Celebrating The Holidays When Your Family Is TINY

My family is TINY, as in just the four of us plus my mother and my mother-in-law. I usually don't think about it, but around the Holidays, when society's emphasis is on ALL THINGS FAMILY, I feel bad. We don't have large family gatherings with tons of people running around, my kids don't get loads of presents from relatives, and on special occasions, most of our friends want to be with their own relations, not us. Still, the reality is that until my kids get married and have children of their own, the family is not going to grow; in fact, since the two mothers are older, the clan is actually going to get smaller before it get bigger. 

Having a small family is a challenge around the Holidays...it makes me sad.

Coping with all of this pressure to have FAMILY has been a real challenge for me. Even though it's silly, I feel guilty that I can't give the kids more relatives. So my husband and I have come up with our own holiday traditions, fit for the interfaith family we are.

Hanukkah

Since my husband is Jewish, he's in charge of Hanukkah. We light the menorah and say the prayers every night. We've turned Hanukkah into The Literary Holiday by giving the kids books the first night only. Hubby hides the books, turning the gift-giving into a pseudo Scavenger Hunt by giving the kids hints as to where the books are. We have a special meal and continue to light the menorah whether my husband makes it home on time or not; it's important for the kids to know that I (the non-Jewish parent) respect Dad's tradition enough to carry through whether he's home or not. 

Pre-Christmas (Okay, so it's not a holiday, but it has become it's own materialistic season.)

Seymour (as in he "sees more")

Since I am a former Catholic and we're raising the children Unitarian Universalist (which embraces all religious traditions), we have a Christmas tree and TONS of decorations. Elf-On-A-Shelf came after Thanksgiving and he delights my daughter every day as he moves from place to place. My kids get stockings which Santa fills with little things like socks, which seem to consistently disappear, and sugar-free candy. Now for the two biggies:

Christmas Eve

First, we have a special Christmas Eve dinner, usually lasagna (my son's favorite), and the kids drink special sparkling apple cider out of plastic champagne glasses.

Later, we attend our church's Christmas Eve service for children. I fell in love with this years ago when my son was a baby. Our minister starts off by pointing out that God loves the sound of children, so we shouldn't worry about keeping the little ones quiet. He also tells the Nativity with the wee folk ages 6 and under coming up to the Sanctuary and acting the story out. When my kids were younger, they were angels and shepherds; I'm sad that they're too old to participate now, but it's still fun to watch.

Depending on how we're feeling, we may go to our town hall's free Christmas Light Show. Sometimes we drive around looking for extra-special house displays as well.

My daughter (who is 9) prepares the snacks for Santa and spends quite a bit of Christmas Eve making gifts for Santa and Mrs. Claus. She also says goodbye to her Elf who will be picked up by Santa when he comes later that night. 

Christmas Day

Yep, that's a bit smaller than our family - just a bit.

The first rule is that no one can go downstairs to look at the tree until EVERYONE is out of bed. We then go downstairs where Santa has given the kids three presents (the Wise Men gave Jesus three, so that's how many the kids get as well) and we have given them one. They also see what's in their stockings.

Everyone opens one present one at a time while we all watch. Then, while the kids enjoy their presents, either hubby or I make a special breakfast (he makes THE BEST OMELETS!).  Then my daughter and I start cooking for the grandmas while my husband goes to pick them up and Junior amuses himself.  Since the Nanas LOVE to eat, and must eat early, dinner is usually over long before 5PM, so we all sit down to watch a holiday movie (often, "It's A Wonderful Life"). 

Chris Moose

Okay so it isn't a lavish celebration, but from what I hear from other people, it's also not filled with the bickering and pettiness that families with larger families experience. Our Holidays are simple and they're ours. I'm savoring this time with the children, knowing that they won't be home with us forever. 

I guess cherishing time with the family you have and not bemoaning what you don't have, is really what the Holidays are all about.

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I found two fantastic articles on celebrating holidays when you don't have a large family. Since they resonated with me, let me share them with you:

Tara-Michelle Ziniuk wrote this lovely article in which she tells about celebrating Hanukkah with her family of two.

Dresden Shumaker explains how she envies those with big families in this wonderful piece.

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Thank you for reading! Please come back again, won't you?

Helping Kids Cope With Death Around The Holidays

My wonderful, great Aunt Winnie passed away just before Thanksgiving. Now, death itself is hard enough for anyone to deal with, but add in the upcoming holidays and it can be even more difficult for children. While Winnie was 93 and we expected the call sometime, the experience has been surreal since I don't think we're ever ready for the grieving process to begin. In the midst of it, I've been watching my children (9 and 14) deal with this in their own ways. 

My Aunt Winnie - I miss her so much!

 

Here's what I've been observing and what's been helping us all through these rough weeks:

1. Our faith: Here's where I think religion really is incredibly useful! We are an interfaith family, with my husband Jewish and me a former Catholic. Our children are being raised Unitarian Universalist; they're being taught about all faith traditions and learning to develop their own belief systems.  To some degree, they already have.  My daughter is a firm believer in reincarnation and the afterlife. The Teen believes in some semblance of the hereafter. Both kids feel the spirit lives on and this is helping them understand that in some way, our dear Aunt is still with us in Spirit.  On Christmas Eve, we'll be saying a special prayer in her honor.  

2. Talking: They're seeing me grieve and although they weren't as close to Winnie as I was, they understand the sadness inherent in death. The kids have been cutting me some slack on not being myself lately. We've talked about how much we'll miss her and have been sharing stories about what a kind, generous person she was and how much she loved us all.  My children know that it's okay to be a little sad this holiday season; healing takes time.

3. Asking questions: My daughter has been asking about the rituals associated with death more than anything else. Before the memorial service and burial yesterday, she and I were able to go into the funeral parlor early. She asked questions about the casket, the body, Mass cards, etc. I described the body much like the shells of the cicadas we saw over the summer. Because I wasn't rushed and there was no one else there, we were able to have a nice, long discussion about what she was seeing and what to expect. After the service, the nun invited us to bless the body with Holy Water and the woman was kind enough to explain to Lily why we were doing it.  Because I answered her questions honestly and in a matter-of-fact manner, there was nothing scarey about yesterday's rituals. 

Grieving is a process, not an event

4. Honoring the memory of the deceased: We've always had a memory tree (really just a corn plant) which hang with homemade ornaments containing the names of loved ones who have passed. We'll be adding an ornament in Winnie's name. Similarly, when she first died, I lit a Yahrzeit candle for her and let it burn in the fireplace. I love this Jewish tradition of burning a candle to symbolically represent the human soul (for more on this, click here). Watching the flame flicker made me feel closer to Winnie and was a loving reminder of her warm spirit. During the wake yesterday, Lily and I brought flowers to the casket because we always brought flowers to my aunt when she was alive. I plan to continue to have fresh flowers in my house so that the kids and I will be reminded of Winnie's beauty and kindness.  Our Christmas tree contains ornaments she sent us over the years.  If we cherished them before, they're even more special now.  

Grieving is a process and I fully expect more questions to pop up, especially since the kids' grandmothers (one of whom is 90) will be coming over for Christmas. I'm anticipating the need for more cuddles on both their parts, possible regressive behavior and nightmares, and the need for them to feel more secure in the upcoming weeks. If need be, I'm ready to ask our minister to intercede and help us all cope with what's happened.

Death is an inevitable event that no one likes to think about. By keeping the memories of our deceased love ones alive and letting my children constantly know that I love them, I'm hoping to help them grieve just as I am. Aunt Winnie may be gone, but she lives in our memories and her death is an opportunity for us all to grow. She gave us love and that love continues. 

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Resources that have been helpful to me have included:

KidsHealth (https://secure02.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html) and

http://nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf; and the National Association Of School Psychologist (http://nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf). 

Thank you for reading!

Yom Kippur Resources For Kids

Yom Kippur has values we can teach ALL children!

I remember the first, and ONLY, Yom Kippur service I ever attended. I had just begun dating my future husband and was still posturing for his mother, so I sat on one side of the temple with her while he sat with the other men. I remember the rabbi, in all of his vestments, repeatedly bowing (is that called berakhot?), literally reciting the phrase “we are nothing, we are guilty, we are bad” over and over. Now, I don't mind self-reflection and repentance (I'm Catholic, after all, and that's no walk in the park, either) but I felt somewhat suicidal after that service and vowed NEVER to go back again.

Now I'm 20+ years into marriage, we're raising our children Unitarian, and acknowledge their father's Jewish traditions. So how does one explain the concept of Yom Kippur to kids? Here are some resources for kids that won't scare or make them feel as awful as I did after that fateful service:

• If your kids need a quickie explanation of the holiday, click here. I love the fact that this page states that the Yom Kippur is “all about each individual Jewish person’s behavior” and our choices in taking a “good” or “bad” path.
  
  
• I actually learned something from this) site which lists a few prayers and, again, explains what Yom Kippur is about. Did you know that “on Yom Kippur we do not wear leather shoes, so put on your canvas or plastic sneakers or sandals.” I didn't! There's also a cool link which shows how a shofar is made. 
  
  
• Parents can visit this site for guidance on how to explain the holidays to their children. One phrase that caught my eye: “everybody makes mistakes, from the very young to the very old.” Yes! 

  

  Rosh Hashanah & Yom Kippur can have meaning for us all.

  
  

And you'll find some wonderful Yom Kippur crafts and more on these sites:

• How-To's for funky paper slippers and more are what you'll find here. I may have my husband make those with Lily tomorrow.
  
  
• Videos, crafts, coloring pages galore are one click away at this site.  It's supposed to rain tomorrow, so I have a hunch that Lily will be watching some of these videos.
  
  
• You want fun? Here it is!  Online games, crafts, greeting cards guarantee learning and enjoyment.

Yom Kippur seems to be about self-reflection and doing better next year, positive things that we can all benefit from. Teaching children to think about their actions and the repercussions is something that we, as parents, need to do to help our children become considerate and responsible adults. Even though my experience at my first Yom Kippur service was horrible, Jewish or not, I think Yom Kippur has meaning for us all.                                                                           

And if you celebrate Yom Kippur, I wish you an easy fast! 

Thank you for reading! 

Featured Photo credit: http://photopin.com/search/yom-kippur

Embracing Easter & Passover – How Interfaith Geeks Do It

22 years ago I, a Catholic, married a man who is Jewish in an interfaith ceremony. Officiating was a cantor (Jewish) and a Unitarian minister. I nixed the idea of a priest and honestly, at the time, I doubted that any would have performed the ceremony. We were not the norm back then, as most people and family failed to understand how two such divergent traditions could meld. Nevertheless, combine we did as we raise our children Unitarian, the perfect mix of both traditions where participants are encouraged to find their own truths while being exposed to mainstream doctrines. Still, some people still wonder how, during this week in which Passover and Easter overlap, interfaith families celebrate these traditions, if at all.


In our home, it is important that our kids understand the various traditions and concepts of both holidays. Both know the meaning of the Seder and our Seder plate has had some rather interesting incarnations. While the traditional plate consists of the haroset (a mixture of apples, nuts, etc.), shankbone, egg, horseradish, parsley, and another bitter herb, the kids and I have gotten creative, substituting McDonald's apple slices for the haroset, a chicken bone for the shankbone, relish for the horseradish, and even an Easter egg as the egg. Does it matter that the platter is incorrect? No. It's our way of celebrating the tradition and to my husband, the important part is that his religion is carried on with his kids, at least in some form. Similarly, we've served matzoh and macaroons during Easter dinner.


Last night, at our Seder, my son said the traditional prayers and we left an empty chair, as Jewish tradition dictates, to symbolize those people who live in lands where they cannot celebrate Passover as a free people. On Easter, in addition to the egg hunt and dyed eggs, we'll read the Easter story about an amazing man who gave up his life and defied the grave. We'll point out the fact that Jesus' last supper was, indeed, a Passover Seder which drew people who loved each other together.

Families of different traditions know we have to compromise, picking and choosing carefully which traditions we embrace. InterfaithFamily, an group that promotes Jewish choices for interfaith couples, found in a survey of 327 respondents that while 58% say they will participate in Easter celebrations, only 5% will choose to tell the Easter story. And while 96% say they'll participate in Passover celebrations, only 66% expect to tell the Passover story. Interfaith families, as really all families do, adapt and change the people within them grow and develop.

How will your interfaith family celebrate Easter and Passover? For suggestions and perspectives, visit these links:

• http://content.usatoday.com/communities/Religion/post/2010/03/passover-seder-jewish-holiday-easter-/1 – USA Today ran an interesting article entitled "One God, two holidays: Passover and Easter At Jewish-Christian Tables" that is certainly worth a look.

• http://www.livestrong.com/article/1000663-bringing-up-children-jewish-catholic-faiths/ - This article from Livestrong.com points out that "Interfaith couples who actively participate in the other's places of worship and celebrations give their children permission to explore the teachings of Catholicism and Judaism and make their own decisions.”

• http://betterafter50.com/2012/04/interfaith-passover-no-problem-interfaith-easter-oy/ - Whereas most websites I've found have a slant toward one religious tradition over another (usually Jewish over Christian because more Jewish sects reach out towards interfaith families than the various Christian groups), this article provides a fairly balanced viewpoint with some delightful melding of traditions, for example, serving matzoh brie at Easter breakfast.
  
  
• www.uua.org – The website of the Unitarian Universalist Association explains how this religious organization embraces and welcomes the beliefs of all.
  

No matter how you celebrate this wonderful season, what's important is that as parents, we cultivate a sense of who we are and what our families believe going forward. Those beliefs provide a safety net for our children as they grow into adults.

Notes:  1.One source used for this article is www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/03/23/christian-jewish-passover-easter-rob-bell/2011307/. 

            2.  This article first appeared on the website The Geek Parent (www.thegeekparent.com)