My 8 Favorite New Year's Eve Jokes (Because Laughter Is The Best Sound At Midnight!)

 
There's nothing healthier than laughing, especially at the year we're putting behind. Thus, as my last post for 2013, I give you my 8 favorite New Year's jokes:



On New Year's Eve, Agnes stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Unfortunately, as the clock struck midnight - the bartender was almost crushed to death.
~~

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. One's dignity is not one of them.
~~

Your Dog's New Year's Resolutions

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
   
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
   
3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
   
4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
   
5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
   
6. I will not eat the cats' food... before OR after they eat it.
   
7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet
   in the house when I am about to throw up.
   
8. I will not throw up in the car.
   
9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
   
10. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
    
11. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
    
12. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
    
13. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
    
14. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
    
15. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
    
16. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
    
17. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
    
18. We do not have a doorbell.
    
19. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
    
20. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
    
21. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
    
22. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
    
23. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
    

Source: http://holidaymetro.com
~~


On New Year's Eve, Dave was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car in the bar's parking lot and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  “What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning,” asked the police officer.
“I'm on my way to a lecture,” answered Dave.
“And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' asked the officer sarcastically.
“My wife,”slurred Dave.
~~

10 Signs That You Have A New Year's Eve Hangover

• You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
  

• Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
  

• Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
  

• The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
  

• You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
  

• You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
  

• You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
  

• Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
  

• You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
  

• Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"
  

Source: http://www.guy-sports.com
~~

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.
~~


Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain
~~


A man is sitting in a bar on New Year's Eve. He's just sitting there, looking into his drink for about half an hour. Soon, a big bully comes in, walks up to the man, takes his drink, and guzzles it down.


The poor man starts crying. “Come on, man! I was just joking,” says the bully. “Here, let me buy you another. Just stop crying!”


The man says, “No, it's not that. Today has bee the worst day of my life! First, I didn't wake up on time and was late to the office, so my boss fired me. Then, went I went to my car, it had been stolen and the police say they can't do anything about it. So I got a cab and when I left it, forgot my wallet and credit cards in the taxi. When I finally made it home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
Finally, I came to this bar for a drink, and while I was thinking about ending my life, you show up and drink my poison!”
~~


Thank you for your support in 2013. May 2014 be the year of your dreams! And check back in with me in a day or so, won't you?

The Teen's New Year's Eve Sleepover – Party Prep 101

A few weeks ago, Junior asked us for permission to have a New Year's Eve Sleepover. My first reaction was, “Good!” because I am quite aware that I'll only have a few more New Year's Eves with him before he prefers to go out with his friends. His dad and I also agreed because the boys been hanging with this year are a nice group of kids who tolerate assaults from Diva with kindness and patience. Plus, if it's within our power to make our son happy, we do it.


The norm for Junior's sleepovers is that the kids bring their laptops and spend most of their time playing on their computers. They do this every night anyway via Skype, so it's nice to see them having face-time whenever they can outside of school. “What can I do,” I asked, “to make this party extra-special since it is New Year's Eve?” My son thought about it for a second, which made me a little nervous because I thought he was going to ask that we take the entire party out for dinner (NOT!). “Mom, I'd like a Taco Bar,” he said. Interesting concept. We volleyed some ideas and here's what I'm picturing:


We'll do it, obviously, buffet-style. We'll start out with a basket containing hard taco shells and soft tortillas; the soft tortillas might be easier for our guests who have braces to eat. Then there will be individual dishes containing tomatoes, cheese, lettuce, sour cream, and black beans. Next in line will be two dishes containing seasoned ground beef and turkey, respectively. Lastly, I foresee a container of taco sauce and a large salad bowl on the side in case any kid actually wants to add some to his plate.


The bar will consist of Sprite (which is apparently the choice drink for this group), seltzer, and sparkling cider served in plastic champagne glasses (fancy!).


For dessert, we'll offer a Make-Your-Own-Sundae Bar which is easy thanks to those single-serve cups of half-chocolate, half-vanilla. The kids can spoon on, from little serving bowls, toppings such as nuts, M&Ms, smashed Butterfingers, and add whipped cream before pouring on chocolate syrup, if they want. The final bowls will consist of sprinkles and Maraschino cherries.

I thought about buying party hats and noisemakers, but then realized that these kids are too cool for hats and are noisy enough without the noisemakers. I'm thinking that penny whistles might allow them to make some noise at midnight without my ears ringing for days afterward.


The next day, the waffle maker will come in handy for obvious reasons, especially since the catch phrase for this group seems to be “I like waffles.” With any luck, our guests will be picked up by 11:30am on New Year's Day.


I know that future parties will get bigger and more expensive, so I'm cherishing the simplicity of this one and knowing that my son will be in the house having fun the last night of 2013. Junior will get very little sleep (the last time some of these kids slept over, they didn't go to bed until 4am) and start out the New Year happy, if tired. Yes, my son, you can have a sleepover. Let's make it the best one yet!


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Please check back in with me for my favorite New Year's Jokes. Why shouldn't 2013 go out with a laugh?!