Monday, December 30, 2013

My 8 Favorite New Year's Eve Jokes (Because Laughter Is The Best Sound At Midnight!)

There's nothing healthier than laughing, especially at the year we're putting behind. Thus, as my last post for 2013, I give you my 8 favorite New Year's jokes:

On New Year's Eve, Agnes stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Unfortunately, as the clock struck midnight - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. One's dignity is not one of them.

Your Dog's New Year's Resolutions

  1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
  3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
  5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
  6. I will not eat the cats' food... before OR after they eat it.
  7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet
    in the house when I am about to throw up.
  8. I will not throw up in the car.
  9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
  10. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
  11. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
  12. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
  13. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
  14. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
  15. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
  16. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
  17. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
  18. We do not have a doorbell.
  19. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  20. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
  21. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
  22. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  23. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

On New Year's Eve, Dave was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car in the bar's parking lot and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  “What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning,” asked the police officer.
“I'm on my way to a lecture,” answered Dave.
“And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' asked the officer sarcastically.
“My wife,”slurred Dave.

10 Signs That You Have A New Year's Eve Hangover
  • You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
  • Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
  • Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
  • The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
  • You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
  • You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
  • You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
  • Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
  • You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
  • Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain

A man is sitting in a bar on New Year's Eve. He's just sitting there, looking into his drink for about half an hour. Soon, a big bully comes in, walks up to the man, takes his drink, and guzzles it down.

The poor man starts crying. “Come on, man! I was just joking,” says the bully. “Here, let me buy you another. Just stop crying!”

The man says, “No, it's not that. Today has bee the worst day of my life! First, I didn't wake up on time and was late to the office, so my boss fired me. Then, went I went to my car, it had been stolen and the police say they can't do anything about it. So I got a cab and when I left it, forgot my wallet and credit cards in the taxi. When I finally made it home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
Finally, I came to this bar for a drink, and while I was thinking about ending my life, you show up and drink my poison!”

Thank you for your support in 2013. May 2014 be the year of your dreams! And check back in with me in a day or so, won't you?

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for commenting! Feel free to email me at