Thursday, July 10, 2014

5 Jokes About Teens: Because If We Didn't Laugh At Them, We'd Implode

I love my teenager. He's still my sweet, little baby, except that he's now two inches taller than me, smells like a landfill, sounds like James Earl Jones, and argues better than any lawyer. Living with him is like being in the midst of a tornado. In honor of my son and all of us who live with those like him, I've compiled a list of my 5 favorite jokes about these mysterious, mutating forces of nature: teenagers:

A Teenager is... *

A person who can't remember to feed the cat, but never forgets to check his phone.

Someone who can hear a song playing miles away, but not his mother calling from the next room.

A geek who can operate the latest computer without a lesson, but can't make a bed.

An fitness freak who has the energy to walk two miles to Dunkin' Donuts with his friends, but is too tired to empty the dishwasher.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and barely tolerates her brother.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.


My mother had been sick, so I called home to see how she was doing. My 14-year old sister answered the phone.

“Hi,” she whispered.
“Hi, Amanda. How's Mom?” I asked.
“She's sleeping,” she whispered.
“Did she go to the doctor?” I asked.
“Yep. She just took the medicine she gave her and she's sleeping,” my sister replied.
“Ok. Just tell her I called. By the way, what are you doing?” I asked.
My sister whispered, “Practicing my trumpet.”


One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They were shocked by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, multiple tattoos and a pierced nose. The boy reeked of smoke.  Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and expressed their concern. “Oh please,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of Community Service?”


Teenagers are just like cats: neither turns their head when you call them by name and both assume that you exist for the sole pleasure of serving them.


10 Signs That Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble **

10. She sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. He shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize her, she yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. He defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap music!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. He uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. She was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

*Adapted from a piece found on


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