Laugh (After Your Latkes) With These Kid-Friendly Hanukkah Jokes

What's better during this Festival Of Lights than sitting around the beautiful menorah, post-latkes? Sitting around and laughing!

So please,  enjoy these Hanukkah Jokes:

 

One Hanukkah night, the residents of a tiny village outside Budapest were scared that they wouldn't have enough latkes for everyone because they had run out of flour.

Rudi, the wise Rabbi, was asked to help solve the problem. He thought for a moment, then said, "Don't worry!  You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as good!"

Miriam looked to her husband and said, "Irving, you think it'll work?"
Irving replied, "Of course! Everybody knows Rudolph the Rab knows grain, dear."







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Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, Samuel asked his father, "Papa, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?"
"No, of course not," says his father.
"How come?"asks Samuel.
Bewildered, his father replies, "Well, my son, because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."





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Ethel went to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards.  She said to the cashier, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"
The cashier asks, "What denomination?"
Ethel sighs and says, "Oy vey!  Has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

Happy Hanukkah! 

5 Jokes About Teens: Because If We Didn't Laugh At Them, We'd Implode

I love my teenager. He's still my sweet, little baby, except that he's now two inches taller than me, smells like a landfill, sounds like James Earl Jones, and argues better than any lawyer. Living with him is like being in the midst of a tornado. In honor of my son and all of us who live with those like him, I've compiled a list of my 5 favorite jokes about these mysterious, mutating forces of nature: teenagers:

A Teenager is... *

A person who can't remember to feed the cat, but never forgets to check his phone.

Someone who can hear a song playing miles away, but not his mother calling from the next room.

A geek who can operate the latest computer without a lesson, but can't make a bed.

An fitness freak who has the energy to walk two miles to Dunkin' Donuts with his friends, but is too tired to empty the dishwasher.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and barely tolerates her brother.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

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My mother had been sick, so I called home to see how she was doing. My 14-year old sister answered the phone.

“Hi,” she whispered.

“Hi, Amanda. How's Mom?” I asked.

“She's sleeping,” she whispered.

“Did she go to the doctor?” I asked.

“Yep. She just took the medicine she gave her and she's sleeping,” my sister replied.

“Ok. Just tell her I called. By the way, what are you doing?” I asked.

My sister whispered, “Practicing my trumpet.”

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One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They were shocked by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, multiple tattoos and a pierced nose. The boy reeked of smoke.  Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and expressed their concern. “Oh please,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of Community Service?”

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Teenagers are just like cats: neither turns their head when you call them by name and both assume that you exist for the sole pleasure of serving them.

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10 Signs That Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble **

10. She sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. He shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize her, she yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. He defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap music!"

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. He uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. She was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

*Adapted from a piece found on Ahajokes.com

**Source: http://jokes.cc.com

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Quotes About Those Tornadoes Of Nature Known As Teens

Attribution: Justin 1569 at en.wikipedia

My family was wandering through a few shops this weekend, when I spotted the following sign: Warning For Those With Heart Conditions: Teenager On The Premises. My son saw me giggling at it and said, “Thanks, Mom.” I thought it was a fantastic warning, since having a teenager in the house is kind of like having a smoldering fire around at all times; you never know when or where his temper or emotions will flare up.

So I decided to scour the web for other quotes which might amuse me and those of you who know, all-too-well, the dangers of living with a teen. Here are some of my favorites with attributions where I could find them:

• “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.” (Mark Twain)
• “Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest.” (Karen Savage and Patricia Adams, The Good Stepmother)
• “A teen brain is 80% song lyrics.”
• “Why do they rate a movie 'R” for adult language? The only people I hear using that language are teenagers. (Which brings up an amusing conversation I had with my son. He recently told me, laughing, that the 7^th graders in his school curse so much. “Mom,” he said, “they're so immature!”
• “Someone told me I was immature. Guess who's not allowed in my tree-house now?”
• “Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.”
• “A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.”
• “It's difficult to decide whether growing pains are something teenagers have — or are.”
• “At sixteen, the adolescent knows about suffering because he himself has suffered, but he barely knows that other beings also suffer.” (Jean-Jacques Rousseau)
• “A teenager is someone who is well-prepared for a zombie attack, but not ready for tomorrow's math quiz.”
• “Teenagers who are never required to vacuum are living in one.” (Fred G. Gosman)
• “You can tell a child is growing up when he stops asking where he came from and starts refusing to tell where he is going.”

And let's not forget this memorable quote from my son who said to his menopausal mom, “It feels like we're both going through adolescence.” He hit the nail right on the head.  Love that kid!

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