Sunday, September 22, 2013

How NOT To Kill A Bee

Bugs are a pain in the ass.  Yeah, I know they're necessary for the Tree of Life, ecological balance, Food Chain, yada, yada, yada.  I just wish they'd stay the F#@! away from my house.

I'm obsessive about getting rid of them.  No, that's an understatement.  The mere sight of a bug in my house activates the Crazy Button in my head.  Just as I am the one who Brings Life Into The World and Initiates The Expansion Of Our Family, I am also the One Who Takes Life Out.  I am Bug Killer Mom.  

Years ago, we had carpenter ants - big, dark, house-eating invaders that moved across my nice white floor.  They startled me when I moved a chair and crawled up the walls into my line of sight causing me STRESS. My exterminator, who I'm sure wanted to slap me silly over the phone, said I should watch them to determine where they were coming from.  Once you knew where they were getting in, then could you rectify the situation.  Made sense.  So I surveyed the ants with military precision.  I looked for them in the morning before work (yuck, yuck).  I snuck up on them at night (yuck, yuck).  I followed them when they weren't looking (like I said - I get obsessive).  After I figured out they were coming in hrough some hole in the basement, I plugged the hole and got rid of them with simple Ant Killer Bait Traps. 

Unfortunately, bugs are a fact of life.  Here's a gross fact:  there are more than10 quintillion bugs in the world according to The Smithsonian Institute (  May I echo the aforementioned yuck, yuck?

We periodically get spiders in the basement which I slaughter with nary a thought.  One year, however, I found a dead one so big, I was certain it was fake.  It looked like one of those plastic toys the kids bring home in their Trick-Or-Treat bags.  I mean, we NEVER get spiders like that in this part of the country - in the African rainforest maybe - but not in the civilized burbs.  Anyway, convinced it was fake, I decided to touch it.  I gently put my finger on the end of one of it's legs before screaming because, duh, it was REAL!  After I'd scooped it up and taken it out to the trash, I felt the finger that had touched it tingling a little.  I learned my lesson:  NEVER TOUCH A FRIGGIN' SPIDER UNLESS YOU'RE CERTAIN IT WAS MADE IN CHINA!

Anyway, what brings the topic of bugs up is that last week there was live yellow jacket in my house.  I'd noticed it because the cat had nonchalantly been looking at it.  Now, you may remember that back in January of this year, the media picked up on a New York Times article entitled "That Cuddly Kitty Is Deadlier Than You Think "( explaining that sweet little kitty cats are really killing machines.  It mentioned the amazing number of critters killed by our feline friends.  Apparently mine never got the memo, because she couldn't care less that there was a bee in the house. 

Killer Mom went into full attack, in an exceptional frenzy since bees can potentially hurt my kids.  Now because I try to avoid using insecticides, my first weapon of choice with flying insects is hair spray.  Hubby thinks this is funny and weird, but spray it at a flying bug and it weighs down their wings, making it difficult for them to fly.  It usually works but BEEatrice (yes, I named the bee - I am the purest form of Wackadoodle) was immune to the hair spray.  Or it's possible that my aim was completely off.  So I waited for her to land. Then I grabbed the first solid object available - my son's baseball cleats - and I pounded the crackers out of that insect!  Bambambam! The bee emerged, unscathed and with an attitude.  So I waited and attacked again.  Thwackthwackthwack!  This time the bee walked, nay strolled away. WTF?!

See, I had forgotten that cleats are uneven on the bottom, unlike a shoe which has a steady surface.  Somehow Beeatrice had managed, both times to get between the teeth of the shoe.  Damn insect.  So I grabbed the next shoe available, a delicate sequined flat belonging to my genteel, sparkling daughter, and POUNDED THE LIFE FORCE OUT that goddam yellow jacket.  Never has a kill been more satisfying.  

The Tree Of Life took a hit that day.  Our planet was down one pesky yellow jacket which was killed at the hands of moi.  And in my brain was implanted the lesson of How Not To Kill A Bee.


Here are some Tips on How To Kill/Repel/Piss Off Insects That Get Into Your House Or Garage:

- To kill and find out what wild things are coming into your garage, use glue traps.  Put them on the side of the garage near the door.  Whatever crawls in will get caught in the traps.  I love this tip because,  being insane, when my exterminator comes for our yearly termite exam, I show him exactly what has been coming into our garage.  One year we caught a snake.  I didn't show the exterminator, but my kids got a kick it.

- Eucalyptus oil - Use this essential oil to kill cockroaches, spiders, and other small insects. It is non-toxic, eaves a pleasant smell, and clears your sinuses.  Mix the oil with water and store in a spray bottle (which you LABEL, especially if you've got kids).  When you see the bug, spray it with the mixture. The insect will die almost immediately...and your sinuses will be clean.

- Vinegar - Mist vinegar in the kitchen to kill and repel small insects. Vinegar is totally safe to use around food, but is strong enough to put a speedy end to an indoor bug problem.  It also deodorizes countertops.  I love this stuff!


And here's a Product Review:

The Game Of Sorry

This staple of family life when I was growing up is great game for 2 to 4 plays ages 6 and up.  My daughter is completely into it and, despite the name of the game,  shows NO remorse when she lands on my space and sends me back to Start..

In the name of no-BS, however, I should say that this Product Review is just a cheap way to show you how cute my non-hunting cat, who cannot resist sitting in a box, is.


Again, thank you for reading and please come back in another day or two for more fun!

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