What You MUST Know About Your Children's Friends And Why

Tis the season when children are finishing the school year and getting ready to embark on a summer full of activities and new friends. Of course, friendships are important and rewarding, but think about the powerful influence friends have over children. Undesirable behaviors and language are contagious as are concerns about body image and eating. Bullying can also rear its ugly head, even amongst “friends.” 

So here's what you need to know about your kid's peers and why:

1. How they behave when they're with your child.  
   Observe the interaction between the kids, especially when they think you're not watching or listening. One of my daughter's friends threatened to “tell your mom on you” when the child was at my house. This later turned into a bullying issue that manifested itself at school. Listen for inappropriate language and whether they try to get around your House Rules. (Note: You can also learn a lot about YOUR child when you listen to them play with their friends.)
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Who their parents are. What are their parenting styles and values? Do they smoke or let their
   kids do things you wouldn't let your kid do (run wild in the neighborhood, watch/listen to inappropriate media, etc.)?
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. How they interact with you. Is the child polite and respectful of adults? Does the child have manners? I've had kids go into my refrigerator and start rummaging through, looking for a snack. Others have demanded food instead of asking. And one kid decided to swing off a curtain rod (she didn't come back here again). Remember that behaviors spread and, honestly, I have NO problem reprimanding a guest.
   
   
   
   
4. Who your child's friends' other friends are. You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. Do they hang out with snobby kids or an older, faster crowd?
   
   
   
   
5. What kind of student your child's friend is. If the friend is one who believes in working hard and getting their homework done, it can inspire your child to do their best, too. But, if the friend hates school and slacks off, that will also influence your kid. 
   
   
   
   
   
6. Whether there are other family members or visitors in the child's household that you need to be aware of. This is especially true if your kid is having a playdate or going over the other person's house. Are there older siblings who might exhibit inappropriate behavior? Is there a nanny who will be taking care of the kids? One mother didn't tell me that she wouldn't be home for a playdate and that the nanny would be taking care of the kids. Since I didn't know the nanny, I was not okay with that!
   
   

When in doubt about the friend's family, try to get to know them by staying for a playdate or asking about them. I invite parents to come and stay! I get to know them and they see that we don't have any drugs, firearms, etc. around the house. One woman told me she'd asked around before letting her son come to play. I thought that was BRILLIANT and praised her for it. 

Friends have a powerful influence over our kids. 

Children are exposed to new ideas, values, and behaviors as a result of those relationships. By knowing as much as possible about who our children are hanging with, we can protect and teach our children what WE value and what needs to be left behind.

My Favorite Baby Music

There is NO finer album of baby music! 

As any parent of a baby knows, music is magic. Not magical. It does not have the quality of magic, rather it IS a miraculous, powerful force that exerts positive control over infants. It has been for both my kids. When my daughter was still in China with her new daddy since it was he who brought her home to the U.S., before she was even used to English, he called me and said, “Get her in a Music Together or another baby music class ASAP! This kid NEEDS music!” Indeed, in those first days with her new dad, the radio was the only thing that calmed this poor, traumatized baby, relaxing her and making her feel at peace. Daddy's humming along to whatever tunes were coming across the airwaves helped her get used to his alien voice, soothing her and helping the baby understand that the person who was now caring for her was a friend, not foe. Similarly, I nursed my son for hours on end while we listened to Mozart, which was supposedly, "good” for his brain.

Indeed, when Junior was born, I remember panicking because I didn't know any lullabies! So I looked for CDs containing them, and programs that would help. As a result, both kids took YEARS of Music Together, that mommy-and-baby program which not only helped us bond, but gave me plenty of musical material to not only sooth each baby, but amuse them as well. For the longest time, we wouldn't even THINK of traveling without several Music Together CDs in the car. 

So why, with Junior turning 14 tomorrow is baby music on my mind? Because as I synced my Ipod Shuffle with my computer today, I noticed several tunes that I must have placed on the device months ago. They are, indeed, baby tunes that I simply CANNOT part with. Among them:

• The entire Return To Pooh Corner by Kenny Loggins – There is NO finer collection of tunes for small children! I still remember all of the words to “Rainbow Connection,” inserting my son's name wherever I could so that Junior would learn his name. It is one of my sweetest memories of being a new mother. Loggins gave me time-tested material that I still sing to my 5'4” child when I go into his room and watch him sleep. I suspect I'll be humming some of those songs in the future, when he calls me from college to tell me he has a cold. I hope he sings them to his children, my grandchildren.
  
  
• Baby Einstein's Lullaby Classics – The Baby Einstein videos were amazing (I still have the Van Gogh VHS tape – I will not give it away). This instrumental album contains classical music that is simple, elegant, charming. It's great for listening in traffic, when you want to run people over. VERY calming!
  
  
• “Move Your Body,” “Five Senses,” and “Three Wishes” from Jump & Jive With Hi-5 – Hi-5 was a kids' television show when Junior was little. I'm talking the original cast with Kimee, Karla, Curtis, Shaun, and Jenn – not the latter people. Their hummable, bouncy tunes made for a lot of mother/son dancing when my son was a toddler. The songs are still fun to listen to. 
  
  
• “Hot Potato” by the Wiggles. I was never a Wiggles fan until we saw them in concert when Diva was 3.  Someone had given us tickets and the show was pretty ho-hum for me, as a parent, until Murray Cook (God bless him!) played a few licks of “Stairway To Heaven.” EVERY adult in Madison Square Garden came alive and, if they were like me, were grateful to the man for breaking us out of our juice box-induced comas and reminding us that an adult world still existed. 
  
  
  

Music is powerful. It effects us physically as well as mentally. As I journey through motherhood, as I face forward to the challenging teen years ahead, the baby music reminds me of a simpler time when I nursed my baby and held my new daughter, whispering, “Mommy's here. You are mine. I love you.” There's no law that says that now, just because the kids are older, I have to give up those baby tunes.

Oh, and Holly Denton, should you ever read this, you were THE BEST MUSIC TOGETHER TEACHER EVER!

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How To Make A Voodoo Doll And Why I Let My 8-Year Old Make One

If you follow me on Twitter (and please do: https://twitter.com/IsItHotInHereMM), you know that recently, my 8-year old said she wanted to make a voodoo doll. She got the idea from some dumb ass Disney show. At first, I was a little concerned that she wanted to make one of ME (aka "She Who Yells A Lot"), but as it turned out, the victim is her brother. Whew! So why him? “Payback, Mom, payback,” she said. Among the list of his transgressions: 1) He tackled her the other day when they were wrestling 2) Last YEAR, he tackled her on the beach. She had her mouth open and wound up eating sand (Lesson: Always close your mouth when wrestling with your brother.). She's PISSED at him, big time. So I let her make the voodoo doll. Was I in my right mind? Yes, and here's why:

While voodoo dolls are associated with evil, they're actually meant to gain influence over whomever you're making the doll about. Diva is 8; her brother is almost 14. She weighs maybe 45 pounds; he's heavier and taller. She is jealous of him and the privileges he gets because of his age. If making a voodoo doll makes her feel better, I'm all for it. 

Here's how we made it:

1. We took an old shirt the Teen had outgrown. The doll is more “powerful” if you use a personal item from the victim.
2. I drew and made a template out of cardboard. I did it freehand, but free templates can be found here: http://www.allcrafts.net/dolls.htm.
3. She cut the material out using the template.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. Since Diva did not want to sew, we used a glue gun to glue the two pieces together, leaving a hole for stuffing.
5. This particular doll will not be washed, so I used part of a plastic grocery bag to stuff it; then she glued the hole shut.
   
   
   
   
   
6. She then used markers to color the doll so that it looks like her brother. Note the red sweatshirt that the kid wears, no matter what the weather. On 100 degree days, he STILL wears the shirt outside.
   
   
   
   
   

Diva was giddy at the prospect of having influence over her brother while he had decided, quite kindly, to play along with the premise of the doll. He was at a friend's house while the doll was being created, but my daughter still took great pleasure at making the doll do a split, stand on it's head, etc. When we went to pick Junior up, she asked if he'd done the split or felt anything weird. He answered that yes, he inexplicably HAD done a split and had had a headache just at the precise moment when she was playing with the doll. “MOMMY, IT WORKS,” she yelled.

Because I helped her make the doll, I explained that it won't work all the time, which gives us some wiggle room when she wants her brother to do things he just can't be bothered to do. When she finds out the truth, my explanation will be that I wanted to see her to see what a wonderful creation she was capable of making and that I just wanted her to have fun. My sense is that she's going to become bored with the doll pretty quickly. In fact, as I write this, neither she nor I know where the dang thing is.

It's hard enough being a little sister. If making a voodoo doll empowers her, makes her feel better, then I'm happy for my daughter. More power to her! 

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