Gift Suggestions For A Woman Going Through Menopause

Menopause can be a particularly stressful time for a woman. Much as in adolescence, her body is doing some crazy, unexpected things and her hormones are, shall we say, wonky.  So what can you get her that, hopefully, won't get you hit with a 2'x4' or worse? Here are some suggestions:

1. A LARGE reusable water bottle. Hot flashes may come fast and furious. Those of  us in this phase of life get thirsty! A pretty, easy-to-clean water bottle is a practical, thoughtful gift that doesn't scream, “Hey, Honey! I see you're going through The Change.” Everyone drinks water these days and this gift is just plain thoughtful. I
   

   

   These re-usable water bottles are pretty & practical!

   found the ones in the photo in my local grocery store.
   
2. Green Tea With Gingko & Ginseng. This phase of life can make a woman a bit forgetful. Various studies have indicated that green tea is one of the healthiest beverages you can drink and Salada's Brain Boost tea contains ginkgo (which is supposed to be good for memory) and ginseng (which allegedly boosts energy). I buy it at my local grocery store but Amazon also sells a similar product.
   
3. Fitness Equipment. Exercise is great for all aspects of health, so give her a piece of equipment she'll like. Just be sure to emphasize that you're giving her the equipment for the health benefits since she's already at the perfect weight. Honestly, I'm asking for WiiFit this holiday season because I'm tired of the few pieces of equipment I have.  It will also be be good for the whole family.
   
4. Something With A Lavender Fragrance. Whether it's a cologne spray, oil, or moisturizer, lavender has been proven to have a calming effect on the nervous system. Try getting her a small bottle of moisturizer and if she likes it, buy her more – stat!
   
5. A Small, Portable Fan. As I said, hot flashes can come at any time. Having a small, hand-held fan at the ready is mighty nice. When giving it to the lady, explain that some environments, even in the winter, can be warmer than others and you want her to be comfortable, no matter where she is.
   
6. Food. Unfortunately, the same foods one craves during menopause (like caffeine, alcohol, and sugary and spicy foods) can trigger hot flashes. You do not, however, want to get between a female and her craving! Buy her an “emergency” basket of coffee and/or chocolate that she can munch on at will.
   
7. Clothes made from moisture wicking material. When your temperature varies, having clothes that you can wear in layers that also carry moisture away from your skin help. To learn more about fabrics that wick moisture, visit www.wisegeek.com/what-is-wicking-material.htm. You can find clothes with this material at stores like Dick's Sporting Goods, Sports Authority, and even Sears.com which carries some office-worthy pieces. For moisture wicking night gowns, visit www.onestopmenopauseshop.com/product-category/gifts-fro-menopausal-women.
   
8. Tickets to Menopause The Musical. There's a reason this “celebration of women and the change” is a worldwide hit. Whether it's a professional or amateur production, buy her tickets and give her the option of going with friends or with you. Learn more at www.menopausethemusical.com.

In researching products for this post, I came across several sites that carry “humorous” gifts for the menopausal woman. I didn't include them in the body of the post because my goal is to help you choose a gift that won't cause a rift between you and the lady in question and because I wanted to list thoughtful items that, hopefully, won't get you hurt. Some of the sites contain genuinely cute things, but personally, I wouldn't want to advertise to the world via a t-shirt that I was going through The Change. Nevertheless, if you'd like to take a look at some of this merchandise, the links are:


http://www.cafepress.com/+menopause+gifts
http://www.zazzle.com/menopause+gifts
http://www.minniepauz.com/merchandise.html


There are also sites that list various “remedies” for menopause; one of them is www.wellbaskets.com/mehe.html. Amazon sells a similar basket at www.amazon.com/Deluxe-Menopause-Gift-Basket-Women/dp/B00147R2MM.


Again, if you're choosing a gift to address this phase of a woman's life, present while you let her know you're honestly trying to help. Be gentle and loving. Happy gifting!


–


Thank you for visiting this site! Please come back again soon!

The Sweetest Woman With Altzheimer's

This is my Aunt Winnie:

My aunt, watching my daughter bounce around.  She is not amused.

She's a remarkable woman who was born in 1921 in the small town of Keyapaha, South Dakota and moved to New York City when she was in her 20s to pursue her dream of becoming a hairdresser. She met and married my uncle Al when she was in her late 20s and the two of them had a wonderful life.. When he lost part of his leg due to diabetes, she didn't whimper and complain about being his sole caretaker. She did what she had to do – took care of him. When he died a few years ago, I was afraid she would wither away without him, but she didn't. Even as she turned 90, Aunt Winnie plugged away, taking her shopping cart out periodically for the city-block walk to the nearby grocery store. Every time I called and asked how she was, she'd say, “Pretty good, for an old bird.” Visiting her was always a pleasure because she was sweet, gracious, and the best damn cook I ever met in my life! She never asked for anything, even as she slowed down to a snail's pace, because she was a giver rather than a taker.


She still is. A fall destined her to live in a nursing home and soon after, it became crystal clear that she has Alzheimer's. Sure, she had always been forgetful, but the nurses at the home discovered sores that attested to the fact that she had been neglecting herself for a very long time. In addition, the nurses told me about “spells” she had been having, episodes of aggression. I could fathom it – Aunt Winnie was the most genteel woman I'd ever met. I visited her in the hospital where she had been sent to fight a bladder infection and when I mentioned that I'd heard she had hurt one of the hospital staff, she stared at me in disbelief and said, “I never in my life did such a thing. Why would they say that?” But reports from both nursing staff correlated. Over the last two years, I've heard more and more reports of that behavior with random residents of the nursing home asking me, “Are you her relative? Do you know what she's like?!”


Yes, I know. She's an intelligent woman, sweet and with a heart made of gold, who has lived a very long life. Altzheimer's has changed her.


When I started this piece, I thought that Winnie has dementia. But that would be inaccurate because dementia is not a specific disease; rather, it's a term that describes a series of symptoms which can include memory loss, trouble recognizing people, difficulty controlling moods or behaviors, and not keeping up personal care such as bathing. When my aunt is violent, she's exhibiting Alzheimer's aggression which indicates she's in the later stages of Alzheimer’s disease. According to www.webmd.com, “the person may become easily agitated, angry, and abusive -- often for no apparent reason. The person may curse, hurl insults, and scream. Though verbal assaults are more common than physical assaults, a person with Alzheimer’s disease may throw things or resist care by pushing and hitting.” No one knows for sure why these patients become aggressive, especially since it can come on without warning, but the nursing home staff quickly determined that my aunt cannot be alone for very long without these “spells” coming on.


A few factors can bring on aggression. And I've noticed that at certain times, if she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it, her frustration leads her to become belligerent, much like a toddler. Then she grunts, a signal that she's getting frustrated and bad things are about to happen. Gradually, she gets more and more agitated. Fortunately, the staff at her nursing home have learned how to calm her down and I've never seen a full-fledged aggressive attack. I know, too, that change throws her for a loop. The nurses told me that recently, when the home's Maintenance Department needed to keep her out of her room for a day while they waxed her floors, she went berserk, cursing, punching, screaming. Such is the way of Alzheimer's.


Yes, she's on medications to help control the aggression, but they don't always help. And who wants to be medicated all the time? The nursing home tries different behavioral strategies to help and her trained aides have been wonderful. On my part, shortly after she entered the nursing home, I made her a collage of some of her family and friends; I understand that collage has been great in helping with her memory since she can remember 70 years ago better than whether she had breakfast this morning. It's also served as a distraction when the staff needs to calm her down.


Visiting her, as I do on a regular basis, comforts the both of us. She may not know specifically who I am, but she knows I belong to her, that her care is being watched. By talking to the home's staff and her aides, I've come to understand some coping strategies that they use to reassure her, and that's made my visits a bit easier. I am vigilant, however, when I bring my kids. They're aware of the illness that afflicts my aunt but it's unpredictability keeps them on edge. When I see her starting to get agitated, I gently, but firmly escort them out of the room. Still, they know that visiting her is crucial, that it means a lot to me, and so they go.


Winnie is still an amazing woman. When she lunches in the dining room, she never fails to ask if I would like something from her plate. She delights in the photos and stories of my children. She animatedly tells tales of growing up in South Dakota in the 1920's and 1930's. My aunt's eyes light up when she talks about her mother, sisters, and brother, long departed, whom she still misses. She understands that she has lived a long life and still takes each day as it comes. And when I ask how she is, she still says, “Not bad for an old bird.”


–


The best Web resource I've found for understanding Altzheimer's, the progression of the disease, and the often baffling behaviors that accompany it, and a great group for support , is the Altzheimer's Association site at http://www.alz.org. It's a very interactive site that offers a wealth of information with links to local chapter of the group, links to professionals and clinical studies, a 24/7 helpline
(1/800-272-3900) and more.


If you suspect that a friend or family member might be suffering from this heartbreaking disease, please visit this site.

Some Of My Favorite Menopause Jokes

At a bar mitzvah yesterday, the woman next to me asked what I do for a living.  When I explained that I'm a blogger and gave her the name of this site, she immediately launched into her own story of hot flashes and mayhem.  We also began trading menopause jokes.  In honor of another sister in menopause, here are some of my favorite jokes about The Change Of Life:

"Mom Having A Hot Flash" by the 8-year old

• If prison wardens were all menopausal women, crime would not exist.
• Trusting a menopausal woman to control her emotions is like trusting a tornado to mow your lawn.
• One way to make living with a menopausal woman easier is to pretend she was abducted by aliens and replaced by an imposter. But don't let her know or you'll be wishing aliens would abduct you.
• Where do 50-something people look for fashionable glasses?  Their foreheads.
• They're not hot flashes: they're power surges.
• What's the difference between a pit bull and a woman in menopause?  Lipstick.
• When is a smart man most likely to complain about the mood swings of his menopausal wife?  When she's not present.
• You know you have a menopausal brain when "getting lucky" means finding your car keys.
• If scientists ever find a cure for menopause, our big problem will suddenly become global cooling.
• What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? Keep very busy. 
   
   
  Thank you for reading!  Please come back again soon!
  
  
  
  
   
   

Notes From "Get Out Of My Life" - "The Road Map For The Rocky Road Of Teenage Life"

When my local municipal alliance offered a free presentation entitled "Get Out Of My Life But First Will You Drive Me And Cheryl To The Mall?" which the flyer also billed as "The Road Map For The Rocky Road Of Teenage Life" I jumped at the chance to go.  See, lately my conversations with The Teen have consisted of me harping on him to get off the computer and admonitions to "please stop treating your sister like a rag doll."  I definitely needed some help talking to my teen.

My teen who is making my life a bit rocky these days.

The presentation was given by Dr. Anthony Wolf who wrote the "Get Out Of My Life" book and is a famous author and clinical psychologist, blah, blah, blah.  As it turns out, he's also a wonderfully engaging speaker who, in the course of the evening, illustrated his points with stories about typical teens.  I swear that one of them described, almost verbatim, an argument we'd had with The Boy just the previous night.  Here are my notes from Dr. Wolf's presentation:


I.  You cannot understand how difficult it is to parent a teen until you are actually in the situation where you are parenting a teen.  You just can't anticipate what it's like.  They wear you down and even though you set limits, you will probably wind up with a different set of limits just because they've pushed you farther than you thought you'd go.  To clarify, you may draw the line in the sand one place  and one day you look down and you're astonished to see that the line is actually a bit further than you'd originally intended.



II.  Parenting today requires more skill because fear is not a weapon anymore.  Parenting is historically different than ever before.  In previous generations, hitting kids kept them fearful of their parents.  Thanks to a wonderful revolution in child rearing practices, we now understand that this is unacceptable, unhealthy and perpetuates the cycle of physical abuse.  So kids today know there is a line that parents will not cross and they are not afraid of their parents. And how do children who are not afraid of parents behave?  They argue, ask why, talk back, etc. 



III.  We all have two modes of operation.

   A.  Baby Self - When we are at home, we regress into an immature state in which we unwind, relax, want our needs met, and tolerate zero stress.  In this mode, we have no patience and if we don't feel like doing something, we just don't do it.  We can be bratty.  Our Baby Self is important because it enables us to get the nurturing we need.  Because of this, we are very protective of this Baby Self.  When Baby Self does not get it's way, it will carry on and on in its frustrated state.  It cannot move on or let go and, more than anything else, does not want to change.

   B.  Mature Self - This is the state when we are outside our homes, in the professional, social, or school world.  Our Mature Self is able to delay gratification, has self-control, is patient, etc.  This is the self your child's teacher knows (and the one you cannot believe exists). 

Many of us go into Baby Self mode when we're at home.  I don't think Moms do because we have to HANDLE the various Baby Selves.

IV.  The selves operate at different times (my analogy:  like a car, shifting gears depending on where we are, who we are with, etc.).  Your child, at school, is his/her Mature Self, but when they arrive at home, they regress into their Baby Self.

   A.  The mere physical presence of a parent can bring out a kid's Baby Self.

   B.  The Baby Self can also come out for someone who is nurturing and sees the kid daily (i.e. a grandparent, nanny, close friend, etc.).

   C.  Two parents with the exact same parenting style may see each of the selves at different times.  For example, if Mom is the primary caregiver, she may see the Baby Self, while Dad, who comes home mostly at night, sees the Mature Self.  So things the Teen won't do for Mom (because he's in Baby Self mode), he might do for Dad (when the teen is in Mature Self mode).

   D.  Which self is the better indicator of who the child will grow up to be?  The Mature Self.


V.  Kids automatically become their Mature Self because that is the next stage of development.    As they mature, they stay in Mature Self longer and shift into Baby Mode a little later.


VI.  The best way to deal with your child when he/she is in Baby Self mode:

   A.  Decide Fast  What You Want To Do - Be flexible, but when your blood pressure rises (seriously), move onto the next step.  If you can't decide what to do, say "I'll think about it and get back to you later."  Example is forthcoming in these notes.  When setting a limit, the basis of parental authority is that you are their parent and they are stuck with you; that's the fact.  Kids hate that, but it's the truth.

   B.  Stand Firm - Pick and choose your battles, but once you make a decision, you must see your decision through to the end.  Don't let the Baby Self bully you into surrendering. 

   C.  Disengage - Do this fast because Baby Self will provoke you; remember - it can't let go, so you must.  If you want to deal with an issue brought up during the provocation, do so at a later, neutral time.  Disengaging reinforces itself for the parent since the parent is in control.  If the kid follows you around, become like a robot:  emotionless.  If you disengage, you win because you're teaching the child you will not deal with them when they are irrational (as my husband says, "I won't deal with you when you're behaving like a terrorist.)

Example from my own life (which my husband apparently has been doing brilliantly and intuitively):

- He wants Junior to get off the computer, so he decides what he wants, communicates it, and is flexible ("Please get off at 9:15."  Junior negotiates, Dad compromises, and they agree on 9:30.)
- At 9:30, Junior is still not off.  Dad stands firm while my son argues; he tells the kid if he doesn't get off, he will lose his electronics for one day.  Junior, in Baby Mode, starts to emotionally escalate the situation with yelling, screaming, etc.  Dad stays firm and closes the laptop.
- Junior is still carrying on, so Dad orders him to his room (disengages) and says they can discuss this further when the boy is calm.  After Junior is physically spent from all the arguing, Dad goes in and has a calm discussion with him.  Junior is still ticked and has lost his electronics for a day, but the next night, there is NO battle over this issue!

Disengaging from a battling teen is hard and stressful!

VII.  Adolescence is the coming together of major developmental changes in a very short period of time. 

   A.  Physical

   B.  Cognitive (they understand more)

   C.  Sexual (they become sexual beings)

   D.  A sort of dependency paradox (my phrase, not Dr. Wolf's) where the feelings of love-attachment-dependence that they used to find comforting, no longer fit.  They're tired of being dependent and find it no longer acceptable.

  
VIII.  There is a shift in the Parent-Teen relationship.

   A.  A parent walking into a room - not even speaking - can unconsciously and automatically make a teen feel uncomfortable.

  B.  For a parent, adolescence can feel like a loss because the kid they once knew before is no longer there.  He/she has changed into someone else.

  C.  Most adolescents develop a "temporary allergy" to their parents in which they feel repelled by them.  This is also a universal state which is expressed by:
        1.  Teenage boys - will retreat to deal with their emotional independence.  They do not seek support or open up to anyone.  In this Age Of The Internet, however, some may find a girl friend to talk to online which allows them to receive positive support without getting too close.
        2.  Teenage girls - declare their independence by screaming in the parent's face.  This is a much healthier way to deal with the "parental allergy" since they maintain emotional contact with parents and use them for support.


IX.  A parent can deal with this shifting relationship.

   A.  Give hugs, no matter uncomfortable it makes the teen feel (and it will).  As much as they shirk it, hugs help repel the nastiness.  They may know they're nasty, be unhappy with it, but are unable to change it.  Hugs tell them you love them no matter how horrid they're behaving.

  B.  Be upbeat.  When they're grouchy, you remain pleasant.  Feel free to pretend to be a benevolent idiot.  At this age, they think you are anyway.

  C.  The unspoken joke
         1.  From the parent's perspective:  I know you can't stand me, but I also understand this is a stage you're going through and it's not personal.  I love you no matter what.
         2.  From the kid's perspective:  My parents can rise above my nastiness and love me no matter what.

We'll survive adolescence, they'll move on...

X..  There is an unbridgeable gap between parents and teens; their limits are not yours.
   A.  There is a big disparity between what parents think their kids are capable of and what they, in fact, are capable of.  For example, you may find out later than while you thought they didn't have friends over while you were out when they actually did. 
   B.  They will sneak, lie, and bend the truth because they don't always know the boundaries of safety (my words, not the Doctor's). 
  C.  You must be skeptical of what they're telling you because what they're actually doing may be far different than what you think they're doing.  My example:  your child said he was going to a friend's house, and he did, but what he didn't tell you was that there were girls hanging out over there as well.


XI.  Adolescence eventually ends.
   A.  To see if your kid will be okay, look at yourself.  If you have been a good, loving parent who has mostly enforced the rules you set out, odds are that your kid will be fine. 

Again, these are purely my notes and my understanding of what Dr. Wolf said.  For more information on the doctor and his work, visit:

www.anthonywolf.com - This is Dr. Wolf's official site and if you click on Feature Articles, you can read excepts from some of his books.  One point I got from one of his stories:  Parental lectures do nothing but make the parent feel better.  They do very little to correct the behavior of the teen.

www.parentingteenslonline.com  - This is an "information resource for parents and teenagers" and there' a section entitled "Expert Answers: from Dr. Anthony Wolf."  I don't believe he's the only expert on this site, but I know he apparently did answer some questions about teens on here at one time.  In any case, in tooling around the site, it does seem to be a excellent one that I'll be bookmarking for future reference.

~~

What's working for you in dealing with your adolescent?  Please share!  And thank you for visiting my blog!