-to-say-to-adoptive-parents) appears on this website written by a parent in a transracial family. The funniest thing I find about being in a transracial family is that I forget the family is transracial! 


–

In my next post celebrating National Adoption Month, I'll review some of the adult and children's books I've read about adoption. Please join me again, won't you?

Sometimes I Hide

I am on the floor of the bathroom. The door is locked and I am playing Word Weasel on my phone. I am hiding from the 8-year old. Despite having thousands of dollar worth of toys in her room, she is unable to play by herself. We had fun today, playing 20 games of Trouble (she won them all), drawing, reading, and playing at least eight games of Hullabaloo (the GREATEST kids' game ever invented!  Find out why below.). I'm tired. She's been needy today.  Despite my begging

her to play by herself, I'd finally had it. She worked my last nerve, so I took refuge in the only room with a lock – the bathroom.

Moments like this used to throw me when I had only one child. I used to retreat to the bathroom is a storm of frustration and tears, swearing that I was THE WORST MOTHER WHO EVER LIVED. Now, after 13 years of parenting, I understand that I am normal and I am sure there is at least one other mother going through the same thing at this very moment.

Parenting is fun and wonderful and bittersweet, with the growing realization that the kids will only be little once and will, someday, not need you. Today is not the day. Diva has not been able to spend one minute without me; she has also worn down the patience of her father, who is in his office paying bills and is not to be disturbed. She knows better than to pester her teenage brother who is on Skype with his friends. So, once again, she's after me.

“Moooooommmmmmy!” The wail comes from downstairs. My daughter is neither sick nor hurt. She is frustrated because I am not at her beck and call. The sound comes closer and closer (cue in the suspenseful horror movie music). I sigh; my peace is about to come to an end. “Mommy! Come out here!” she demands. I tell her no, Mom is in a time-out. “I need my space,” I tell her. Predictably, this is not received well. She's now yelling and banging on the door. The tantrum escalates. I hold my ground. I am NOT coming out.

Suddenly it gets quiet. I'm not worried. As I said, there are two other people in this house so if there really was a problem, she could easily go to them. A slip of paper touches my foot. “You are mean,” it says. Well, at least she's in touch with her feelings. “Write on it,” she demands. I will not engage. I hear her outside the door, scribbling on paper she has pilfered from Daddy's office. More paper comes under the door. I am expecting more declarations of anger, perhaps even an “I hate you” note. Instead, the paper reads, “I really, really, really, really” with an arrow indicating that I should flip the paper to the other side; the flip side reads “really, really love you.”

I know she does. I'm filled with happiness because she knows, without a doubt, that I love her, too. We've played this scenario out many times and I've reiterated that Mommy loves her; Mommy just needs time to herself. My daughter does not take it personally. She continues to scribble love notes to me, while I breathe and play my game by myself. In a moment, I'll come out. My self-imposed time out will be over and we'll go on to paint with water colors and get ready for school tomorrow.

Another Mommy Storm passes. I unlock the bathroom door, smile at my beautiful daughter who hugs me, and take her hand. The refugee is out and I know that I am indeed, just another, normal mom.

–

I mentioned the game Hullabaloo. I bought the game years ago, when my son was in preschool and am convinced, as I said above, that it's THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED FOR LITTLE KIDS! It's so simple that they can play it on their own, with friends of all ages. The game consists of different colored and shaped pads you place on the floor and a main “console” with one button that plays clear-cut instructions. Basically, you go from pad to pad; sometimes you dance on the pad, other times you contort into Twister-like positions or pretend you're playing a musical instrument, etc. The unit goes off if the kids haven't played it in a while. I used to carry it in my car because if the kids ever got bored at a relative's house or were on a playdate that they didn't get along with, I could whip it out. The game can be played indoors or out and I've even used it at parties. Today I found it in the closet and Diva, her teenage-brother, and I played it for at least an hour.

Listen up: if you have kids 9 or younger (preschool age), you MUST GET THIS GAME! It will save your sanity – trust me!

Notes From "Get Out Of My Life" - "The Road Map For The Rocky Road Of Teenage Life"

When my local municipal alliance offered a free presentation entitled "Get Out Of My Life But First Will You Drive Me And Cheryl To The Mall?" which the flyer also billed as "The Road Map For The Rocky Road Of Teenage Life" I jumped at the chance to go.  See, lately my conversations with The Teen have consisted of me harping on him to get off the computer and admonitions to "please stop treating your sister like a rag doll."  I definitely needed some help talking to my teen.

My teen who is making my life a bit rocky these days.

The presentation was given by Dr. Anthony Wolf who wrote the "Get Out Of My Life" book and is a famous author and clinical psychologist, blah, blah, blah.  As it turns out, he's also a wonderfully engaging speaker who, in the course of the evening, illustrated his points with stories about typical teens.  I swear that one of them described, almost verbatim, an argument we'd had with The Boy just the previous night.  Here are my notes from Dr. Wolf's presentation:


I.  You cannot understand how difficult it is to parent a teen until you are actually in the situation where you are parenting a teen.  You just can't anticipate what it's like.  They wear you down and even though you set limits, you will probably wind up with a different set of limits just because they've pushed you farther than you thought you'd go.  To clarify, you may draw the line in the sand one place  and one day you look down and you're astonished to see that the line is actually a bit further than you'd originally intended.



II.  Parenting today requires more skill because fear is not a weapon anymore.  Parenting is historically different than ever before.  In previous generations, hitting kids kept them fearful of their parents.  Thanks to a wonderful revolution in child rearing practices, we now understand that this is unacceptable, unhealthy and perpetuates the cycle of physical abuse.  So kids today know there is a line that parents will not cross and they are not afraid of their parents. And how do children who are not afraid of parents behave?  They argue, ask why, talk back, etc. 



III.  We all have two modes of operation.

   A.  Baby Self - When we are at home, we regress into an immature state in which we unwind, relax, want our needs met, and tolerate zero stress.  In this mode, we have no patience and if we don't feel like doing something, we just don't do it.  We can be bratty.  Our Baby Self is important because it enables us to get the nurturing we need.  Because of this, we are very protective of this Baby Self.  When Baby Self does not get it's way, it will carry on and on in its frustrated state.  It cannot move on or let go and, more than anything else, does not want to change.

   B.  Mature Self - This is the state when we are outside our homes, in the professional, social, or school world.  Our Mature Self is able to delay gratification, has self-control, is patient, etc.  This is the self your child's teacher knows (and the one you cannot believe exists). 

Many of us go into Baby Self mode when we're at home.  I don't think Moms do because we have to HANDLE the various Baby Selves.

IV.  The selves operate at different times (my analogy:  like a car, shifting gears depending on where we are, who we are with, etc.).  Your child, at school, is his/her Mature Self, but when they arrive at home, they regress into their Baby Self.

   A.  The mere physical presence of a parent can bring out a kid's Baby Self.

   B.  The Baby Self can also come out for someone who is nurturing and sees the kid daily (i.e. a grandparent, nanny, close friend, etc.).

   C.  Two parents with the exact same parenting style may see each of the selves at different times.  For example, if Mom is the primary caregiver, she may see the Baby Self, while Dad, who comes home mostly at night, sees the Mature Self.  So things the Teen won't do for Mom (because he's in Baby Self mode), he might do for Dad (when the teen is in Mature Self mode).

   D.  Which self is the better indicator of who the child will grow up to be?  The Mature Self.


V.  Kids automatically become their Mature Self because that is the next stage of development.    As they mature, they stay in Mature Self longer and shift into Baby Mode a little later.


VI.  The best way to deal with your child when he/she is in Baby Self mode:

   A.  Decide Fast  What You Want To Do - Be flexible, but when your blood pressure rises (seriously), move onto the next step.  If you can't decide what to do, say "I'll think about it and get back to you later."  Example is forthcoming in these notes.  When setting a limit, the basis of parental authority is that you are their parent and they are stuck with you; that's the fact.  Kids hate that, but it's the truth.

   B.  Stand Firm - Pick and choose your battles, but once you make a decision, you must see your decision through to the end.  Don't let the Baby Self bully you into surrendering. 

   C.  Disengage - Do this fast because Baby Self will provoke you; remember - it can't let go, so you must.  If you want to deal with an issue brought up during the provocation, do so at a later, neutral time.  Disengaging reinforces itself for the parent since the parent is in control.  If the kid follows you around, become like a robot:  emotionless.  If you disengage, you win because you're teaching the child you will not deal with them when they are irrational (as my husband says, "I won't deal with you when you're behaving like a terrorist.)

Example from my own life (which my husband apparently has been doing brilliantly and intuitively):

- He wants Junior to get off the computer, so he decides what he wants, communicates it, and is flexible ("Please get off at 9:15."  Junior negotiates, Dad compromises, and they agree on 9:30.)
- At 9:30, Junior is still not off.  Dad stands firm while my son argues; he tells the kid if he doesn't get off, he will lose his electronics for one day.  Junior, in Baby Mode, starts to emotionally escalate the situation with yelling, screaming, etc.  Dad stays firm and closes the laptop.
- Junior is still carrying on, so Dad orders him to his room (disengages) and says they can discuss this further when the boy is calm.  After Junior is physically spent from all the arguing, Dad goes in and has a calm discussion with him.  Junior is still ticked and has lost his electronics for a day, but the next night, there is NO battle over this issue!

Disengaging from a battling teen is hard and stressful!

VII.  Adolescence is the coming together of major developmental changes in a very short period of time. 

   A.  Physical

   B.  Cognitive (they understand more)

   C.  Sexual (they become sexual beings)

   D.  A sort of dependency paradox (my phrase, not Dr. Wolf's) where the feelings of love-attachment-dependence that they used to find comforting, no longer fit.  They're tired of being dependent and find it no longer acceptable.

  
VIII.  There is a shift in the Parent-Teen relationship.

   A.  A parent walking into a room - not even speaking - can unconsciously and automatically make a teen feel uncomfortable.

  B.  For a parent, adolescence can feel like a loss because the kid they once knew before is no longer there.  He/she has changed into someone else.

  C.  Most adolescents develop a "temporary allergy" to their parents in which they feel repelled by them.  This is also a universal state which is expressed by:
        1.  Teenage boys - will retreat to deal with their emotional independence.  They do not seek support or open up to anyone.  In this Age Of The Internet, however, some may find a girl friend to talk to online which allows them to receive positive support without getting too close.
        2.  Teenage girls - declare their independence by screaming in the parent's face.  This is a much healthier way to deal with the "parental allergy" since they maintain emotional contact with parents and use them for support.


IX.  A parent can deal with this shifting relationship.

   A.  Give hugs, no matter uncomfortable it makes the teen feel (and it will).  As much as they shirk it, hugs help repel the nastiness.  They may know they're nasty, be unhappy with it, but are unable to change it.  Hugs tell them you love them no matter how horrid they're behaving.

  B.  Be upbeat.  When they're grouchy, you remain pleasant.  Feel free to pretend to be a benevolent idiot.  At this age, they think you are anyway.

  C.  The unspoken joke
         1.  From the parent's perspective:  I know you can't stand me, but I also understand this is a stage you're going through and it's not personal.  I love you no matter what.
         2.  From the kid's perspective:  My parents can rise above my nastiness and love me no matter what.

We'll survive adolescence, they'll move on...

X..  There is an unbridgeable gap between parents and teens; their limits are not yours.
   A.  There is a big disparity between what parents think their kids are capable of and what they, in fact, are capable of.  For example, you may find out later than while you thought they didn't have friends over while you were out when they actually did. 
   B.  They will sneak, lie, and bend the truth because they don't always know the boundaries of safety (my words, not the Doctor's). 
  C.  You must be skeptical of what they're telling you because what they're actually doing may be far different than what you think they're doing.  My example:  your child said he was going to a friend's house, and he did, but what he didn't tell you was that there were girls hanging out over there as well.


XI.  Adolescence eventually ends.
   A.  To see if your kid will be okay, look at yourself.  If you have been a good, loving parent who has mostly enforced the rules you set out, odds are that your kid will be fine. 

Again, these are purely my notes and my understanding of what Dr. Wolf said.  For more information on the doctor and his work, visit:

www.anthonywolf.com - This is Dr. Wolf's official site and if you click on Feature Articles, you can read excepts from some of his books.  One point I got from one of his stories:  Parental lectures do nothing but make the parent feel better.  They do very little to correct the behavior of the teen.

www.parentingteenslonline.com  - This is an "information resource for parents and teenagers" and there' a section entitled "Expert Answers: from Dr. Anthony Wolf."  I don't believe he's the only expert on this site, but I know he apparently did answer some questions about teens on here at one time.  In any case, in tooling around the site, it does seem to be a excellent one that I'll be bookmarking for future reference.

~~

What's working for you in dealing with your adolescent?  Please share!  And thank you for visiting my blog!